IT IS TIME.

imagine if a family of beavers randomly showed up right now and finished whatever thing you've been putting off

Why would you take health advice for your children from a pedophile?

Principal Skinner and Mrs Krebapple were in the closet making Antifa and I saw Antifa!

I just experienced the rapture* y'all *a transformative dump Is this the crapture?

Too late, Batman. Once this Tylenol floods the city's water supply, my wiki won't run out of editors ever again

He's furious because his son is autistic and he blamed his wife

I have taken the Tylenol that was in the medicine cabinet and which they think probably is the reason you like trains forgive me but that’s bullshit you got autism from your dad

dudes rock

Meet Kkkute

Shana Takeoffa

If you take health advice from a serial philandering mummified ham who likes to swim in shit, then you will rapture yourself ❤️

Autism does not need to be cured Ableism does The end

Shanah Tovah, New York City. Here's to a sweet and hopeful New Year.

I hope that when RFK Jr dies someday, someone has been hired and trained to capture whatever crawls out of the body, so that it doesn't find a new host

Boycotts work

*Diabeetus intensifies*

I now understand better than ever why all the noses and dicks got smashed off the ancient statues

I was reliably told celebrating political violence was cause for government reprisal and private sector termination.

Our expressions logging on every day to Bluesky

I know a fae trap when I see one

Let's kiss beneath the corn plane 🌽✈️🥹

I signed up via email and I am now in the gulag* *receiving endless Dem fundraising texts

Tired: Living your life mad that the Confederates lost the Civil War Wired: Living your life mad that Cleopatra and Mark Antony lost the Battle of Actium

"I like so many things about free speech. I like that my friends on TV can say they want to kill homeless people and then keep showing up for work like nothing happened."

I went to National Archives to see the 12th-27th Amendments (on display for 1st time)+ witnessed something extraordinary: A black docent proudly showed a group of white tourists the 13th Amendment, pointing where Abe Lincoln had signed. He was GLOWING. I had chills+ then I cried. History has weight.

I Had Sex With A Mummified Ham And All I Got For It Was A Job With Vanity Fair

MY GOD, I HAVE A NEW HERO. SHE HAD THEM SO HOOKED AND THEN BAM, SHE ATE THEM, BONES AND ALL.

Current status: escaping to South America with my boyfriend* (please don't tell my husband or share this in the news) *by total coincidence my boyfriend looks exactly like my husband 🫣

Vanity Affair

Olivia Nuzzi whenever someone runs the garbage disposal: I should call him

Japan has a wrestling camp for kids where at the end they have a show match in front of their parents to show off what they learned. Thought you'd enjoy this.

Bruh

RIP Robert Redford, a brilliant artist and performer, visionary philanthropist and the star of one of the most resilient reaction memes on the internet, even if most people don’t realize this is him:

gm

If someone’s not mourning the death of Robert Redford in a manner that’s consistent with your views, make sure you set up a database, call their employer, and get them fired.

Introducing the new state sanctioned late night show host, Ri Chun Hi. You will laugh directly into the mounted laugh measurer at the right moments. If your laughter is not appropriate or the right loudness, you will be sent to a state reeducation joke camp led by Rob Schneider.

Calling peoples' employers in a rage because their tributes to Robert Redford weren't horny enough

Tired: Both sides! Wired: 8 sided dice with one throw

Ta-Nehasi Coates is doing a lot of things with this essay, but one of the most important is fearlessly using examples of anti-trans hate to describe Charlie Kirk's politics. The contrast between his choices and those of other writers for major legacy outlets is revealing.

Should Animal Farm now be filed under "non-fiction"?

Everyone cites The Handmaid's Tale but no one references The Testaments, Atwood's searing and brilliant sequel. Well worth a read (or reread). We need stories and books and hope now more than ever.

This idea His Metaverse people 🤝 No Legs

Some personal news: I've been fired from the Washington Post in the aftermath of the Charlie Kirk shooting. Thread incoming. substack.com/@karenattiah...

✅ Marked SAFE from drug overdose death

Everyone thinks history is written by the historians... long term, it'll be written by archaeologists, who will find BBC dildo collections in ruins+ determine most women and a % of men worshipped a well endowed fertility god+made pilgrimages to a major cultic center (Good Vibrations in SanFran).

One good bit of advice I have Learned The Hard Way: When there are Things™️ happening in the world, ask what good is being advanced by your involvement/ commentary. This works both ways and across all happenings. It's worth taking a minute to ask yourself this, for your own mental health/well being.

Last time I checked- and please correct me if I am wrong- Jesus preached about love, warned against false prophets, and stood up for the poor and downtrodden. Did some people miss this message?