They say 'Let sleeping dogs lie.' But I think it's best to encourage pooches to be truthful.

Russian agent: With which bird-watching group are you affiliated? 007: Bon. Audubon.

Up on the furniture, the cat walks in front of the TV screen like she's an interactive audience participant at Rocky Horror Picture Show in a movie theater at midnight.

* changes the wall calendar from pumpkin to turkey *

My thumb feels like I should scroll BlueSky less often and more gently.

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a heated argument between warring factions.

Why say that it's Dolly Parton performing a youthful urban dance all day, when you can say that she's Twerking 9 to 5?

So why would you say it's the start of telling some jokes about hippies rather than say this is the dawning of the age of hilarious?

I'm so glad the commercial warned not to attempt having deer, lions, nor llamas drive a car.

Absentmindedly reaches back to pet your head.

I've lived long enough to know when it's time to just let the tears fall.

There are some things you just can't set aside.

Working on a way to monetize alienation.

When I say I'm a man of substance I mean controlled.

It's important to believe in something so I've chosen UFOs.

I wish we could return to a simpler time before the Internet and pants.

People say I'm unemotional but I'm pretty sure resentment is an emotion.

Don't make me say something I won't regret.

Why can't we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?

One day I'll learn to leave well enough alone. This isn't the day.

The devil plays tic tac toe with your hashtags.

I live in mortal fear of mispronouncing pecan in public.

"Any last words?" "SHORT-LIVED RHYMES WITH ARRIVED. AND THERE ARE TWO SYLLABLES IN ALLEGED."

I'm finding it hard to keep myself uninformed.

Let's not cheapen this moment with the truth.

I put on my big-boy pants like everybody else, reluctantly.

Instead of complaining about how we block the view at concerts I think it’s about time that short people thanked us taller folk for clearing their path of spiders webs.

*drinks battery acid, just to feel something*

Not to brag but I just got my latest pension statement and as long as I retire in 1997 my retirement should be extremely comfortable.

The best way to avoid being hit with unfair taxation without representation is by throwing the leaves of a mildly addictive yet comforting shrub into the harbour. Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don't want you to know.

"PUT THE FUCKING CASH IN THE FUCKING BAG OR I'LL BLOW YOUR FUCKING FACE OFF!" And that was the last time I ever played Monopoly with the kids.

Being married means never having 𝚝̶𝚘̶ ̶𝚞̶𝚗̶𝚍̶𝚎̶𝚛̶𝚜̶𝚝̶𝚊̶𝚗̶𝚍̶ ̶𝚠̶𝚑̶𝚢̶ ̶𝚢̶𝚘̶𝚞̶ ̶𝚊̶𝚛̶𝚎̶ ̶𝚑̶𝚊̶𝚟̶𝚒̶𝚗̶𝚐̶ to say sorry.

The secret to being a 𝗀̶𝗈̶𝗈̶𝖽̶ dad can be summed up in 4 words: “Go ask your mother”

Kiss me, I taste like old cheddar.

Gaslighting myself into having hope for the future.

Sometimes I ask myself, “What would Gary Busey do?” and I think I know how I fucked my life up so badly.

What the heck is a beaver moon? I thought those were two different things. I’m terrible with female anatomy, tho.

Make life more interesting by being the most absolutely batshit crazy version of you.

No nut November sure is easy when you’re completely unfuckable.

As you go to work today to start another week, it may help to remember that Skeletor was often thwarted by his own inept henchman too

I heard, "if you want it sugar coated, go to a bakery" thanks, i'll take a dozen glazed and let's cleanse this world with fire

Imagine just throwing your trash on the ground, like, "I am done with this. It is not my problem." Then someone else walks up, they're done too, and they're like, "What do I do with this? Oh I see! I will just let go. I will just open my hand and forget I ever had this." Quit littering hearts

You know how the music fades to silence at the end of some songs? I wish I could end boring conversations that same way.

After 60, you’re basically just always scanning for places to sit down.

Internet addiction is now an official mental disorder and you can go to rehab for it . . . but I'm not going unless they have wifi.

Wait so long to do laundry that you rediscover an entire wardrobe you forgot you owned.

One good trick for remembering the names of new people in your life is to not bother with meeting new people.

I’m “Blockbuster and relax” years old.

In Hell, you are perpetually stuck between the tailgaiter and the asshole going 10 under the speed limit.

White and red wine pairs well with different foods but both pair well with difficult relatives and annoying neighbors.