I let AI go ahead of me in traffic, and it didn’t give me a thank you wave.

I’m on this really nice diet called eat spaghetti before bed

I left my college kids a note taped to the back door about the yard before I left for work saying “I watered everything.” Both found the note hilariously aggressive due to the use of a period. They later took turns reading it to me in the various tones in which they received it.

Sir, a second plane has pulled out of the America 250 celebration.

origami artists make terrible poker players because they always fold

I told my kid that in Sweden a karate instructor is callled a svensei and then my wife called the cops.

a short skirt and a loooooooooong party sub

Blue Origin: our glenn rocket has experienced an anomaly guy named Glenn Rocket: what

Before Thomas Edison, refrigerators had a candle in them.

Your starvation diet seems to be working. You already look ten years hunger.

At Wrestlemania 12, Goldust hit Rowdy Roddy Piper with a fucking car, and you’re over there pretending you have problems.

me: also, what’s up with cherry tomatoes ? are they cherries or tomatoes ? my gynecologist: what

A royal rumble but it’s Home Depot parking lot drivers vs Trader Joe’s parking lot drivers

I tried to write jokes about hydrogen and oxygen, but they kept getting watered down...

Inflation is fun when it’s a balloon.

hydrogenate me like one of your vegetable oils 🫦

what happened to the days when young men threw hot dogs at their one true love

Honestly, I have no fuckin idea why anybody is following me at this point.

following my bluesky account will always remain ad free because fuck capitalism *takes a swig of Coke Zero and smiles at the camera*

I have an Egyptian friend who owns a parking enforcement company called Camel Tow.

Stevie Nicks turns 78 Tuesday. That's an awful lot of candles on the cake so Stand Back, Stand Back!

I never travel into the woods alone there might be a man out there

Another time traveler showed up to the White House yesterday.

I had one of those vibrating pens from KB Toys in the 90s, so I’m pretty sure I could do tattoos.

I dunno but I think a bologna and cheese sandwich with crushed doritos on it might fix a few of us

One day you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re watching a storm from your porch while saying “we needed this rain.”

The day turned out too warm for my frock coat and bipperty-bopperty hat.

I know more about English literature than you can shake a speare at

life360 but for ice cream trucks

It’s time for our annual tradition of standing in the backyard looking up at sky mistaking the cast from mercury vapor fixture on the garage for the Northern Lights.

My milkshake brings all the ants to my car

You could prob do anything in Alabama

*takes my ball gag and goes home

Your jacket doesn’t squirt, it’s just a peacoat.

The only people who want mice in their house, are people who have rats in their house.

Graduates look like they’re cosplaying as a judge. And send.

My boss said it's inappropriate to bring my CPAP machine to work.

Please wait Do not remove your card Do not remove your card Do not remove your card HOLY FUCKING SHIT REMOVE YOUR CARD

Stevie Wonder recently attended his 76th birthday party in Detroit, he was told.

They made Twinkies smaller, so now I just eat two. I win.

It's so heartwarming when you see a whole family of dorks

always the bridesmaid, never the sea hag luring sailors to a watery grave

"birth rates are declining" don't care I already got born

“dunno if i’ll do any flipping but i’m all about flopping,” i say, sliding my feet into these noisy open-toed shoes

I call John Travolta’s Beret as a band name.

If it is good enough to line my uterus, it is good enough to line your shelves, Kevin.

dressing up like a sexy raccoon might solve at least a few of your problems

I said I was gonna wait until 2pm to have a beer but I waited until 2:15 and that’s how you exceed your goals, kids.

Roses are red, get your ears pierced at Claire’s…

i deleted that post . you happy now, you idiots ? hi ! 😘