Donald Trump wouldn't know a communist if they stuffed their hand up his ass and worked him like a puppet.

BELOW: During a meeting with Turkey's President Erdoğan, Donald Trump performed his impersonation of Mitch McConnell.

Donald Trump ruins everything. He ruined America's 250th birthday. He ruined the National Mall. He ruined fireworks. He ruined the bipartisan housing bill. He ruined passports. He ruined soccer. And that's just in the past week.

BREAKING: Donald Trump has gone back to not giving a shit about soccer.

In 1944, Nazis would have said these guys were suffering from Hitler Derangement Syndrome.

BELOW: The last place anyone should be bringing children.

On July 4, 1776, the United States declared its independence from Great Britain. As soon as possible, the United States needs to declare its independence from Donald Trump.

If you were cool with this, you can shove that "Happy Independence Day" up your ass.

BREAKING: Mitch McConnell, dead inside at 84.

Some people think it's wrong to speak ill of the dead, so while he's still alive, let's all agree that Mitch McConnell is shit wrapped in skin.

According to White House sources, this year's record-breaking Fourth of July fireworks display in Washington D.C., said to include over 800,000 shells, will end with the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool being set on fire.

I don't know who this band is that's playing Donald Trump's Freedom 250, but there are literally more people on the stage than in the audience.

UNFUN FACT: In the case of birthright citizenship, three Supreme Court justices found the Constitution unconstitutional.

Donald Trump has a type: his daughter.

Donald Trump's triumphal arch is a pile of failure coated with a layer of loser.

When Donald Trump dies, somebody will have to wake him up and tell him.

It was called Freedom 250 because that's how many people went.

He's a moron. He's always been a moron. You're a moron for voting for him.

Mike Johnson: "If we lose the midterms, the Democrats will investigate our crimes."

They must both have small dicks.

WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH THE GRASS I NEED YOU TO REPAINT A POOL

FDR: "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." JFK: "Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country." DJT: "Most people don't know there's a b in dumb."

JD Vance: "Does this pink fabric come in upholstery? Because I do."

The same people who think Democrats are communists think Donald Trump is a Christian.

On a scale of whiteness, Mike Johnson is somewhere between sour milk and spoiled mayonnaise.

Trump supporters: I block you for the same reason I scrape dog shit off my shoes. Not because I'm "afraid" of dog shit, but because dog shit has no inherent value, creates a huge mess, and makes everything smell like dog shit. To be clear, in this analogy, you are dog shit.

Sources close to Satan say he's got something very special planned for Mitch McConnell.

Nobody dumped fertilizer into the reflecting pool. Nobody cut a 350-foot slit in the paint. Nobody sabotaged or desecrated the pool in any way. Donald Trump, his appointees, his lackeys, and his friends are all just terrible at everything.

BREAKING: JD Vance has renegotiated every concession Barack Obama got from Iran so they're a lot shittier.

What Republicans say: "I think the president is getting bad advice." What Republicans mean: "I think the president is a fucking moron and I'm too big of a pussy to say so."

Q: Who vandalized the reflecting pool? A:

BELOW: Elon Musk waiting in vain for one of his 14 children to call him on Father's Day.

BREAKING: Republicans are furious that the Ann Dunham Water Terrace at the newly opened Obama Presidential Center is not filled with patriotic green algae.

Speaking of peeling paint.

NOT SHOWN: The worst living president.

Republicans have stopped talking about the reflecting pool so quickly you'd think it was a fake assassin.

Q: What's the difference between Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and autistic children? A: Autistic children have families who love them.

Everything Donald Trump touches turns to shit, then Republicans scoop it into a cone and call it chocolate ice cream.

MEANWHILE, AT THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL REFLECTING POOL: These colors don't run, but when you pour hydrogen peroxide on them, they peel.

Introducing Pantone's newest color, Pedophile Green.

"I had pudding today."

BELOW: The face you make when you'd rather be home throwing buckets of ice water on the girls chained in your basement.

Russia: "Trump is my bitch." Israel: "No, Trump is my bitch." Iran: "No, Trump is my bitch." Algae in the reflecting pool: "No..."

Lipstick on a pig, meet foundation on a corpse.

Eric is the dumbest Trump, which is like being the deepest pothole, the itchiest hemorrhoid, the smelliest sewer, or the worst Kid Rock song.

Happy 80th Birthday, President Trump. You don’t look a day over dead.

It's going to take a lot more than scaffolding and power tools to get Donald Trump's name out of the Epstein files.

SHOWN: Donald Trump's name being removed from the Kennedy Center.

GREAT IDEA: Tax this nutsack down to millionaire.

According to the Republican Party, there are two types of elections in the United States: fair elections they win, and rigged elections they lose.