holy moly. what a movie. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

😭😭😭 ugh, once again I’ve sweated my pasties off right in the middle of my “Yackety Sax” routine

FUN TV SHOW IDEA: “Haunted MILF Manor”

Having my colonoscopy done in IMAX format. Worth the extra $$$ imho

Nobody talks about out how hard it is to be silly right now

How many times can you be wrong about the rapture before people realize you’re wrong about everything?

That #alienearth finale was some unsatisfying horseshit

ugh, missed the rapture due to IBS

mark ruffalo's guy on hbo's TASK should be named "rick task"

opening a new novelty store called Big Fun that exclusively sells the following items: - giant scissors (for cutting the ribbon at grand openings) - giant bows (for putting on cars given as gifts) - giant checks (for grand prize winners) - giant foam cowboy hats (for partying your ass off)

thoroughly manscaped, exfoliated, purified, moisturized and fragranced with masculine fragrances (wet rocks, moss, sawdust, blacksmith forge smoke where swords are made, etc.)

Be careful about licking me. My sweat is 100% pure THC.

This is simply untenable. There is no way forward with media and political classes captured by the right. Every time someone commits a crime you have to pray it's not an undesirable or it's purge time, then when it turns out to be themselves again they just shrug and wait for the next one.

Update: Civil War cancelled due to shooter being demographically uncooperative

Seems like the creative team on #alienearth just wanted to make a show about robots and was preemptively bored with Xenomorphs as a monster?

Skyrizi sounds like something a youth would call a nice airplane

This is the way.

Just once I’d like to have a beautiful British lady ask me how many lumps I take in my tea and also offer me something called a “scrumpet”

So glad ICE is in Chicago. The city is a lawless hell-scape. Blues musicians wrecking hundreds of police cars. High schoolers doing weird scientific sex experiments. Kids home alone during the holidays. Women killing their husbands and lovers and then SINGING about it sassily. This has to stop.

what a humiliating way for don jr. to find out his dad sends birthday cards.

A corrupt court can only make a country more corrupt. Dissolve the Supreme Court.

heyyy girl, we should make spicy content* together *zesty-seasoning curly fries

tell your mom she gave me another cold sore

GUY CRASHING HIS MECH: Gundammit!

the way my dog barks at other dogs feels like he’s saying “HEY WHAT’S UP YOU ASSHOLES”

could you get some root beers for anybody who wants one? I don't want one

homies 4ever

The mustache rides are free (with ads)

Very disturbed that taking candy from babies was a prominent enough occurrence to warrant an idiom. Let the babies keep their candy, you evil bastards!

Hey internet, thanks for all these extreme closeups of Trump’s gross hands. I never wanted to eat again, anyway 🤢

THIS.

my dominatrix is so kinky and cruel. she made me drink orange juice right after brushing my teeth

Ugh, Cracker Barrel changed their logo?! Guess my full back tattoo is now obsolete 😭😭😭

SCIENCE FACT: the loudest sound in the world is 6 wine-buzzed ladies at a restaurant

🎂51 and ain’t havin’ no fun

Where in the world was Carmen Sandiego when the Westfold fell?

Accidentally inserted my library card into the ATM and was able to withdraw all 1,184 pages of Stephen King’s IT

Some days I wish I was Han Solo, other days I wish I was Conan the Barbarian. So please don’t come at me saying “men are simple creatures.” I’m very complicated!

when all you have is a Hammer every problem looks like parachute pants

ME [doing some online banking]: lol maybe I should change my name to Banksy

That Julie Hagerty from the Airplane movies sure had a head of hair on her, didn’t she?

Good morning Bluesky !

love it when she puts a blanket over my cage at night, very calming ❤️

albino squirrel sighting. is this lucky??? 🤞🥹

I made everyone on here friendship bracelets, FYI

when you propose things like universal free health care or universal basic income, some people will say "you can't just give people handouts!" and my response is why?

As a hardcore Alien fan I am thankful to have a big budget series to enjoy…. HOWEVER, the logic and style of storytelling so far is bonkers ridiculous 🤪

I don’t care what anybody says, I still think Carcharodon-Carcharias is beautiful name for a little newborn baby girl