Anytime anyone is interested in me, I assume they just want to harvest my organs

what doesn’t kill you, texts you 6 months later

Sunday sunset. 🧡

I’m like if the “reject all cookies” button was a person.

I’m like if ‘fuck it send’ was a person.

I do all my posts while only wearing a sombrero.

the library is a magical place, you should go there

hot DILFs in your area have cargo pockets full of snacks

Stranger: a word for the wise- Me: oh I won’t be needing that

Me: I’ve been kicked out of shittier rehabs than this! Cashier: sir, this is a Wendy’s.

My ex is from Texas and trust me, not everything is bigger.

trying to even out the strings on my hoodie: a memoir

made the moon blush

My hibernation prep includes chips, soda, and a flame thrower to warn people to keep their distance.

What’s good bitches

Within a fortnight, you’ll have 3 (three) channels to choose from: Fox, The Gun Channel, and The Flag Channel. Every ad will be for boner pills

Don’t let your thoughts dive too deep, for there lies the fracture of your soul

If you hold off on a home project long enough, your needs change and it won't be necessary anymore. Follow me for more procrastinating hacks.

What are your weekend plans? 1. hiding & reading 2. sleeping & dreaming 3. working, unfortunately 4. managing cats & ennui

Hot milfs have the best snacks.

Elk Island National Park

Once you accept, truly in your heart, that the laundry is never done, then you will know peace.

can we actually ride out of the sunset? this is really hurting my retinas.

“that was so fucking dumb” -me after hitting send

Touch and go sounds nice.

do you also like things?

People get jealous when they see you thriving, but weren't around to see all the times you were left picking up the pieces

But are you actually single or are you "online" single?

The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.

Heard y’all like clouds

[At my performance review] Boss: please stop pushing my things off the desk like a cat.

Is that a gyro in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

i want a kiss that lasts 3 hours

Things I've noticed about anyone named Jules on a Netflix series: they're always cahooting

If I had $1 billion I wouldn’t have $1 billion because I’d be making sure people were fully clothed, fed and housed.

babe, I know you want some but just chill for a minute the AARP magazine came today I want to check in on the latest

A real man is just a guy doing shit like buying groceries. Those weird macho dudes in their power suits and watches and six cigars in their mouths standing next to a fancy sports car? I don't know what the fuck that's all about.

Sometimes people make your soul happy no matter how long you’ve known them. Treasure those people.

Stop fucking around and flirt with me ffs

Might try to get sent home from work early today for inappropriate skirt length.

The hubs told me today that when he was out in the yard some kid walked by with his dad and whispered (loudly ) to him, "That's where the witch lives." I couldn't be more delighted.

late night drive whilst we hold hands

"Let's go to bed" doesn't always mean sleep. In fact, that's rarely what I mean.

She's a 10, but she's not at all charmed by my extremely minimal talents.

men who think they look sexy in their socks and underwear are 100% wrong

The gym used to be more effective. For example, I used to go for about 6 weeks, achieve a complete reset and then be able to stop going until the next snug jeans crisis. Can't be that I'm now 45. Must be due to woke

if people keep asking you how you are try telling them how you really are and then maybe people will stop asking you how you are

Just had not one but two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches things are really heating up around here tonight