Lassoing some fellas and bros for my dude ranch

Why blame yourself when you can blame the bossa nova?

me: *loving my new olive oil soap* every mosquito outside: I'm now on a Mediterranean diet

After any painter dies: Hey guys, uhh, this one is kinda cool.

[to the doctor] ok and what do I win if I have the highest blood pressure?

Eating a low-calorie, high-protein diet is the worst combination of wishing you could eat while simultaneously wishing you could stop

For once, I want to hear one of these true crime stories open with the victim's friend describing her like, "Honestly, she was sort of an asshole but, still, we shouldn't murder people. If it was Carl, I get it."

I’m embarrassed to admit this but I stopped the music, believing, and thinking about tomorrow

I open Netflix like a refrigerator, not looking for anything specific but with the hope of finding something that fills the void.

Shitposter’s Prayer: Lord grant me the wisdom to know that my quote post adds nothing to the joke

hallmark movie idea: girl takes medical leave from job to avoid a mental breakdown and falls in love (with herself)

I’m a honey bee in the streets and a murder hornet in the sheets.

I just want someone who will stand next to me while we eat over the sink

I’d look forward to going into work if the entrance had a giant slide.

Coworker: wanna see some baby pictures? Me, the proud parent of an asshole teenager: that’s ok, I know what they turn into

trying to hook my dad up with my wife's recently divorced mom to level up our step-sibling role play

Top Scarf-Associated Stevens/Stevies: 1. Nicks 2. Tyler

my blood type is boars head

me: hello i just saw a guy drinking ginger ale 911: (eyes narrowing) was he on a plane me: sir he was not [alarms sound in the distance]

Doctor: Your wrist pain is from repetitive motion. Can you stop doing it at work? [Cut to me doing the jerkoff gesture thru every conference call] Me: Sadly, no

You never realize how badly someone treated you until you try to explain it to someone else.

IS IT CAKE? …I say biting her butt.

[waiter brings my sandwich] ME: how am I supposed to club a turkey with this?

I post for everyone who always has to refill their own ice cube trays. Sisters doin’ it for ourselves.

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread. Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

are they still considered intrusive thoughts if your brain seemingly lays out the red carpet for them

drawing two lines on the left side of my phone and scrolling to see what u would all look like with a mustache i am sooo behind at work

DATE: I have to be home before midnight tonight. ME: Ok Tinderella HER: What? ME: What?

I wish dread burned more calories.

Me: *holding up my lightsaber Passport photographer: No

Irish stereotypes not only shame you, they Seamus all.

Kale is the BDSM of lettuce

pigeon: coo homing pigeon: we should get more throw pillows

I'm old enough to know bitter.

[during sex] *you’re

*gets hit by a smart car* stop, that tickles

I like how people say "manage your depression" like it's a stock portfolio but you're heavily invested in sadness

kindergarten cop is my favorite movie about busting a five-year old for being a drug lord

Crap, I forgot why I came in here. Boss: This is where you work.

caviar dreams/food court lifestyle

Hey that's my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!

Just went to a restaurant with communal seating—nothing like paying good money to relive the social anxiety of high school lunch tables.

me: ummm can I get a cheeseburger with extra pickles, fries, and a coke with light ice? balloon animal guy: what

After 1 am, every Arby’s parking lot becomes international waters.

Turn a Waffle House into a Waffle Home by lighting your waitress’s cigarette.

[takes long drag off cigarette then tosses it] i remember when i was a kid they used to have a type of news that didn’t kill you

You’re like if a roundabout was a person