"Don't release the files that exonerate me." - no innocent person ever

If the Epstein files prove that Bill Clinton raped children, he should go to jail. See how easy that was, Republicans?

BELOW: Donald Trump and Jeffrey Epstein just hoaxing around.

Today's Republican Party is almost completely defined by how far they'll go to protect a pedophile.

White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt has accused Democrats of "selectively" leaking to the "liberal media" only emails that "prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Donald Trump is a fucking child rapist."

RULE OF THUMB: Five-time draft dodgers should shut the fuck up on Veterans Day.

This Veterans Day it is important to remember that Donald Trump is doing everything in his power to keep veterans from receiving their SNAP food benefits.

"I promise there will be a vote in December to extend healthcare subsidies. I mean it this time."

Football fans booing Donald Trump should be the new national anthem.

Women have ruined the workplace for mediocre men who have to rationalize over and over again the promotion of other mediocre men.

In Donald Trump's dreams, he is eating Big Macs on Air Force One and flying to Epstein's rape Island with Ivanka, who is wearing Erika Kirk's leather pants.

HE. DOESN'T. GIVE. A. FUCK. ABOUT. ANYONE. BUT. HIMSELF.

As Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi knew her shit, didn't take any shit, and had her shit together. Mike Johnson, on the other hand, is full of shit, doesn't do shit, and is scared shitless of Trump.

PREDICTION: Donald Trump's grave will be America's busiest gender neutral bathroom.

REMEMBER: The same people who think democratic socialists are communists think Donald Trump is a Christian.

Democrats: "We don't think hard-working people should go bankrupt paying their medical bills just to give tax cuts to billionaires." Republicans: "Then we're at an impasse."

Republican Jesus: "If you can't afford loaves and fishes, get a job, deadbeat."

Lauren Boebert on Halloween morning: "What can I do to reassure my voters that I am racist garbage?"

SOME FRIENDLY ADVICE: Limit the amount of time and energy you spend countering MAGA claims with facts. If facts mattered to them, they wouldn't be MAGA.

Happy Halloween to decent people who pretend to be monsters once a year, not monsters who pretend to be decent people.

DID YOU KNOW? Adam and Eve started wearing fig leaves because Nancy Mace wouldn't stop checking their junk.

"The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command." - George Orwell, 1984

TOP 5 FACTS ABOUT TARIFFS 1. They're paid by Americans. 2. They're paid by Americans. 3. They're paid by Americans. 4. They're paid by Americans. 5. They're paid by Americans.

Republican: "Where is your evidence that Donald Trump raped children?" Me: "Release the Epstein files." Republican: "No! Then you'd have evidence that Donald Trump raped children."

"If Obama demolished an entire wing of the White House, sent federal forces to terrorize Americans, pardoned his crooked business partners, and sexually assaulted children, would you even care?" - MAGA Republicans, who think everyone is in a cult just because they are

Imagine thinking people are this gullible and imagine being right.

If all it took was trans people existing to turn you into a Nazi, you were already a Nazi.

The same people who obsessed over a tan suit, a private email server, a boisterous laugh, and an autopen are strangely indifferent to the likelihood that their president raped children.

BELOW: When destroying a rose garden isn't symbolic enough.

Some MAGA aren't waiting for Trump to be king to start bowing.

Even with an abysmal 37% approval rating overall, Donald Trump is still popular with morons, idiots, nincompoops, imbeciles, dingbats, birdbrains, dunderheads, numskulls, nitwits, doofuses, twits, clods, dolts, oafs, schmucks, schnooks, stupid people, and Republicans.

In Chicago, the consensus is "fuck Trump."

Before there were No Kings protests, there was a No Democracy riot.

DID YOU KNOW: Wonder Woman is so powerful because she comes from an island where healthcare laws aren't written by men.

REPUBLICAN HEALTHCARE PLAN If you're poor, don't get sick. If you're sick, don't get poor.

This Indigenous Peoples' Day, let's send ICE back where it came from.

Joe Biden didn't become president until January 20, while Donald Trump has been a demented turd walrus since birth.

SUPER DUPER MEGA FUN FACT: Jesse Ventura, Hunter Biden, Tonya Harding, the road manager for Gwar, Doug the Pug, every member of Gwar, the Hawk Tuah girl, herpes, and Joe Piscopo will all receive Nobel Peace Prizes before Donald Trump.

BELOW: Donald Trump beta tests a new video game designed to his specifications where, if you send your military to attack enough of your own citizens, you win a Nobel Peace Prize.

If "never leave your drink unattended" were a person.

PHOTO: Donald Trump reacts to Benjamin Netanyahu's refusal to use his space lasers to blast Portland.

Fascism is what happens when you're making other plans.

Schools were not forcing kids to have transgender surgery. Babies were not being aborted after they were born. Migrants were not crossing the border to vote for Kamala Harris. Donald Trump is a pathological liar and, if you believed this shit, you are a pathological dumbass.

Nothing excites Republicans quite like the exhilarating combination of racism and cruelty.

If Donald Trump wants a prize for peace he should go the fuck away and give us some peace.

Hitler never did his own dirty work either.

SHOWN: If the speech at the beginning of Patton were given by Biff from Back to the Future.

It's the Trump Senate. It's the Trump House. It's the Trump shutdown.

BELOW: House Speaker Mike Johnson displays a level of joyous exuberance that Republicans only experience when voting to take healthcare away from old people.

PHOTO: US military generals listening to Pete Hegseth and fantasizing about what they'd do if they could get him on an obstacle course.