DID YOU KNOW? The Secret Service code for Donald Trump choking on a Big Mac is "I'm Lovin' It."

Refusing to release the Epstein files because they incriminate Donald Trump is exactly what a Deep State would do.

Some people think it's wrong to speak ill of the dead, so while he's still alive, let's all agree that Donald Trump is shit wrapped in skin.

Republicans: "Donald Trump is the healthiest president in history." Also Republicans: "We demand a criminal investigation into who made Donald Trump walk up a flight of stairs."

Donald Trump falsely claimed that Hepatitis B can only be transmitted through sexual activity and, as a result, children don't need to be vaccinated against it until they're 12 years old. Speaking of sexual activity and 12-year-olds, Donald Trump is in the Epstein files.

If you take medical advice from these guys, the species will be stronger without you.

Today's Republican Party is almost completely defined by how far they'll go to protect a pedophile.

THE PEOPLE TELLING PREGNANT WOMEN NOT TO TAKE TYLENOL Donald Trump: prescription drug addict. Pete Hegseth: alcoholic. Robert F. Kennedy Jr.: heroin addict. JD Vance: just fucking weird.

SHOWN: The top 6 reasons why you can't trust the Supreme Court.

If "never leave your drink unattended" were a person.

BELOW: When you make the village idiot the town doctor.

Forced to improvise due to a failed United Nations teleprompter, Donald Trump opened his drool-spattered lie hole and sent Doritos-scented approximations of human speech flying like shrapnel from a shit grenade.

The concept of the Rapture is fundamentally flawed because an Earth without religious nuts would be Heaven.

EMERGENCY HEALTH ALERT FROM THE TRUMP WHITE HOUSE Reading the Epstein files causes autism.

"Tylenol bad." - Robert F. Kennedy Jr., heroin pig

Before his speech at Charlie Kirk's memorial, Donald Trump was in the Epstein files. During his speech at Charlie Kirk's memorial, Donald Trump was in the Epstein files. After his speech at Charlie Kirk's memorial, Donald Trump was in the Epstein files.

Instead of a moment of silence for Charlie Kirk, I will be observing a lifetime of speaking out against bigotry and fascism.

PHOTO: Republicans searching unsuccessfully for the balls to stand up to Trump.

Girl: "Grandpa, what did you do during Donald Trump's second presidential term?" Grandpa: "Well, sweetie, I wore a Charlie Kirk button, shared anti-trans memes on social media, and reported my neighbor's babysitter to ICE." Girl: *pulls plug*

I may disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Unless you're a white nationalist. You can die for that shit your own self.

When comedy is outlawed only outlaws will do comedy.

The free speech party is the quote Charlie Kirk and you'll lose your job party is the you can't make me vaccinate my child party is the we won't let you get an abortion party is the law and order party is the voted for a convicted felon and rapist party.

If you looked like this, you'd try to silence comedians too.

Rob Schneider makes me laugh every time he calls himself a comedian.

Irony died with Charlie.

This is the Golden Age of Lying Sacks of Shit.

Donald Trump should limit his international travel to countries where the language barrier makes it less obvious that he is a fucking moron.

The second Trump administration continues his legacy of finding the worst person for every job and giving it to them.

A Nazi would call this hate speech.

BREAKING: House Republicans are pushing a stopgap bill that will include $88 million in additional security to protect them from the violence they have been inciting.

If you can't tell the difference between hate speech and speaking against hate, you're probably a Republican.

The First Amendment is dying while the Second Amendment is killing us.

STRANGE BUT TRUE: Charlie Kirk's supporters are honoring his memory by attacking anyone who quotes Charlie Kirk.

Face it, MAGA, if your president's name weren't all over the Epstein files, they would have been released unredacted, printed, and bound in $500 special editions signed by Trump, recorded as an audio book by Mel Gibson, and tattooed on Laura Loomer's ass.

"Smart people don't like me." - Donald Trump, accidentally telling the truth

Roses are red, Violets are blue, Donald Trump raped children, Prove it's not true.

BREAKING: MAGA declares civil war against MAGA after MAGA assassinates MAGA.

Now can we go back to talking about how Donald Trump raped children?

BELOW: During an event at the Pentagon, Donald Trump honored the victims of 9/11 by flying both eyelids at half-staff.

I'm sorry, you big baby, was the story not about you for a second?

On this horrible day of senseless political violence it is important to remember that Donald Trump raped children.

REMINDER: Two days ago, Donald Trump was posting jokes about the attack on Nancy Pelosi's husband.

"That's not my signature." - guy who has shown us a hundred times that it is his signature

Trump: "Well, Vlad, I wrote this rapey birthday message to Jeffrey Epstein and now the press have it." Putin: "Fear not, my little Donald, I will send some distraction drones to Poland."

"But, Daddy, when I posed for that birthday card for Uncle Jeffrey, you told me nobody would see it."

BELOW: The first draft.

Donald Trump Jr.: "Did Dad ever give you a birthday card?"

Donald Trump and Jeffrey Epstein were like two peas in a pod, if by peas you mean pedophile rapists, and by pod you mean Epstein's rape island.

The middle school booger-eaters who couldn't get their baking soda volcanos to erupt are now in charge of science.

PHOTO: Donald Trump, looking like something that would stink up the break room if reheated in the microwave.