Just casually doing my dishes while screaming into the void

smoking speed at the weed of light

I nap in the back of my dragula

Going into McDonald’s with a 96-disc CD holder booklet and telling the staff to fill it with hash browns.

what it feels like to do mushrooms with the homies

Whatever music you put on while sitting fully clothed in the shower at the end of a long day is the real you

Trees are sick of our shit

the tiny little fluffy birds on my balcony eating the birdseed make me happy

i saw a hipster with a mullet today nature is eating its own tail

What if you had to order french fries by the exact number of fries you’d like, not just large or medium.

if anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.

I just saw a guy put the two frosted sides of his heated pop-tarts together and then he ate it like a sandwich. I think he said he was from the future.

I use my phone like I'm playing Wii bowling when I send a banger skeet

Give a man a fish. Maintain unbroken eye contact. Do not say a word.

You had me at fuck no

You can just say you just finished a workout it doesn't need to be true

My nephew beat me in mario kart once, but someone paid me to take a dive.

The best time to save your birth placenta was when you were born. The second best time is now.

I prefer the title reply savant

casting demons out of this pot pie rn

A restaurant is going out of business and in the comments someone wrote “The last time we ate there we got a charm from a charm bracelet in our food.” Which I think is lucky.

I’ve been eating shredded cheese for weeks and I still look doughy.

The second I get replicator access on the Enterprise.

I noticed you liked but didn’t reskeet. Was it my comma?

Waiting for a report to come out that says shaking a vending machine when your chocolate bar gets stuck is a sign of high emotional intelligence

The classic rock station has been playing songs that were released when I was lil so it confirms to me that I am indeed classic so that’s nice that’s good news

Got ghosted by a mortician but I trust they’ll see me again

everything happens for a reason and occasionally that reason is the world is out to get you

these spin doctors aren’t doing shit for my nausea

eating all this cake should unlock an achievement or something

Not inspired to do good or evil, but a secret third thing (peanut butter cleanse).

per my last breakdown

How many vanilla chapsticks can you eat per week

Who up stress-eating a pudding ring

She asked me what my favorite book is and I said coloring

Thinking I’m cool with the whole pug community because I have one pug friend

Filing a motion to move slowly, there's a bee on my motion to move erratically

I’m tired of giving friendly advice. I’m going to start offering violent alternatives

There is nothing melted cheese cannot correct, except for maybe an open chest wound.

Man I love a good crescendo

A Home Alone movie that takes place in the Final Destination universe. Kevin dodges death by being left behind but can he outsmart fate? Probably bring back Daniel Stern.

my friends: okay, we’re all here, what’s this emergency you’ve been talking about? me: {in a perfect ray romano voice} i’ve decided to talk like ray romano from here on out.

Woke up feeling like an overdressed salad

Hard-boiled can describe eggs or detective novels.

I’m developing a game where you have to go back to assassinate Adam. It’s a first person shooter.

Mailboxes are so fancy now. I just now mistook one for an attractive woman in white slacks reaching down to pick up her fake passport

I haven't been here much. I've interacted even less. The pleasure is all yours.

Expired yogurt is cancel culture

Weird how all of us who went to college back in the 90's had a phase where we hung out with the singer from Incubus.

You ever seen those goats that keep climbing into the fire, then you know why I’m here