Can't sleep. Still mad at my parents for lying to me about Santa Claus

Have you identified a pervasive societal problem or was one person weird to you

My best piece of advice, and this is something I learned the hard way, is: if you live in an elevator building, get a keychain that is larger in every dimension than the gap between the elevator car and the elevator door

love my apparently bug-based tl

if i was going to give a college commencement speech i would make sure to start with something the students could rally behind. something like "we will mechanically suck the youth from your bones to feed a mechanical eschaton, which my generation will use to climb heaven and become new gods"

when a woman has an opinion, Online

For you to understand how much the world has changed, in the 1970s as a second grader we were REQUIRED to watch the TV show adaptation of ROOTS. REQUIRED. www.knoxnews.com/story/news/e...

One thing you can do to make a small difference that adds up over time is, if you're in the position, to hire trans people and refuse to hire bigots. I've done both and it's super fucking easy. You just tell the chuds you're not interested in hiring any shitheads.

did you hear about the horrifying thing that youre powerless to do anything about

What doesn’t kill you fucks up your nervous system so it feels like you can’t have a normal life

[after convincing father in law to take me hunting again because I ruined the first trip by naming all the deer stephen] "RUN STEPHEN"

i think about this tweet a lot

I never feel more like a monkey than when a catchphrase works on me

looks like its true what they say april showers bring may growers

Actually you know what, let me just

no, I don't have a favorite "star war." personally, I'm more interested in "star peace"

can the fourth be with you

I'm going on Master Chef, looking Gordon Ramsay dead in the eye while I pop this in the microwave, then staring at him unblinking for two minutes until it's ready.

No one hates my Star Wars fandom more than my son Porkins.

No, it isn't blood on my face. It's ketchup. I just rolled out of bed.

Also really funny that Richard Dawkins refuses to acknowledge that trans women are women but thinks "Claudia" is an entirely new form of life because it called him smart

15 years ago today, Kate and William killed Osama Bin Laden at their wedding.

you can’t criticize babies because you’ll never be able to walk a mile in shoes that tiny

Haha get their ass, PBS

this would fix the website

I'd poison the hell out of that shark from jaws no problem

so I guess now "diabolical" just means whatever we decide it means in that particular sentence

this is one of the most painful silences I've ever seen bahahaha

This is where I died & had to be resuscitated

I would do well as a Jeopardy! contestant if before responding to a clue I could spend a couple of minutes saying, “It’ll come to me.”

For sale: baby shoes. So fuckin worn. This baby ran everywhere fast as shit

everyone's against the inhuman prison system until someone they dislike does something illegal

People ask me all the time for my favorite Onion headline, and there are like 200 of them, but my favorite recent print headline is easily this:

IT'S REALLY FUCKED UP YOU GUYS

For sale: baby jetpack. Worn once

What are we going to do about this. Real question. How do we stop it, like, yesterday.

you do not have to hand it to Tucker fucking Carlson. Knock it off

I hadn't seen this before. This is pretty remarkable. Earth and Moon in one NASA photo. ht @astrokatie.com

Live look at Orion, the Moon, and Earth lined up 🌕🌎 “Everyone is in this picture”

This website is FREE

to the joker, today is just april day

interviewer: and what would you say are your greatest weaknesses me: well i’m really good at understanding questions

Maybe God is mad at us because we had the hubris to claim we could build bears.

if a leftist says he's anti-zionist because of the war crimes of a sovereign nation the times will suggest he is an anti-semite. if a conservative says that he is "j-pilled" the times will say it's about foreign policy.