General strike includes jokes. We're seriousing today.

can i borrow like $12 real quick

canceling plans is okay. taking time off is okay. walking into a lake in a forest wearing ethereal white garments and floating suspended in the water while enya plays is okay. do whatever you need to cope

when life gives you lemons, use them to discover a secret message on the back of the declaration of independence

Norwegian death metal band The Udder Ones new album 𝘔𝘰𝘰𝘦𝘥 𝘔𝘶𝘴𝘪𝘤 drops next Friday, featuring the single “Pasture Prime.”

Home Depot Employee: how can I help you? Me: i don't know, my wife just pushed me out of the car and told me not to come home for a couple of hours HDE: I've seen this before, I'll show you where the other Bridgerton husbands are hanging out

excuse me? this home is a GOSH forsaken HECK hole young man

In my defense, I really didn't care about the consequences of my actions

a man sits in his 5th floor corner office, gazing longingly out the window. he sees the grace of a crow, as one lands to roost on the neighboring rooftop. "boy i wish i could fly" he thinks, watching the crow. similarly the crow, equally watching the man, swoops off thinking "boy i'm glad i can fly"

I walked two miles uphill in the icy sludge this morning just so I can honestly torture my children later

(boss pulling me aside) I need you to stop saying Lucky whenever anyone calls out sick

nice rice you’ve got there, be a real shame if a shrimp fried it

snowplow driver just stopped and took a few pictures of my cleared driveway, said he was going to take them back to hang up at the office

*plus in USB correctly on the first try* I Am The Chosen One

She was dazzling, like a laser pointer to the eyeballs.

My wife sustained an eye injury and now all my dad jokes cause her physical pain

Me: I'm not gonna post again until I think of something to say that's truly groundbreaking Me 5 minutes later: a toaster is just a tanning bed for bagels

i am all for Take Your Kids To Work day but, the bear that i am being mauled by right now keeps pausing so her cubs can take a few shots at me too i mean come on

Shakespeare: “The pound of flesh which I demand of him is dearly bought; 'tis mine, and I will have it.” Me taking notes: 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘢 𝘱𝘪𝘦𝘤𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘦?

Practicing ventriloquism in the morgue has its perks

Me: *𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘷𝘰𝘪𝘥* Her: I can’t believe you’re my gynecologist.

sweet jesus implies savory satan and umami buddha

(Me through the decades) 80s: the 80s suck! 90s: the 80s sucked but the 90s kinda rule 2000s: the 2000s kinda suck 2020s: how is it that I actually miss the 80s

The older I get, the more I'm bewildered by human communication. Anyway, put the money in the bag.

The pill I use every hour to control my appetite requires me to take it with food.

recipe for flourless brownies, actually no-bake flourless brownies, actually instant no ingredients brownies, actually can make while driving a car brownies

w/ no more good movie theaters, I fear it is time for Hollywood to come to an end, we had a lot of fun and made a lot of Air Buds

Muppet an R rated movie One Fraggle After Another

The guy across the aisle is talking on the phone loudly and non-stop like he's the only one on the plane and I figure this gives me license to fart in the same manner

wtf

Sorry, but if you call my password weak I'm not going to tell you where the traffic lights are

I don't know who needs to hear this, but walk right up to the two way mirror and whisper "I am enough, and no one can tell me otherwise"

It's important to choose joy so I got a new shower curtain

My hobbies include leaving my wife on read when she texts me from the couch right next to me

at my bankruptcy hearing, i slide a note across the table to the judge that says ‘can i have a sip of your coke?’

So little is happening but it is happening very loudly

I think it's time, in the course of my Being a Southern White Woman career, where I take on a ridiculous nickname. Probably well past time that I become Ouiser or Boots or Bundle or Tipper or Old Whoremouth

Gandalf's "a wizard is never late, nor is he early" and Kesha's "Now, the party don't start 'til I walk in" are essentially the same sentiment

[Flirtily] wanna engage in some self destructive behaviors my therapist would hate?

remember the alamo, the alacurly and alalarry

this is how democracy dies. with a

"Stairs" should be a curse word

Her: Let's go for a walk Him: Can't, uh, baseball's on Her: Baseball in January? Him: Winter baseball. They use a snowball Her: You could've just said no Him: When they slide into home they use a sled Her: *leaves* Him: *yelling* The dugout literally needs to be dug out!

I'm trying to teach my 7th grader to use deodorant. You have a sourdough starter that your ex-roommate abandoned and you have nicknamed "Kyle" But sure, we're both parents

NOBODY has the confidence of the guy at the urinal with both hands on his hips

Exit lines I expect I'll be using in 2026: 1. I simply must go, l left my squirrel army unattended. 2. Oh how charming! Unfortunately, I'm already fully enchanted. 3. Goodness, is that the time? Is time still even a function of reality? 4. Yeah, I think we're done here, prick biscuit.

I am at the point in the course of supervising a birthday party full of seven year olds where I yearn for death, that's how bad my daily anxiety is

vegans will act all morally superior and then turn around and eat a baby carrot