Setting up a high end fishing apparel store, calling it Da Peche Mode *slam dunks my phone into a lake

Pro Tip: Never give up!!! It’s never too late!* *Unless, of course, it’s obviously way too late. Then you should probably just quit.

VOICEOVER: are you tired of ME: absolutely

crazy time for a trip to the moon considering gas prices right now

You lost me at we should hang out sometime

walton goggins looks like james marsden on a roller coaster

stupid teeth none of my other bones need this much minty scrubbing

My friend asked my advice about dating a much younger gal, and I told him, "Bill Beli-check yourself before you Bill Beli-wreck yourself."

I’m sorry if I haven’t reached out, but my arms are busy hugging myself right now

bartenders make a living the old fashioned way

we’re just strangers standing in a long line there’s no need for chit chat

“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”

*flicking a lit cigarette* im not like other Muppet babies

Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.

*pressing my ear to the asphalt* A Blockbuster once stood here…

This meeting could’ve been a sticky-note.

I don't want to say I was poor growing up, but the Adidas my mom got me had four stripes.

Cop: any drugs in the car? Me: not anymore

Terrifying if literal: a headbutt

things are great—unless you need to travel or eat and stuff.

When I drink during a full moon I turn into an unawarewolf

*counting all my cookies like scrooge mcduck stacking gold coins*

when your pants want to give you a wether’s original and tell you about WWII:

I'm 34% cold brew and 87% antihistamines

[trying to control my portions] hahaha whos walking who right

Who among us doesn't want bolder brows?

You know you ordered way too much fucking food for yourself when the Chinese restaurant gives you four fortune cookies.

as a man i can confidently say that we all look so dumb when we mosey through a room

DR MARIO: you have a tumor ME: i have two more what

many don’t know that the phrase “have a good one” is referring to a hot dog

you should be able to power wash memories out of your head

if you see me quoting Wham! songs, no you didn’t. that was so last christmas

making a break for it (soul leaves body)

it’s just too many dalmatians tbh

I don't understand why everyone is so stupid but it's exhausting

Lassoing some fellas and bros for my dude ranch

Why blame yourself when you can blame the bossa nova?

me: *loving my new olive oil soap* every mosquito outside: I'm now on a Mediterranean diet

After any painter dies: Hey guys, uhh, this one is kinda cool.

[to the doctor] ok and what do I win if I have the highest blood pressure?

Eating a low-calorie, high-protein diet is the worst combination of wishing you could eat while simultaneously wishing you could stop

For once, I want to hear one of these true crime stories open with the victim's friend describing her like, "Honestly, she was sort of an asshole but, still, we shouldn't murder people. If it was Carl, I get it."

I’m embarrassed to admit this but I stopped the music, believing, and thinking about tomorrow

I open Netflix like a refrigerator, not looking for anything specific but with the hope of finding something that fills the void.

Shitposter’s Prayer: Lord grant me the wisdom to know that my quote post adds nothing to the joke

hallmark movie idea: girl takes medical leave from job to avoid a mental breakdown and falls in love (with herself)

I’m a honey bee in the streets and a murder hornet in the sheets.

I just want someone who will stand next to me while we eat over the sink