If "I have candy in my van" were a person.

During this difficult time, please show as much compassion to Tulsi Gabbard as she has shown to the transgender community.

Donald Trump Jr.: "Since my father refuses to come to my wedding, would you walk me down the aisle, big pile of cocaine?"

You MAGA dumbfucks wish this was AI-generated.

If I were a single-issue voter, my single issue would be that violent insurrectionists should be in prison, not collecting taxpayer dollars.

At least when he's asleep, he isn't raping children.

WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH THE GRASS I NEED YOU TO PAINT A POOL AND BUILD AN ARCH AND FINISH A BALLROOM

If the line isn't drawn at raping children, there is no line.

A wild animal is at its most dangerous when it's cornered. That goes double when it's also stupid.

SHOWN: When you got an F in history and a D in gym.

Teddy Roosevelt spoke softly and carried a big stick. Donald Trump speaks loudly and is as dumb as a stick.

"[President Xi said] America is a nation in decline and I said, 'You're right.'" - Donald Trump, president of said nation for six of the last ten years

BELOW: The face you make when you get everything you wanted from the cankled pedo bitch.

"There's a reason President Trump is respected by world leaders, and it's because he's consistently shown a level of strength that we haven't seen from our Commander in Chief in modern history." - Vice President JD Vance, whose career plan is for Donald Trump to drop dead

If you built a hundred fuck you factories that made fuck you 24 hours a day you still wouldn't have enough fuck you for this goon.

Donald Trump: "I hate the American people and I hope they all die." Republicans, later: "What he meant was, 'I love the American people and I hope they all live long, full lives.'"

BREAKING: China welcomes pedophile.

Jesus Christ, the Epstein files must be worse than we thought.

Donald Trump is the physical manifestation of how badly Republicans wanted to be racist in public.

Wake up, asshole. If we don't get to sleep through your presidency, you don't.

LIFE HACK: Tax these fuckers into poverty.

It makes sense that the shittiest president ever would want the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool to look like Ty-D-Bol.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers who didn't raise pedophiles.

Pigeons won't know whether to shit or throw up.

Except for the president, who never went to church, our country is being run by the kids whose parents signed waivers excusing them from high school sex education classes on religious grounds.

Republicans: "Gas may be five dollars a gallon but at least our president is a pedophile."

Is there anything Donald Trump could possibly handle worse than a sagging economy or a war in the Middle East? BREAKING: Hantavirus outbreak on cruise ship leaves three dead.

Republicans are in charge of the Senate. Republicans are in charge of the House. Republicans are in charge of the Presidency. Republicans are in charge of the Supreme Court. Republicans are to blame for everything.

PHOTO: Met Gala sponsors Jeff and Lauren Sánchez Bezos illustrating this year's theme "Who Gives a Fuck if Donald Trump Raped Children?"

Donald Trump is not simply stupid. His idiocy is a complex system of ignorance, narcissism, and xenophobia, wrapped in a web of insecurity and covered by a thick layer of self-loathing, afloat in a spiraling, ever-widening miasma of dumb.

Some people think it's wrong to speak ill of the dead, so while he's still alive, let's all agree that Rudy Giuliani is shit wrapped in skin.

Trump University. Trump Casino. Trump Steaks. Trump Water. Trump Wine. Trump Vodka. Trump Airlines. Trump Mortgage. Trump Magazine. Trump Entertainment. Trump Foundation. Nothing could be more on-brand than the Trump War being an expensive failure.

If you can’t stop talking about your cognitive test, you need a cognitive test.

BELOW: Trump pantomimes a three-way with Putin and Netanyahu.

ANSWERS TO YESTERDAY'S TRUMP QUIZ 1. Pedophile 2. Pedophile 3. Pedophile 4. Pedophile 5. Child rapist

BELOW: In response to plummeting poll numbers, Donald Trump orders another assassination attempt from Temu.

"Goddamn it, if only I had built a ballroom."

I miss the good old days when I didn't know Charlie Kirk was married.

BELOW: Six good reasons why Supreme Court justices should not be appointed for life.

"86" is an American slang term meaning to get rid of, discard, or cancel someone or something. Not murder. So, 86 the fuck out of 47.

If you built a hundred fuck you factories that made fuck you 24 hours a day you still wouldn't have enough fuck you for this goon.

BELOW: Secret Service agents protect Donald Trump from violence he incited.

You know what's more secure than a big new ballroom? Prison.

Next time, if you want to fool anybody other than your idiot supporters, move the clouds.

Donald Trump: "Iran is something that was essentially over in two or three days." Also Donald Trump: "We estimated it would take approximately four to six weeks and we're way ahead of schedule." Also also Donald Trump: "Don't rush me. We were in Vietnam for 18 years."

It turns out Donald Trump doesn't need a pandemic to wreck the economy.

FACT: The male loneliness epidemic is directly linked to the MAGA douchebag outbreak.

According to the Republican Party, there are two types of elections in the United States: fair elections they win, and rigged elections they lose.

The man most responsible for the health and well-being of the American people breathes like an asthmatic cow giving birth to a Buick LeSabre.

Republicans: "It's not fair! When we gerrymander, it's to make us win. When Democrats gerrymander, it's to make us lose."