I don't care for a flaccid grape.

Why did they call them famous brand ambassadors and not 'sellebrities'

Eating cereal out of a geode (all the dishes are dirty)

[giraffe escapes enclosure in Texas] 911: Ma’am, we’re gonna need a description. Keeper: It’s a fuckin’ giraffe.

“It’s spelled E-N-T-R-E-P-R-E-N-E-U-R, your honor,” she said at sentencing, or should have cbs12.com/news/local/f...

TikTok brainrot got me starting my presentations like this: “I discovered the secret behind June’s miserable results and I'm honestly shocked more people aren't talking about it. Let's get into it.”

On the one hand, there's a ton of things I need to get done. On the other hand, I'm not going to do any of them.

*going up to someone losing their shit at the store* hey, are we moots on bsky?

I have (glancing nervously over my shoulder) absolutely no regrets

all of my best friends are strangers on the internet

Weird how I can eat twice as much pizza if I’m at home

went from instant oatmeal to overnight oats feels like we’re going backwards oatwise

not saying my eyesight was bad, but I got glasses today and just realized I live in California

[to nobody] it's pretty fitting that there's one i in 'single'

I bet MC Escher fuckin loved Etch-a-Sketch

sipping broth is just la croix for soup

When I switched email providers, a few people asked, “what if someone needs to get in touch with you and they only have your old email?” My brother in Christ if an email account I created 20 years ago is your only method of reaching me I promise you it is because I never want to hear from you again

Utility company website: Are you a robot? Me: No, but if there are robots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.

All my dishes are served cold because I'm on a strict revengetarian diet.

I sleep on my side to give ghosts the option of little or big spoon

An Uber/Doordash type service, except they show up and fold all your laundry after it’s dry

totally forgot to leave a plate of thermostats out for all the dads last night.

happy national tong click clack day

Sorry I tried to write something sexy for you and it ended up being about a Costco sheet cake.

when i die i want everyone to make up their own cause of death and read it aloud at my funeral

Whoa, I'm half way there Whoa oh, cuttin' my own hair

Never describe a girl as "Husky."

My Bavarian clock chimes. A little wooden head pops out and shouts SNACKS

Trying to get my house haunted because ghosts are cold and A/C is expensive.

1991: fighting with five siblings for use of a single landline 2025: we all refuse to answer our cell phones

I don't always contradict myself when trying to make a point, but when I do I don't.

Doctor: how would you describe your symptoms? Me: pain Doctor: can you be more specific? Me: ouchies

Any person who walks into a supermarket and only buys a single piece of fruit should be investigated

buying Dollar General to rebrand as DGen

I'm a lot like Vincent Van Gogh if he had two ears and couldn't paint.

*rolling off curb into gutter* “one day, son, all of this will be yours”

i’m no financial expert, but it looks to me like they’re organizing a hedge fund

it was then i realized: perhaps the real scaffolding was the friends we made along the way

i imagine a difficult aspect of being a Bigfoot conspiracy theorist is that every time your dog goes and looks out the window you probably have to go and look out the window too- could be Bigfoot out there

Listen. Life is short. Take the vacation. Eat the dessert. Dress like an elderly British woman to defy custody laws and see your kids. Get the guacamole yes I know it’s extra. Be extra.

I saw a guy rip open a box at the grocery store and shove a handful of frozen chicken nuggets into his pocket, so I guess my life is ok.

I assume that when rival British gangs have a conflict, they resolve it with a bake off.

Going to urgent care is like paying $40 to have someone else google your symptoms

everything is a joke but nothing is funny anymore

what if I can’t believe it’s not butter was really butter this whole time what then

THEM: Do you have any animal allergies? ME: When needed.

get in loser ~me to my gynecologist

I had one of those vibrating pens from KB Toys in the 90s, so I’m pretty sure I could do tattoos.

WIFE: *scrolling Facebook* Omg there's an ostrich missing from the zoo ME: *barely audible* Lostrich HER: Get out!

Any bar can be a dive-bar if you fall through the skylight