The stronger you are, the harder you cry.

I really miss just getting lost in my thoughts.

For fuck sakes never ever forget that you remained gentle in a life that was anything but.. And that is why I loved you and swallowed you whole.. #brokenpoet

Move along darling I'm not the nightmare you're looking for..

Lesson 102 It is never ever “ IT’S ALL GOOD”

No no..I’ll be okay I have my disappointment cheese

I’m yet to meet a leprechaun when I wasn’t drunk.

If cheese could talk don’t believe what it says about me.

A detached substance floating in their memories

If nothing else I smell faintly of bacon so that’s a positive

My cat got into the booth with me while I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

Good news: I dreamed that I got a raise. Looking forward to having a little more dream cash in my pocket each month.

Ever get so wasted you wake up the next morning wearing a third contact lens? No?

The world was a better place when we didn't know what was on everybody's mind.

I think my boss is sick of me calling him "toots"

Allow me to recklessly speculate

Don't worry, you'll find the lost scissors when you'll be searching for your glasses

Do you find it difficult to drink only one cup of coffee at a time, or are you a non human robot

Cheese, but at what cost

Feel free to drill a hole in my skull and suck whatever you want out of there with one of those thick bubble tea straws.

My brastrap just amputated an arm.

Costuming got confused and dressed all the crisis actors in tights and codpieces.

I just walked up to a guy at work and said, “Hey Glen?” and he said, “It’s Glenn,” and I have no idea how he knows I missed the second, silent N.

*rolls over in bed onto a Wendy’s bag containing a half eaten Baconator This must be what supermodels feel like when they wake up.

2025 update so far: Still garbage.

I'm sorry I described your penis as adorable.

I'm not like other girls. I'm absolutely unwavering in my belief that nothing bad could ever happen to anyone at Trader Joe's.

90% of adulthood is just deleting emails

Cashier: your receipt is in the bag Me: thanks, you too

[30 seconds into a jazz song] Omg, I think I really like jazz! [30 seconds later] Alright, enough of this

I get all my messages from the bottom of a bottle. Wine bottle, whiskey bottle, rum bottle, scotch bottle…

Does anybody care about anything?

I’m invisible and nobody can see me. I’m a ghost. I’m also going to let the dogs out…

I know I'm not the only one going through hardship right now, but please keep me in your thoughts as I try to recover from thanking someone for a compliment that wasn't intended for me.

My socks taught me that even if you’re made for each other it doesn’t always mean that you’ll stay together.

It’s called progressive rock because of the type of lenses its listeners have to wear.

I stood in the sunshine, happily munching green beans as fast as I could pick them, a moment of unfettered joy, savoring summer in a garden.

When I find a good parking spot, I say, "Oooo a Costanza," and my kids are like, is dad having a stroke?

I'm always my authentic self, and apparently that's not great for marriage.

Can we change BREAKING NEWS to HEART BREAKING NEWS already?

I'm weirder than AI art, so there's that.

Some days I just like to go outside and pretend I'm a dandelion... today is one of those days...

If naps had a taste, it would probably taste like pizza.

Is there a way to turn "Sleep Study Participant" into a full-time job?

All I'm saying is, if you raised your own cows, you'd be less inclined to throw away that half cheeseburger.

The term "craft ice" proves we can ruin anything.

Attacked by the privilege of arrogance.

Sugar-coating my assumptions has given me nothing but cavities.

My podcast is me farting in a crowded elevator.