in the timeline of human history the 1970s were the most ‘driving a buick skylark into a motel pool’ era.

having my dojo fumigated

Let’s meet at the sand-pit. We’ll listen to REO Speedwagon unironically and drink Boone’s Farm until we see balloons

Suffering from sciatic pain. Lion shit.

I am wearing cheese sauce to the apocalypse, apparently.

*attaching a silencer to the staple gun*

I’ve been following this hiker’s journey online and I learned that hikers go by trail names. And I just know my trail name would’ve been Tums.

In the 70’s, men grew their sideburns long enough to shelter orphaned fawns. Women stropped jello knives on their own palms. It was bitchin. Our ashtrays were shaped like kidneys

Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe, Charlie Brown?

[me when the lady at a yard sale tells me the $35 treadmill doesn’t go that fast anymore] that’s ok it’s for a cat

Might go down to the basement to eat some chocolate

one time i tried to microwave my bluetooth & i accidentally sequenced the genome of a nearby strawberry pop tart & discovered that it was related to king henry VIII.

Hi, which of the Four Horsemen are you? I'm Pants.

How are my favorite cereals doing on the NASDAQ

Folks,

What pill can make me feel like I'm always having a really good idea

Cobwebs are just goth tinsel.

Broken bat single would be a beautiful dating app bio for a divorced bat dad

*AOL voice* You have enemies.

It’s about time corduroy was restored to its rightful place in the hierarchy of pants.

Just once i'd like to see a shark wearing people tooth jewellery

I could listen to a Frenchman say artificial insemination all day long

I bust through a set of saloon doors, dusty from riding the trail, but instead of Buffalo Gals the piano player is playing Take On Me

All I ever wanted was to be beautiful and lead lined.

No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore

in my defense your honor, i thought i was winning stupid prizes

Don’t be afraid to share your writing. There are six Sharknado movies.

1992 is the 90’s but 1998 isn’t, I won’t be taking questions.

I know everything costs a lot more now but at least it's also worse quality

Hell, Mary

The fellow in charge of the 360 days without an accident sign fell from a ladder while changing the numbers.

You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.

one time a million jean jackets rained down from the sky onto our village indicating, according to ancient lore & scripture, that the labor day sale at sears was now in progress.

Deleted Account is a beautiful name for a boy

Calling the pizza place to see if they do ride-alongs like the police do.

I already resemble a Bond villain, it’s time to go all in.

Hahaha yeah, I'll do that thing you like. *Eats chicken nuggets and watches cartoons*

Being able to order food without having to talk to someone is the greatest use of the internet since pornography.

On which date do you tell them you’re undead?

always terrifying when no one is there to bless you and you're just racking up unblessed sneezes

if you pour a bunch of cottage cheese into kool-aid man it won't kill him but it will slow him down

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent

I was promised there would be tots here

Accept that some things are none of my business ? Sure I'll stop breathing too

may go to the beach and find a new shell to inhabit

If elected, waffles will come with an extra waffle of bonus material like a DVD box set.

street fighter but on famous streets: thread