This is basically how I hacked into a classmate's math quiz site in 6th grade and changed a bunch of her answers so she failed. In my defense, she had bullied me for months and I finally hit my breaking point.

MAGA seeing this, after their dear leader has signed EOs controlling every single thing Stephen Miller's ugly fuck face could think of to make our lives miserable: "can he even DO THAT? Parents should get to decide It's parent's [sic] choice what happened to parent's [sic again] deciding bedtime"

Stalking the page of the vibey hangout spot near my sister's house at the beach, hoping they'll post more pics of the insanely attractive man that started a conversation about dogs and llamas with me the other weekend.

Forgot how good these ladies look in a halter top.

Niece- wow look how many followers you have!! Me- look how it changed my life! N- ..... it hasn't..?? M- exactly. Read books.

Every single one of these schools is going to ask these grads for money in the fall and I for one am excited to see the creative ways they respond to those requests.

Said I would make poutine to honour our fallen comrades (Les Habs) and I did, but with a Greek twist.

Previous presidents did not require cognitive tests because they were not showing signs of severe cognitive decline like you are you crazy fuck.

found a sticker

I was ignoring all previous instructions before it was cool.

Things I'd rather hold than a guy's hand - a fat pigeon - a grudge - a warm towel - an animal's paw - my breath

I thought this was a problem mostly on Twitter/FB but JESUS CHRIST THE COMMENTS. It's bipartisan bc it's being introduced by both a GOP and Dem member. And before we vilify Dems who haven't signed on yet, there's NO TEXT to this bill yet. Politicians are famous for using bills like this to hide👇

At my age, ‘getting lucky’ means finding my car in the parking lot on the first try.

I was promised flying cars, not a biblical reckoning.

At my age, my idea of “meal prep” is arranging my pill organizer for the week.

I don’t have regrets. I have a collection of poor decisions that I’ve rebranded as “life lessons.

The problem is that “I am often scared and angry about social change” does not inherently lend itself to interesting art. You can be as technically skilled as the greats, but art with nothing interesting to say is just a commodity.

20 years doesn't sound like that much, but the group chat is on fire tonight (we've been through 4 marriages, 2 weddings, a divorce, two cancers now in remission, a brain surgery, an entire career military deployment, 7 kids that include a fresh HS graduate, two jr hockey players, countless moves)🌀

Okay Miller and his baby getting covered up by a giant GFL logo feels like the worst kind of capitalism.

Everyone in Raleigh is texting their friends to open their Chick Fil A app don't hate us #SoundtheSiren

Remember when everyone was eating Tide Pods and we thought the world couldn't get any stupider?

It's like meeting the man of your dreams when all you need is a knife

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is such a weird insult to lob. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have WIFI & data plans.

THE HAMMER IS DOWN, MY BOYS

Forgot how good I look in a black tank top.

My alt has friends of its own now. That's what I accomplished here this week. How did you do?

I wish I loved anything as much as 11yo boys loved letting flies into my house.

If your brain had a guest room, I’d come visit.

There's a first time for everything lol

I ventured to the bad site and what actually happened is so amazing. This ratioed Miller so hard it's not even funny, then his wife "outed" the account runner as "30, unmarried, no children, miserable" and the account runner quoted Katie w/ a pic of herself in a wedding dress and captioned it

All the Habs fans shouting "ref you suck" which one of those dirty head shots did you miss from Anderson? Because he hit 3 different people before he finally got called for it.

Raising him right

The air in North Carolina feels like someone took a still wet blanket out of the dryer and hung it over us.

Circumcision Tylenol

I'd like to propose that we drain all of Sam Altman's blood and then offer to sell it back to him at cost.

What if taxing the rich works?

sorry I seem distracted just have to keep checking my phone to see if one of my freedoms is being arbitrarily taken away

*PREVIOUSLY ON* my attention span…

when I see a Tesla

We can’t afford healthcare

Yeah they call me the “love machine” [because I’m REALLY bad at tennis]

Running around at night, hitting looksmaxxers with hammers like god intended

You can tell how much I liked you by how long I keep trying after I know you've lost interest in me.

much like stormtroopers, the White House is the bad guy with zero aim and a lot of monologuing

It is not enough to be cruel, one must also commit economic suicide

cavs fans today:

I love this team. Different line doing the work every single night.

Took a 2 hour nap this afternoon, guess I was expecting this game to hit OT.

I rushed to ICE detention center Delaney Hall yesterday when I heard detainees began a hunger strike. Here’s what I saw: THREAD

This photo of Andy Kim in the moments before ICE gassed everyone at Delaney Hall is going into the history books. We need more of this from our electeds.