If he died today, it would be the greatest thing that ever happened on Easter.

Has anything ever looked less holy than Donald and Melania Trump standing in a church?

Dear Pam Bondi, Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Warmest regards, Me P.S. Ha ha ha fuck you.

There are a lot of countries that allow birthright citizenship, but there is only one stupid enough to make you president.

BELOW: Donald Trump, who plans to attend Supreme Court arguments on birthright citizenship, reminding Justice Kavanaugh that rapists stick together.

Is Kristi Noem going to shoot these puppies?

During this difficult time, please show as much compassion to Kristi Noem as she has shown to people of color.

At this point, Donald Trump is more likely to have a degenerative disease named after him than a ballroom.

Melania Trump did this to the White House rose garden so her husband couldn't bury her there.

According to a rumor I just started, Lauren Boebert is quitting Congress to spend more time with her son's parole officer.

SELF-CARE TIP: If you're not Rob Schneider, remind yourself that at least you're not Rob Schneider.

Schools were not forcing kids to have transgender surgery. Babies were not being aborted after they were born. Migrants were not crossing the border to vote for Kamala Harris. Donald Trump is a pathological liar and, if you believed this shit, you are a pathological dumbass.

BELOW: How Chicago feels about kings.

Before there were No Kings protests, there was a Yes Kings riot.

UNFUN FACT: Even if the Treasury Department printed Donald Trump's name on every bill for the next three years it wouldn't be as many times as it appears in the Epstein files.

Don't walk, run like fuck toward the light.

"This is exactly what I voted for." - MAGA who's about to lose their job, their house, their healthcare, and their Social Security

Republicans are in charge of the Senate. Republicans are in charge of the House. Republicans are in charge of the Presidency. Republicans are in charge of the Supreme Court. Republicans are to blame for everything.

Okay, you can put your masks back on.

"Frankly, I thought [the stock market] was going to go down much more. It's a big chess game at a very high level. It's very high-level chess. The highest. And I'm dealing with very smart players." - Donald Trump, who doesn't even know how the horsey piece moves

PREDICTION: Donald Trump's grave will be the world's busiest gender neutral bathroom.

Billionaires have always been this evil, but they haven't always been this mid.

BREAKING: Attacks on energy infrastructure in the Middle East have caused the price of oil to skyrocket to a whopping Donald Trump raped children per barrel.

BELOW: The face you make when being Netanyahu's bitch isn't any better than being Putin's bitch.

WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH THE GRASS I NEED HELP GETTING SOME SHIPS THROUGH THE STRAIT OF HORMUZ

In response to the Melania documentary's Oscar snub, MAGA actors Scott Baio, James Woods, Roseanne Barr, Kevin Sorbo, Tim Allen, Kristy Swanson, Randy Quaid, Dennis Quaid, Dean Cain, and Rob Schneider have offered to give the first lady their Academy Awards if they ever win them.

"Alexa, show me the last person you'd want in charge of the military during a war?"

If only there'd been some indication that Donald Trump was garbage.

"As a visionary, I know success is not born overnight but rather takes shape after a long and sometimes challenging process. Often alone at the top, I follow my passion, listen to my instinct, and always maintain a laser focus." - Melania Trump on whoring for a visa

TWO WEEKS AGO: "Groceries are expensive, but at least gas is cheap." TODAY:

FLASHBACK: Six years ago, Donald Trump didn't want to wear a mask because it would smudge his makeup, so the Republican Party helped him kill a million Americans.

Republicans in 2024: Gerrymandered districts, selectively closed polling places, purged voter rolls, eliminated mail-in ballots, shortened polling hours, weakened voting rights legislation, and packed the courts. Republicans in 2026: "Democrats are rigging our elections."

BREAKING: People with no legs walk and man with no brain speaks.

Pete Hegseth: "It won't be a forever war. Iran will eventually run out of school girls."

Lindsey Graham is what would happen if a Keebler elf had sex with a jar of spoiled mayonnaise.

SUPER DUPER MEGA FUN FACT: If there is a Heaven, no one in this photo will ever see it.

Putin: "I'm giving Iran military intelligence so they can target U.S. troops. Is that okay with you, bitch?"

Dear Kristi Noem, Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Warmest regards, Me P.S. Ha ha ha fuck you.

Kristi Noem is about to go from being the stupidest person in Trump's cabinet to being the stupidest person not in Trump's cabinet.

FRIENDLY ADVICE: Live your life so that if a rash appears on your neck millions of people don't publicly wish for your death.

I look forward to speaking ill of the dead.

Trump: "Don't worry about me, Jeffrey. If it looks like I might get caught I'll murder you and bomb Iran."

Has anyone told the spray-tanned shit walrus that there's no such thing as a Nobel War Prize?

Donald Trump: "There will be no new wars." Republicans: "Yay!" Donald Trump: "There will be many, many new wars." Republicans: "Yay!"

For their next trick, Donald Trump will deliver the State of the Union address while Vladimir Putin drinks a glass of water.

If you must drive in snowy conditions, please remember that Donald Trump raped children.

MAGA doesn't care if Donald Trump destroys the economy as long as he destroys the economy while being racist.

If you take over a social media platform for the purpose of creating a safe space for white nationalism, you're not a free speech hero, you're a white nationalist.

Women would smile more if men would go fuck themselves more.

SHOWN: A banner on the U.S. Department of Justice building reads "Make America Safe Again" with an image of America's greatest danger.