I took a year off from this place for my mental health. Mental health is overrated.

Me watching football: Damn he threw that pass like a woman. My son: Huh? Me: To a man who disappointed him.

Watched our favorite Christmas movie again last night. This part always gets me.

Hum, interesting items in this target "swag bag" A kilo of human hair dripping with a red ichor Boric acid An Erlenmeyer full of ether Teeth stuff A packet of expired flavour aid A gift card to Dicks Sporting goods

jumping out of a cake and finding yourself inside an even larger cake

“It makes me so happy. To be back at the beginning, knowing almost nothing.” -Arcadia, Tom Stoppard, zichrono l’bracha

I'll sleep when I'm dead* * On Teams calls with my camera off

"It's a Wonderful Life" (1946, Dir: Frank Capra) Man who makes series of bad life choices ends up accidentally inventing GoFundMe.

Guys, I'm really suffering. I've lost my voice so for the last few days I haven't been able to watch movies.

"Richie" is short for Richibald.

"The Cask of Amontillado" but I'm walling myself in.

a secret portrait which bears all the scars of my age and debaucheries would fix me

These long winter nights are great because this must be what it feels like to live on a nomad planet with no home star to orbit. Hurtling through the inky black. Forgotten by God.

Don't worry, boss. I created a bar chart for the presentation.

The bartender told me to stop headbutting people who try to talk to me.

My wife took this picture yesterday and I can’t stop looking at it

People keep asking me questions about my horrible blood demon I summoned and never about my day. It's like they don't even care about my feelings.

[making pizza rolls] instructions: heat them up me: yes instructions: let them cool me: no

"Centipedes have like thirty-five legs tops." "Why would they have an uneven number of legs?" "This is a tough town."

I could not be prouder of my daughter and my nonbinary kid. Living as you truly are is the pinnacle of courage. Those who seek to oppress others because they're different know nothing about courage. And they will always be on the wrong side of history.

Ask not what the boys can do for you, ask if they are back in town.

please, my boys, they are very back in town

It is always darkest before the boys are back in town

MLK = More Luigi Kills

always a housewife, never a house

TikTok was down for less time than it takes for online video games to do maintenance.

Any media literacy class should start with "Joke Factchecker is not an actual job."

scientists say we know more about outer space than we know about the parasites slowly devouring your organs. "we're quite confident they're not from outer space," they reassure you

I have taken The Substance that was in box 503 and which you were probably planning to activate Forgive me I stabilized unswitched and kept feeding

Being good at listening is a curse, but it sure is nice when the screams stop. That's how my book about a serial killer therapist is going to start.

the air is too loud and the light is a knife so i’ll be in my hole waiting for death if you need me

fired from Chuck E. Cheese's for replacing the balls in the ball pit with live crabs, but only because the crabs are slightly more expensive

Today is the first in what will be a continuing series of National Days of Mourning.

When I go on a web-site I will ALWAYS select “do not sell my personal information” and also I carry a card in my wallet that says I DO NOT CONSENT TO BEING MURDERED

Me: I know pantyhose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone Teller: So is this not a robbery? Me: No, it is

“Never got around to trying TikTok” he posted over the course of 3 days using a rotary-dial princess phone.

Confession time: Not only am I not a frood, I am also not even remotely hoopy.

Some of my favorite writers who I aspire to be more like & who inspire me @frovo.bsky.social @porkchophair.bsky.social @ennuidoofen.bsky.social @capnwatsisname.bsky.social @azedand2knots.bsky.social @flashember.bsky.social (post more wildejerk) @thetoddwilliams.bsky.social @tobi-is-fab.bsky.social

It's true, I just saw this.

What's your favorite song about the night Chicago died?

What’s your favorite song about the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald

I’m afraid the emails have found me

The people quality is horrible outside

Have you never seen a baby Lumpfish? Well, today is your lucky day!

Well there goes my resolution not to be seduced by a bog witch this year

I want: 1) To know what love is 2) You to show me 3) An order of nachos for the table