I asked the cashier working at KFC what the 11 secret herbs and spices are, and he just told me.

In the 2000s Jack Johnson released the same song 7 times and we all let it happen

I’m like if a pop-up ad was a person

Reached the age where I begin to realize that I’ll never find a bottle with a smoking hot genie in it

What if our hands touched in the shredded cheese bag

Imagine being alive for 500 years as a tree only to be cut down so 1000 hairless apes can wipe their ass with you.

A joke I like to make, and that everyone universally enjoys, when we're taxiing for a long time before takeoff is that we're driving to our destination.

The only reason Gene Kelly was dancing in the rain is because he didn't have to go to work with wet socks afterward.

WHY DOES THE SWEDISH CHEF HAVE HUMAN HANDS?

rapture happened if you can read this you are gay

When a doctor would ask if you drank or smoked and you replied yes, the whole air in the room changed

Tylenol causes elevator stops.

my 8 yr old has been an emotional tsunami and I'm a confused boat captain on this deranged ship lately

I'm not a proctologist, but I know how to be a pain in the ass.

Host: Let's play Wheel Of Ornithology! Me: Are there any jays? Host: No sorry Me: I'd like to buy an owl

I once saw a drunk bee. Okay, maybe he was just buzzing.

Dave Navarro buys all his clothes at a halloween store.

Horse weddings...shopping for bridle gowns

Some of you have never polished your kids’ leather shoes on Sunday mornings and it shows

i met a girl named joyce and immediately thought, that's how a snake would say joy

no question the doritos taco flavor reboot with the fake see-through window will have fbi scratching they head

I wonder if the sex toys in the toy story universe have any good songs about losing touch with their owners’ asses

I got kicked out of planet fitness for making fart sounds when people bend over.

antifa. beetifa. cricketifa. dragonflytifa

i like cool bugs and i cannot lie

My right thumb joint has 250,000 miles on it

that Stephen King movie where aliens come out a guy's butthole seems totally plausible now

My brain is 90% useless facts, 5% anxiety, and 5% the theme song to a show I haven’t seen in 20 years.

My eye doctor said I was as blind as a bat so my transformation to vampire is imminent

*rolls over in bed onto a Wendy’s bag containing a half eaten Baconator This must be what supermodels feel like when they wake up.

Roy Sullivan survived 7 lightning strikes, the most ever, before killing himself when rejected by his girlfriend. Not even 1.21 gigawatts is stronger than the power of love.

My husband loves it when he orders fries, I say I don’t want any, and then I swoop in on his like a seagull at the beach.

Me: *takes one step outside* Mosquitoes: *start tying on bibs and opening up tiny bottles of barbecue sauce*

i wanna a cool butt weapon and to collect pollen all day without all the bureaucracy of the hive

The highest and lowest point in the contiguous United States are in the same county. The highest and lowest point in my day took place in the same bathroom.

I hope to one day be the heir to a royal thrown.

Doctor: Your child has a cephalohematoma. Me: No, we don’t let him play with dinosaurs.

The Girl With The QR code Tattoo

I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers.

Imagine a world where the "n" is silent, not the "g", in bologna.

Welcome back to another episode of Are You Turning the Twist Tie in the Correct Direction?

There’s no cool way to chase a receipt down the street.

People are already celebrating Halloween like September 11 never happened

Wendy’s will be punished someday. God never intended hamburgers to be square.

flockwheel, glimmerblind swoop into reflected sky and fall, wings crumpled

If you don’t like me, I’m placing you under citizens arrest.

no one’s more vulnerable than a man trying to carry a mattress thru a doorway ❤️

that don't subaru impreza me much

Missed connection. It's just as well.