No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore

seeing me doing relatively well in life has radicalized my parents.

It’s good to go 19th-century from time to time. I have been obsessing about the length of candle wicks, for example.

Please respect my privacy while I hit a curb.

Going full Michael Douglas in Falling Down because Oral-B keeps changing the floss I like.

I’ll come over to watch a movie late at night, not no funny business out of respect for the artists, Freddie Prinze Junior and Matthew Lillard.

grabbing two beers from the on-board fridge pulling the escape chute and sliding down out of this bitch

Two (2) weeks in the same pants – a love story

I don't understand your haircut but it continues to speak to me in its incomprehensible tongue.

Don't make me do it (press the button that says restore 68 tabs)

My swear jar takes digital payments

Bought a head of red cabbage for a recipe, and now what am I supposed to do, eat red cabbage for the next month?

Sometimes I need a beige meal to take the edge off

i just used the word ‘overwhelmed’ as i thanked my mail carrier this morning for delivering me some coupons for hometown buffet.

I promised my truck that when it’s time, I’m gonna put it in neutral and let it roll off a ledge into an old quarry

If my grandmother taught me anything, it's that once you take your shirt off in public to fight someone, you HAVE to fight someone.

Repotting plants at 6 a.m. for Jesus

A washing machine that warns you when it detects little balls of tissue paper in your pockets

A day of rest after monster truck voices hyped us relentlessly into a quiet corner

I hope your fingers don't break through the toilet paper today

It’s just me and my prescription eczema cream from 2013 against the world.

It's pretty apt that there's a single r in 'loner'.

Everyone stay calm, I’ve got this *hands out cheese*

Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.

Me, an arborist pointing at a tree: "Wood."

Just casually doing my dishes while screaming into the void

smoking speed at the weed of light

Going into McDonald’s with a 96-disc CD holder booklet and telling the staff to fill it with hash browns.

Whatever music you put on while sitting fully clothed in the shower at the end of a long day is the real you

Trees are sick of our shit

the tiny little fluffy birds on my balcony eating the birdseed make me happy

i saw a hipster with a mullet today nature is eating its own tail

What if you had to order french fries by the exact number of fries you’d like, not just large or medium.

if anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.

I just saw a guy put the two frosted sides of his heated pop-tarts together and then he ate it like a sandwich. I think he said he was from the future.

I use my phone like I'm playing Wii bowling when I send a banger skeet

Give a man a fish. Maintain unbroken eye contact. Do not say a word.

You had me at fuck no

You can just say you just finished a workout it doesn't need to be true

My nephew beat me in mario kart once, but someone paid me to take a dive.

The best time to save your birth placenta was when you were born. The second best time is now.

I prefer the title reply savant

casting demons out of this pot pie rn

A restaurant is going out of business and in the comments someone wrote “The last time we ate there we got a charm from a charm bracelet in our food.” Which I think is lucky.

I’ve been eating shredded cheese for weeks and I still look doughy.

The second I get replicator access on the Enterprise.

I noticed you liked but didn’t reskeet. Was it my comma?