BREAKING: Attendance at Trump-Kennedy Center down 600 percent.

I forgot to make a New Year's resolution, so don't expect any improvement in 2026.

If snorting cocaine off a bus station restroom floor were a person.

BELOW: The only musicians willing to perform at the Trump-Kennedy Center.

Normal widows: "I miss my husband." Erika Kirk:

SHOWN: 2025 in a photo.

2025 was the Year of the Comeback, especially for skinny jeans, measles, Nazis, and economic depression.

Republicans are in charge of the Senate. Republicans are in charge of the House. Republicans are in charge of the Presidency. Republicans are in charge of the Supreme Court. Republicans are to blame for everything.

BELOW: Donald Trump wishes everyone a Merry Strokemas and a Droopy New Year.

BREAKING: Democrats have raised the stakes in their war against Christmas by saying "Merry Christmas" like they always fucking have.

Merry Christmas to everyone whose joy isn't heightened by the misery of others.

HOLIDAY FILM IDEA: It's a Wonderful Life, but with an angel showing Donald Trump how much better off everyone would be if he had never been born.

Russell Brand: "Praise Jesus." Jesus: "Fuck off, rapist."

Thanks to Trump supporters, Santa Claus had to create three lists this year: naughty, nice, and too stupid to know the difference.

I miss the good old days when I didn't know Charlie Kirk was married.

Rated X for scenes of Melania Trump earning her Einstein visa.

Republicans: "How do you know it's Trump?"

BREAKING: At Donald Trump's direction, the USA will be renamed the United States of Trump, the Mississippi River will be the Trump River, Florida will be Trumpida, the Constitution will be Trump Toilet Paper, and the Republican Party will be Gutless Chickenshits for Trump.

I wouldn't expect my widow to become a recluse but I wouldn't expect fireworks either.

"Hold off on releasing the files that exonerate me." - no innocent person ever

FACT: Thanks to gender-affirming care, Donald Trump Jr. can snort cocaine off his own tits.

"They're renaming my center after fucking who?"

"My husband blames his chronic erectile dysfunction on Joe Biden. If it's true, thank you, Joe Biden."

BREAKING: Erika Kirk was rushed to the hospital after scratching her cornea with three Super Bowl rings.

At this point, Donald Trump is more likely to have a degenerative disease named after him than a ballroom.

If only there'd been some indication that Trump was garbage.

BREAKING: Donald Trump to sue Rob Reiner for making him act like an asshole.

There is nothing more temporary than the new low Donald Trump reaches every day.

"The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command." - George Orwell, 1984

If the idea of Jeffrey Epstein hanging out with Woody Allen doesn't make your skin crawl, it's on too tight.

Destroying democracy is exhausting.

UNFUN FACT: Republicans have always sent their worst to Washington, but their worst keeps getting worse.

Erika Kirk is criticizing her fellow MAGA for making money off her husband's memory before she had a chance to.

According to a recent poll, fuck Trump.

Donald Trump is back to using rallies to campaign for a job he already has but can't do.

Donald Trump: "I'm going to raise tariffs and make everything more expensive for no reason." MAGA: "I can't afford to support my family because Joe Biden made schoolchildren trans."

After declining for 25 years, child mortality rates from preventable diseases are projected to increase next year. I wonder what has changed.

You keep the Christ in Christmas and I'll keep the God in Godzilla.

I think more about John Lennon being shot than Charlie Kirk and that was 45 years ago.

There is nothing less rock and roll than kissing a despot's ass.

Santa Claus: "If your Christmas photo has your family holding guns, I'm not coming down your fucking chimney."

BREAKING: J6 pipe bomb suspect is a Trump supporter, also sun is hot and water is wet.

It turns out Donald Trump doesn't need a pandemic to destroy the economy.

There was a time in American history when traitors would have something other than phony medals placed around their necks.

Checks and balances have been replaced with ass-kissing and ball-gargling.

Jobs = down. Prices = up. Wages = flat. Trump = asleep.

Matt Gaetz: rapist, sex trafficker, illegal drug user, drunk driver, White House approved Pentagon reporter.

Wake up, asshole. If I don't get to sleep through your presidency, you don't.

BREAKING: The White House IT department has installed an app on Donald Trump's phone that allows him to pardon notorious drug traffickers with a single click.

To say Donald Trump is in cognitive decline is to suggest he had a cognitive in the first place.