I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but can't think of what to name it other than Fed Ex

My Dad is mad at me again for [checks notes]... believing in science

[cruise liner] captain: loose lips sink ships me: *throws mick jagger overboard*

RFK jr wants to get rid of artificial food dye, and Hitler thought everyone should be able to afford a reliable car. Statistically speaking, one in six people who play Russian roulette with five rounds in the chamber are “good at it”

Are Catholics just like on the honor system right now

I prefer to pronounce it mans laughter, your honor.

the two genders

See a tree, post a tree.

you know you're friendzoned when she orders a gin and platonic

You know she’s gonna rock your world when she orders a gin and tectonic

You know she’s trouble when she orders a gin and chaotic

You know she’s into hedgehogs when she orders a gin and Sonic

You know she's into shoes when she orders a gin and Blahnik

See a tree, post a tree. took a ten min detour on a road trip to go see this tree because it had a 5 star rating on Google. and you know what, it was a 5 star tree.

post your favorite Dr Who, wrong answers only

I want a DUVET that makes my BED look like a GIANT ICE CREAM SANDWICH

Learn how to fuck off and leave me alone with this one simple trick.

saturdays are for getting done what you didn’t have time for during the week and that’s why i’ll be crying this morning at the garden center instead of on my closet floor

That bottle of Grey Goose is gonna get it tonight

Whatever eats anteaters has either a really cool name or a really dumb name

Duo, I’ve had a hard day can you be less dramatic please

Trust no one, and keep your potatoes dry.

Trust but verify (that there will be potatoes)

We need a name for this person. The vice provost for authoritarian compliance?

chuffed to announce

The Magic School Bus And The Library Of Celaeno The Magic School Bus In Lost Carcosa The Magic School Bus At The Mountains Of Madness The Magic School Bus Beyond The Wall Of Sleep

8yo: you know Ms. Frizzle's bus is non-Euclidean, right?

Meet me behind the abandoned Dairy Queen and don’t forget your shovel.

you’ll be minding your own business and then here comes someone telling you to get off the roof of their car

Wondering what the hell kind of sex move the “separate two eggs” is before suddenly realizing she’s not sexting, she’s sending a recipe.

li'l bridgey got parts!

There's a particular type of motherfucker I can't tolerate and it's the type that cusses back when they are refused a bummed cigarette

My brother moved his Alexa out of his bedroom when he started dating a woman called Alexa - some of the instructions he was giving caused confusion.

"We shall bite on the beaches, we shall bite on the landing grounds, we shall bite in the fields and in the streets, we shall bite in the hills; we shall never surrender!"

🙂

i told my body not to hurt me while i sleep tonight i’ll let you know how it goes

I don't fucking take sides. I already have a side, MY side.

KID: hey mister can i pet your dog? ME: sure kid KID: what kind is he? ME: that there's a pure beef vienna son careful don't get mustard on your shirt

With zero information you'd be shocked what I can find out. I chatted briefly with a fellow single tennis parent yesterday and by 10am I had already looked at his divorce proceedings online.

Most of you couldn't handle sticking your face down my tank top to lick the fried chicken breading from my cleavage anyway.

What I'm hearing is, you googled and discovered I'm not actually a therapist. How does that make you feel?

In the future, rats’ asses are currency (they’re the meatiest part).

(sticking a spicy chicken patty, an over medium egg and two slices of pepper jack between two hash brown patties)

Marriage: where "Sounds great, honey" covers everything from dinner plans to adopting a llama.