Another time traveler showed up to the White House yesterday.

I had one of those vibrating pens from KB Toys in the 90s, so I’m pretty sure I could do tattoos.

I dunno but I think a bologna and cheese sandwich with crushed doritos on it might fix a few of us

One day you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re watching a storm from your porch while saying “we needed this rain.”

The day turned out too warm for my frock coat and bipperty-bopperty hat.

I know more about English literature than you can shake a speare at

life360 but for ice cream trucks

It’s time for our annual tradition of standing in the backyard looking up at sky mistaking the cast from mercury vapor fixture on the garage for the Northern Lights.

My milkshake brings all the ants to my car

You could prob do anything in Alabama

*takes my ball gag and goes home

Your jacket doesn’t squirt, it’s just a peacoat.

The only people who want mice in their house, are people who have rats in their house.

Graduates look like they’re cosplaying as a judge. And send.

My boss said it's inappropriate to bring my CPAP machine to work.

Please wait Do not remove your card Do not remove your card Do not remove your card HOLY FUCKING SHIT REMOVE YOUR CARD

Stevie Wonder recently attended his 76th birthday party in Detroit, he was told.

They made Twinkies smaller, so now I just eat two. I win.

It's so heartwarming when you see a whole family of dorks

always the bridesmaid, never the sea hag luring sailors to a watery grave

"birth rates are declining" don't care I already got born

“dunno if i’ll do any flipping but i’m all about flopping,” i say, sliding my feet into these noisy open-toed shoes

I call John Travolta’s Beret as a band name.

If it is good enough to line my uterus, it is good enough to line your shelves, Kevin.

dressing up like a sexy raccoon might solve at least a few of your problems

I said I was gonna wait until 2pm to have a beer but I waited until 2:15 and that’s how you exceed your goals, kids.

Roses are red, get your ears pierced at Claire’s…

i deleted that post . you happy now, you idiots ? hi ! 😘

flying under the radar is my superpower but it wasn’t enough to get me in the justice league

Life is real bad right now but at least my Etsy witch fully disappeared confirming that she is actually magic

I just peed low-key kind of a lot

I keep seeing posts about Xi. I assume that’s one of Elon Musk’s kids.

I still call Grogu the Sears Tower.

Call me when Drake releases some new coffee cakes.

Don't you hate it when you're showing your crush your new nunchuck routine and then a sinkhole opens up right under you?

Any sandwich is a panini if you sit on it.

You know what’s better than one billboard for fireworks? 17 billboards for fireworks.

Macaroni and cheese noises and chill?

This day in history. 1978. In a radio address Ronald Reagan defended the annual Canadian seal hunt saying that clubbing baby seals to death was the most humane way to keep them out of gangs.

Me: I can tie a cherry stem into a knot in my mouth. Dentist: Please spit that out.

It's like you've turned into a watery chocolate drink. I don't know Yoo-hoo are anymore.

got “duvet” and “bidet” mixed up so there’s a plumber wrapping my toilet in a cozy linen blend and my comforter shoots a powerful stream of water up my nethers whenever i wiggle my ass just right

“Meet me at the world of beer” was an actual sentence i got to say today

eating ass is slang for having an Asiago bagel

Working at Best Buy is the only blue collar job I’ve ever had.

A restaurant where the attractive servers also give you individualized educational lessons: Tooters.

I’m a ho-mowsexual bc I like to watch a slut cut my grass.

If you hold a seashell to your ear, you can hear the false outrage of the right.

they call kim jong un’s mother mah jong it’s 3:48am hello insomnia you stupid motherf