Bill Gates has admitted to having two affairs while he was married. It goes to show you, even a nerd with a bad haircut can get laid.

investing in a wet vac (throwing my dyson into the pool)

Forgot my heating pad on the wild side.

I only get sick at the prospect of having to be around other people.

Bill Gates has admitted to having two affairs while he was married. He really threw the sanctity of his marriage right out the windows.

The biggest thing keeping me from being a pilot is my irrational fear of flying.

Please share vids and pics of your doggies in the snow ⬇️

hey guys, what’s up. live streaming the state of the union so you don’t have to OH MY GOSH HE DID A FLIP

I eat noodle. I breathe noodle. I read noodle. I sleep noodle. I? I am noodle.

Whenever I go to the dentist, I always remind him that I didn’t consent to a cavity search. Never gets a laugh.

And I thought Fred Durst ruined red hats.

I did not realize until age thirty that your face can’t actually get stuck like that

Discovering an awesome new band actually makes me angry now. Like bro I do NOT have time for this, but fine

Just destroyed my therapy cat on Yelp

Knowing what you know now would you ever get on a see-saw with another human being

Once you’ve seen a clown do karate, you’ll be a little more careful about who you laugh at.

My hunchback will someday be a burial mound.

[octopus mom when octopus child is misbehaving] i am going to count to EIGHT

If anyone saw how I load a dishwasher I'm sure I would be arrested

‪My favorite thing to do at the aquarium is standing in front of the blowfish tank and asking everyone who passes by where Hootie is. ‬

The most important part of assembling any type of furniture is to install at least one part the wrong way so that you have to take everything apart and redo it

Sorry if I'm messing things up this is my first time living through a dystopia

It is important for me to live close to public transit because I communicate telepathically with the city buses while I sleep.

Dr. Seuss struggling not to rhyme as he delivers his dad’s eulogy

Just like the Indian in the Cupboard, only it's my toothbrush that's come to life, and all it does is bitch about me not flossing enough.

can’t believe i evolved from primordial ooze for this *gestures to everything*

Running around, smacking strangers upside the head, screaming the mortally wounded screams of the perpetually "not it."

what if, for daylight saving time, we spring forward one hour and three years, what then?

the radical left cashier at the checkout is trying to make me pay for my groceries

Our salon does not do weird things with your hair trimmings after you leave. They just do the normal things with it.

I wonder what they do with the sleeves when they make a vest.

just felt an emotion that i can only describe as “phone is bad”

I don't understand your haircut but it continues to speak to me in its incomprehensible tongue.

Being done with school, it makes me sad to know I might never dissect something again.

If my grandmother taught me anything, it's that once you take your shirt off in public to fight someone, you HAVE to fight someone.

I already have a full time job, it’s called anxiety

I can’t watch any more Olympics because I keep swatting at those little drones and these TVs aren’t cheap

"free gift"? what other kind of gift is there?

my favorite thing about the olympics are the medicine ads explaining to me how they’re going to kill me

They just started the pregame show for next year’s superbowl.

Trumpers are going to be so disappointed when they figure out that despite his name, kid rock isn’t underage.

‪Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence. That’s how Shakira’s hips beat those perjury charges. ‬

I love it when people cancel plans with me so I can both bemoan my abandonment and not have to go out at the same time.

putting a rotisserie chicken on each hand and boxing people at costco

Shout out to the free samples lady who gave me the Heimlich

The phrase long arm of the law implies that there's also a short arm of the law, which would make it pretty difficult for the law to buy shirts.

According to the constitution, you legally do not have to leggo their eggo.

I found the way to get along at work is to simply repeat only the adjective someone uses to tell you about something. So if they’re like, I have to tell you about this amazing call. I listen, pause for a second like I’m taking it in, and then say, Amazing.

I’m still hoping to eat a new kind of sandwich someday… life is a rich pageant of possibility