seeing a lot of dad’s marked down 50% at the store this morning

*loading tater tots into a Nerf gun, for Science*

We live in a timeline where a U.S. President is aware of GWAR

“Memento Maury” is a great name for a little, old Jewish Goth man

Was not prepared for the brutal second half of the movie, Song Sung Blue. It’s listed as a love story, but this is Horror 😢

I want to move to NYC for the pizza and socialism

Why not enjoy a fun Summer jam today and also follow Stäggs on Spotify? ❤️ open.spotify.com/track/6EXU71...

i used to do stuff but now i just try to survive the things

Placing sensor-activated machine guns around the thermostat in honor of Father’s Day

adding to my vision board: *a harmonica that looks like real corn on the cob*

Oh my god. Honey, don't move.

I love not Man the less, but Nature more,

😢 Once again rejected by Shark Tank to pitch my pill that turns your semen green for St. Patrick’s Day

MILLENNIAL PAUL BUNYAN: *vaping with a locomotive engine*

*an app that tells you if the Strait of Hormuz is open at the minute*

Using the very sexy font Comic Sans for my book of Erotic Poetry

Michael Jackson will return in Avengers: Doomsday

New music out today from my little brother 🫶🏻 open.spotify.com/artist/5qxhu...

Coen Brothers-ass character

Feels so good to floss between my toes with my iPhone charging cable

That time someone said, "Oh you're one of those science is right idiots" to me and I just knew in their head they were actually using "your" and not "you're".

Have you tried faking your death and running away to live in a moss covered glade surrounded by gender ambiguous centaurs who are eager to please your every whim??

I should get a Nobel peace prize for the amount of people I could’ve/should’ve told to fuck off, today alone—but I restrained myself.

There are two feral donkeys inside me and they’re just kinda really angry and running in little circles.

Tucking myself in betwixt two voluptuous sheets of lasagna ✨

1st single “Welcome to San Junipero” out now. Please listen, share, and follow me on Spotify ⚡️🎧⚡️ open.spotify.com/track/6EXU71...

tried to create The Office today and a time traveler showed up from the future and shot me. I survived obviously but, message received!!

Getting slapped around by a mature woman with a proper English accent would fix me

I like to imagine the Greeks hiding inside the Trojan Horse were just stifling giggles the whole time, like junior high sleepover vibes

Trump turning the Reflecting Pool into an actual scum-covered swamp is a little too on the nose. The writers need to do better.

preacher at my funeral signals for everyone to put on their 3D glasses

As the government raids “antifa groups” in Minneapolis with the SAME charges levied against myself and the rest of the Broadview Six, we need to be asking how they got this indictment. And as charges (hopefully) get dropped, we must remember the process is the punishment.

You’re in her dms, I’m sitting on my race car bed making vroom vroom noises

1st single “Welcome to San Junipero” out now. Please listen, share, and follow me on Spotify ⚡️🎧⚡️ open.spotify.com/track/6EXU71...

front stoopin’ it. wish I had a big ol’ frosty Guinness 🍺

The vibe shift is upon us. Woke 9 has begun.

I will professionally clean your bellybutton for you with a Q-tip and rubbing alcohol. - me, flirting

Excited to announce that the 1st single from my album will be released on Tuesday (6/16) and the full album the following week (6/30). Also, proudly revealing the awesome artwork created by my hero, Manuel "El Stitch" Cetina. #Synthwave #HeavySynth #electronica

2 Girls, 1 World Cup Is this anything?

raiders of the lost ark was released 45 years ago today and was a movie that i would watch with my dad as a kid and had a definite impact on me to the point where I became obsessed with archeology and Egypt lol

Take moment to imagine the Balrog absolutely shredding on a giant Gibson Flying V

oh you’re telling me Susan Collins’ tattoos are squeaky clean??

ROBOCOP 2 (1990)

Excited to announce that the 1st single from my album will be released on Tuesday (6/16) and the full album the following week (6/30). Also, proudly revealing the awesome artwork created by my hero, Manuel "El Stitch" Cetina. #Synthwave #HeavySynth #electronica

I'd be the first guy to complain about a volcanic super-eruption that fills our atmosphere with sulfur and buries everything under meters of ash

I guess He-Man is just a big joke to everyone?! Have we lost all respect for one’s religious beliefs in this nation?!!?

Scientists have finally identified the Four Lokos: Length Loko Width Loko Height Loko Time Loko

People that bring blankets and their own popcorn seasonings to the movies didn’t get bullied enough as kids.