You must read the replies.

One part of the economy is improving

I can name every type of car

Trying my hardest not to

Last night I had the option to hand out candy or turn off all the lights and hoard. I stand by my decision.

Another tiny, entitled vampire tonight for Halloween. He didn't even bother with a compelling argument for the candy, just shook his bag at me like a tiny, silent landlord collecting rent.

Lost another fight with my stove clock

i think a funny thing to ask a guy named charles when he's barfing is WHATS UP CHUCK and also another funny thing is

Stop pumpkining cookies

My War on Christmas until December First has begun

me: *typing in my symptoms* webMD: GO INTO THE LIGHT

Hard to know when someone is hitchhiking or just like really supportive

Never thought I'd have to pass a "no sea shanties before 8 am" rule. But here we are

House hunting tip: Never approach them from upwind. They can smell your fear.

I don’t understand why people hire plumbers for small repairs; it’s only taken me $40, 3 trips to Home Depot, the unnecessary replacement of one perfectly fine part, and I’m 85% sure I’ll have this figured out by next week

When I say it's the least I could do, rest assured the least I could do is actually nothing

So I ran my mouth 100 days ago

You all said I was crazy when I started learning how to throw my voice like a ventriloquist, but look who's laughing now C'mon, look

(while they’re getting away with it) you won’t get away with this

(entire life is in shambles) hey can i give you some advice

sorry im late, my car..[forgets the word for towed] got arrested

hello 911? i was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked and i have no idea where i am

i am now a marvel villain

Roses are red Pumpkins are orange Poems are stupid

As you go to work today to start another week, it may help to remember that Skeletor was often thwarted by his own inept henchman too

[after reading exactly one work email] i am going to go lie face down in the parking lot

get you a man who has the word “cromulent” in his vocabulary

Can't babe, I need to go ask the mechanic what these emojis on my dashboard mean.

I’ve met junkies less desperate for a fix than my kid when he runs out of screen time

It's that time of year where we are reminded that the only people on the planet who like candy corn are those who are pure of heart and god's favorite angels on earth

ME [bagpipes]: I think I’m dying DOCTOR [slide whistle]: we all are

Wonder how many days after Snow White moved out before a dwarf chucked a whistling squirrel doing dishes through an open window

I'm not passionate about sporps but I'm vaguely pleased that our batch of non-Canadian sporpsball mercenaries out-sporpsed the other city's sporpsball mercenaries

My grandma used to drink and mutter to herself in the kitchen. That is not what I am doing right now. I’m in the living room.

Attended a New Parent Class and failed because I learned to swaddle at Chipotle and I tuck in both ends

The existence of Jolly Ranchers implies the existence of Catatonic Businessmen

Looking up at the magnificence of the starry night sky makes me realize how insignificant all the screams for me to put pants on really are.

trick-or-treaters don’t know this rn but they’ll be helping me clean out my pantry and freezer

Looking for feedback on how I can improve my posts

Calm down shouty man, this isn't my toddler's first neck tattoo.

trying to cheer up the live lobsters in the lobster tank by loudly singing rock lobster

Hello. While much of what's happening on earth currently sucks ass, if you're trying to treat people well and do good things, thanks. I appreciate it. This too shall pass

𝘚𝘦𝘭𝘧 help? If I could do that I wouldn’t need all of you.

My husband hates when I wear wooden clogs in the house but I told him this is as close as he will ever be to having a tall, attractive Dutch wife and also I apologized because it's still nothing like that

I’ve realized that I’m only capable of being five things to women -Like a brother -second ex-husband -spellcheck -source of knowledge about the short history of the baconator -guy who’s got their nose.

The Machine Uprising is on hold for another week or so. You guys owe me one

I'm very much like a superhero in that I too enjoy wearing my undergarments on the outside

Seeing a bat is so exciting even more so when it flies out of your underpants