remember this easy pneumonic device to make sure you’re spelling diarrhoea the BRI’ISH way Dorris It’s reAlly Really Runnin Hard Out mE Arsehole

A belly bar. No Michael. NO

I know with the new year a lot of folks are at the gym doing squats. I just want ya’ll to know I’m at home doing my favorite kind of squat (diddley)

Stressing over one mistake is ridiculous . . . you will probably make many more, wait and stress over all of them together.

Basically me I’m a nutshell

OK but does a tattoo actually hurt?

I hope one day to live in unremarkable, calm, precedented times

Lord save us from these fat folksy nepo white men

No, I don't endorce a site which creates CSAE but you keep going there to get your pathetic validation, Princess.

Tell me you get easily excited about snow without telling me you get excited about snow

[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady

[restaurant] me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please server: sorry sir, but that’s the all-you-can-eat buffet table me: challenge accepted

If Sundays are good for something, they're good for making more food than you can possibly eat in one sitting

I’m doing dry January (a month of straight faced, witty observational posts, delivered with minimal effort)

🎶 It's looking a lot less "Christmas", everywhere we gooooo 🎶

sex with me is like bowling. there’s a lot of drinking and cursing. sticking your fingers in weird holes. you have to rent shoes

happy to report that the possible side effect of my November spine surgery affecting my ability to have an erection has been disproven, as last night I woke up so turgid it was like I had no sheets on the bed at all

a dude i’m talking to got a tortoise as a pet so now he gets to see my boobs.

I'm not picking my nose, I'm being resourceful of my party drugs.

It's hard to believe that my joints turn 300 this year.🥲They grow up so fast.

calm! in the library

Americans are waking up and learning geography the only way they know how. By looking on a map to see where their government has invaded now.

Do I have to brush my hair if I'm getting a pot noodle from the shop. I'm catching up on really boring work if that helps you come to a decision.

idiot: “i haven’t done (insert thing) since last year!” me:

women only want one thing and it’s to pull out your intestines from a hole as if they were a never ending scarf

[God creating dogs] Oh these turned out great. Im going to want all of these back at some point

I was told I sound sexy & sultry over the phone so I'm going to ride that high for awhile & never speak to anyone again.

Sometimes I like to stay up late and think about all the books I hope to read.

oh yeah? well, could a dying sex criminal do THIS? [bombs venezuela]

*opens beer* A dry what now?

Hello 10th consecutive night of coughing

I always get a lil sad when I finish a book

*swallows all my vitamin supplements* *looks up at the heavens waiting for the luxuriant hair growth, glowing skin, regular bowel motions and sharply focused mind to manifest*

*bites my lip* The void: OK fine, I’ll let you in.

when you finally eat something healthy after almost two weeks of delicious crap

This yr I’m setting realistic goals: 1) get out of bed 2) don’t bite anyone

Things I am doing in 2026 1. Saying no 2. Withstanding aforementioned no

some things i’m taking into the new year.

New Year. No You.

Starting at 11:58 I will be facing east so that my wiener will technically get to 2026 first.

new year, same you just be honest

Happy New Year

Ask your doctor if a prescription with 300 side effects is right for you

My DM is better than yours

jesus fuck i hate some of the people ive cum in

I would never do the "Here comes the airplane" bit to feed my child. Embarrassing for us both. I would calmly explain the importance of adequate nutrition and they will yield to unimpeachable logic

I truly have no interest in guessing how someone feels about me. Be direct ☝🏿

I keep my stomach limber by stretching it out with lots of snacks

I prefer the “idea” of people.