The snow tires that have been on my car all year are relevant again.

I used to love winter but now I'm just cold, a magic is gone adventure

a best of pop-tarts box with all their top flavors and a couple rare japanese b-sides

I’ll decide what a band’s “best of..” is

instead of flowers people should throw ham slices onto the ice those skaters need protein

No one shrinking kids much any more.

Lucy is having you committed, Charlie Brown

The teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.

Bread monkey. A monkey that brings you bread. Maybe he bakes it too, we'll come back to that.

jumping out of a cake and finding yourself inside an even larger cake

Neither shitposter nor hitposter but a secret absurd thing (fortune pierogi)

[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you push the start button.

Thanksgiving 7-11 hotdogs, there might be some turkey in there.

uncle after two beers: i built a resident evil style research facility under my farmhouse

Decorated a turkey and put a Christmas tree in the oven

I wish I wasn’t as dumb as I was. am. was?

feel me up with your cheesecake hands

I feel a fake migraine coming on

Drinking a few of those pinocchio beers that turn you into a donkey before family arrives for thanksgiving

Sticking my head through the porch railings just to feel something

If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint dept they have to mix it for you

Googled if you can use queen sheets on a full bed. The answer is yes but they will be too big.

just butting in to say leave me out of it

The panini grill broke down so I just drew the lines on with a felt pen

zoom should have little games you can play in a sidebar during meetings

If I was running this planet we’d have more grilled cheese in space

Can we at least get some LSD in the water or something?

After 17 years on The Internet the thing that surprises me the most is that though I am not a bird watcher, I *do* really enjoy other people watching birds for me.

There are ghosts in my nervous system urging me to join them.

Don't rly appreciate the word "miracle" being used in the title of skin care products

It's the Mission Impossible theme tune except it's just me trying to get from my car to my house without being trapped for chit chat with a gossipy neighbour

Sneaking a big gulp cup of alfredo sauce into the movie theater.

This sneezing fit is punk af

You know how when you uncover enough universal truths you reach a free personal one, I just got a realizations on off switch

Screaming into my phone like it's a banana.

Sometimes what the doctor ordered is a nice lil beige meal

Got too many enemies down at the 5 pin bowling alley.

I'm into the 15th season of watching my figure.

one time my dad ran into a burning house to save his neighbor’s sixpence none the richer cd.

Every single post I have ever saved has been by accident or act of God.

HOW CAN I BUILD A BEAR I’M NOT GOD

Would you like to stay logged in? Okay we'll log you out

Just saw a Little Caesars employee get betrayed by their coworkers.

I kiss my biceps after each skeet

whatcha know about that watermelon Laffy Taffy with the seeds

The neighbors can’t believe how much yard work I’ve got done today. The HOA is talking about a drug test.

black forest ham, dark fortress chicken, cursed talisman turkey

I approach my bowl of spaghetti from below, employing a bubble-net feeding technique I learned from the humpbacks

I park furthest away from entrances. It’s more of a walk, but I’m always outta there first.