I've been blocking every political post and there's nothing left but you 😍

It's snowing and I'm settled in, no more doing things please

I’d have to be pretty turdrunken to eat a turducken

Happy Thanksgiving ya turkeys

I went golfing today and the old grumpy guy in the pro shop was watching beavis and butthead

i mean whiskey is prob the only way i’ll tango or foxtrot tbh.

When your cat is sitting on you, all regal like the king claimed his land. Try to overthrow the king, I dare you.

folks, this is your captain speaking with an update on our arrival: air traffic control has gone home and they have rolled up the runways. the runways are gone. they were mats the whole time. but I want you all to know that it’s ok. to be white

Is it OK for me, a non-NYC person, to not care who is mayor there? It's fine to feel this way? All this debate makes me feel guilty.

using the extra hour to yearn

Toronto, you will not taste victory until you sacrifice Drake

Go jays

They're going to change the clocks this weekend and the president is powerless to stop it. Because he's weak and a loser. That's what they're saying sir

Perfect body shape for a minion

Cheating on an exam by memorizing everything the professor taught in advance so I can easily answer all the questions

your god can’t save you now

🥳🎂

A large group of strangers is called a nightmare.

they should call it a wordtionary

[pulled over] DOG COP: you ran a gray light DOG DRIVER: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection DOG COP: no it was gray

Went with the kid and haggled over pullet prices

Logged out of my facebook app after falling for and clicking 5 sora videos on a row.

Hate getting my hairs cut at great clips again instead of the cool local barber, but I'll be damned of it isn't convenient to go on a sunday

Went golfing... AGAIN

Fill in the blanks with what comes to mind first She folded up her fears like _______ and _______

Put down the phone, stupid boy, and quit working

I stood up for myself today

It's weird to be surrounded by people and feel lonely? Maybe I need a hobby or something.

Drank 32oz of orange fanta and currently having regrets

Took the afternoon off

ai doesn't create and the executives who value their creative people will be the most successful long term

Picnic with a buddy

Stopped for gas and a gatorade in a wealthy neighborhood and the clerk said to me "That's a nice timepiece on your wrist. It's beautiful." In my neighborhood they don't even smile.

I put my head back, crack my neck Baby, how you feelin'? (Feelin' good as hell)

laughing is my friggin favorite. just honking out insane noises to express joy, unreal.

AHHHH!

Just did vacation dishes

Finally have a minute to check bluesky

I never believed it was butter

Phone: Alarm set for 3 hours and 21 minutes from now Me: ah shit

I often say that living well is the greatest revenge. It is also an excellent way to throw off suspicion from my actual favorite revenge, arson.

Can I say something brave? I think jeans are more comfortable than sweats

I've licked every himalayan salt lamp I have laid eyes on

Just got my 23andMe DNA results back and I'm 100% an idiot

Man, my group chat really needs to step it up

Doesn't get better than a beer and a thin crust cooked 3 minutes longer than they tell me to

Soup season is a construct

If anyone sees Michelle Obama, could you ask if potatoes count as a vegetable? Thanks.