BREAKING: A civil war has erupted in the Republican Party between those who know Donald Trump raped children and care a little bit and those who know Donald Trump raped children and don't care at all.

Unhappy Presidents Day to the worst one ever.

According to White House sources, Donald and Melania Trump celebrated Valentine's Day with their annual tradition of watching the first half of Casablanca, cheering for the Nazis, and hurling racial slurs at Sam the piano player.

It's Valentine's Day, so the entire Republican Party can kiss my ass.

A wild animal is at its most dangerous when it is cornered. That goes double when it is also stupid.

"The Dow is over 50,000 right now." - Pam Bondi, doing the cost-benefit analysis for child rape

RELATIONSHIP ADVICE: Find someone who will defend you with the same ferocity that Pam Bondi defends a pedophile.

According to sources close to the Vice President, JD Vance is considering coming out as a pedophile to make himself more acceptable to Donald Trump's base.

DID YOU KNOW? All it takes to make Republicans apoplectic with rage is some Spanish-speaking people dancing and being happy?

There is nothing more American than making Kid Rock look like shit.

Republicans: "It's not fair! When we gerrymander, it's to make us win. When Democrats gerrymander, it's to make us lose."

BELOW: The kind of thing you post when every redacted name in the Epstein files is yours.

Bullet dodged, so to speak.

In a recent interview, Donald Trump promised to accept the results of the midterm elections if he is allowed to decide what they are.

No one has ever sat in a parked car with the radio on waiting for a Kid Rock song to finish.

If the line isn't drawn at raping children, there is no line.

Movies, TV, and comic books lied to us by making us believe that megalomaniacal billionaires bent on world domination would be at least a little bit cool.

UNFUN FACT: Donald Trump would kill you, everyone you know, everyone you're related to, everyone they know, everyone he knows, and everyone he doesn't know to hide the Epstein files.

COMING THIS SUNDAY: Entertainment for people who know from experience if skunk tastes like chicken.

The only thing this map proves is that stupid people take up too much space.

Why boycott Kid Rock for political reasons when you can do it for musical ones?

BELOW: When you desperately want to talk to your best friend but you had him killed in his cell.

We know. They know. We know they know. They know we know they know. They don't care.

Fuck 2026.

BREAKING: Donald Trump gets private screening of new Melania film.

BREAKING: Attendance at Trump-Kennedy Center down 600 percent.

Kristi Noem is about to go from being the stupidest person in Trump's cabinet to being the stupidest person not in Trump's cabinet.

To maintain a PG rating, the new Melania Trump film was edited to remove scenes showing how she got her Einstein visa.

Republicans then: "I'll give you my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead hands." Republicans now: "Why did he have a gun if he wasn't looking for trouble?"

Donald Trump is about to find out the hard way what Rotten Tomatoes is.

BREAKING: Tiny head Nazi Gregory Bovino no longer head Nazi, still tiny.

The same people who are asking why a peaceful protestor would need a gun can't order a latte without one.

When you can be killed by federal agents while not breaking the law, what's the point of not breaking the law?

Penguin: "Just because there's snow doesn't mean I live here, fuckhead."

LIMERICK There once was a douchebag named Trump, Who was a lying fucking asshole. Fuck that guy, Fuck that guy, Fuck that guy.

Trump: "Canada is no longer invited to join my super awesome Board of Peace." Canada: "That's too bad. We were totally going to give you the Maple Syrup and Poutine International Peace Prize." Trump: "Really?" Canada: "No, dumbass."

Run, don't walk, toward the light.

WINTER WEATHER ADVISORY FOR TEXAS: Freezing temperatures and possible snow could cause massive power grid failures thanks to these incompetent gargoyles.

If I were a single-issue voter, my single issue would be that child rapists should be in prison.

Donald Trump's hand obviously doesn't have the miraculous regenerative powers of his ear.

According to a recent poll of stupid motherfuckers, 100% of stupid motherfuckers still support Donald Trump.

Every day, Donald Trump reminds us what a president is supposed to be: not him.

PHOTO: Republicans searching unsuccessfully for the balls to stand up to Donald Trump.

BELOW: If Richie Rich were a sex offender.

Everyone is sick all of a sudden. I wonder what changed.

You can buy an Oscar statue at auction, but that doesn't mean you won the 1930 Academy Award for Best Cinematography.

Why would a parent bring their child to the Oval Office, the one place guaranteed to have a pedophile?

Six men against one woman because you can't spell incel without ICE.

Wake up, asshole. If I don't get to sleep through your presidency, you don't.

Men are too emotional to be president.