Dedication, to cheeses Give me my glass of port

Not sure about the new Star Wars.

There is absolutely nothing I hate more than passionately disliking something.

I sleep in Pajamas P A J A M A S

Shat in the Bahamas B A H A M A S

this shit is bananas, B-I-N-G-O and bingo was his name-o

Creme eggs on offer in morrisons. Eat healthy next month guys

Smiled and my Face ID called 911

sneezing loudly 45 times in a row because it’s Saturday and I deserve a little treat

Me (texting): Help I'm in the closet hiding from the murderer Murderer: Probably shouldn't have used voice to text

*begging a firefighter to go back into my burning house and rescue my sourdough starter*

Me: I know pantyhose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone Teller: So is this not a robbery? Me: No, it is

nah, I know who my people are, thanks

Cause it feels just like I'm sitting on broken glass Sitting on, sitting on broken glass - Annie Lennox at the bum doctors

Well it’s like my mother always said, “I’m too sober for this shit.”

Here are some nice wild flowers

Gum is my favorite thing that freshens your breath for 5 minutes then tastes like shoes

I'll get you a cup of tea he said Happy Mothers Day he said

Being an alcoholic isnt what makes him a cunt. It just enhances that trait.

Face down Ass up That's the way I Prep H my butt

*Plaits your split ends*

In honor of my birthday today, please be nice to someone like me who is also shocked to still be alive (it just keeps happening. So weird). Thank you

Dis Ass is short for Disaster.

I've been married to my first wife for four years today! People often ask us what our secret is, and honestly it's simple. A marriage certificate is a legal binding document and we are law abiding citizens.

*saves login page to my phone homescreen* 37 going on 73

You, an individual, cannot "fix" the whole world. You can act at the scale of your life. You should act at the scale of your life.

I’m sick of politics and work posting. Henceforth this account will be 100% about my gut microbiome.

Found your mom’s college nickname

Cocaine

Sexting you one handed because, you know (Uploading my used pants to allthingsworn.com on my work phone)

sexting you one handed because, you know (eating a jam sandwich)

Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

Do you rub your vagina on the corner of your dining room table or do you sit and eat at it like a virgin?

A penis cage is a goo log gulag.

A penis cage is a bumhole

me, watching a crime drama: wow there’s lots of bad guys in this show

Me worry?

[going around cutting things in half, frantic and in tears] no seriously, what is cake?

You look like you wipe your arse standing up

OK but how do you not put your child first? How do you honestly look at them, a being that didn't ask to be here and think and act in a way that DOESNT put them first. I just don't get it.

* clutches anal beads *

Day 2 of no alcohol but day one of intravenous smack

kinda sucks that there's only one day a year it's acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people

damn girl are you the McDonald’s app? because what’s your deal today?

My wife: Do that thing I like. Me: ...um, what thing? Her: Just kidding, I don't like anything you do.

Jerking off with my

Tulips are red Roses can be pink It’s Valentine’s Day Put em all in the stink

Pelvic girdle is so embarrassing I am forced to walk about like I've been arse ended by a robotic dildo but nothing could be further from the truth.