The only augmented reality glasses I want are those ones that one pervert dude in thirteen ghost wore before two slabs of glass cut him in half

I'm not sure about this branding but I'm not the billionaire business genius

I believe that we should be afforded the same grace and dignity in death that we gave our perceived enemies in life. So when I die, you can talk SO much shit. Just roast the hell out of me

Loops shouldn't hog all the fun we should disintegrate other things too.

Floating some ideas to John Nabisco on how we should kill the keebler elves with an axe

Catch me melding with the divine machinery. Endless miles of wire bundle together in a now living heaving mass of fiberoptics. On the upper floors a middle management guy sets his password to "PasswordCompanyname"

Our whining god made of spare brush motors and a bucket full of TEMU fire sale raspberry PIs. It wants us to kill it.

"Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?" she asks. "What's a matter baby?" I ask. I'm shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well, drawing nearby celestial objects inextricably towards it. "Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?"

Absolute Ball-less Cowards

ABC - Always Be Caving

Is Kirby a blue mage?

I'm going to follow up on this now that I've beaten the bug game that's about bugs. It's wonderful. It's so good. I smiled the whole time. I'm not going to pretend you're going to have an easy time. It is hard at times but it's so good. Play the bug game, for bugs, by bugs, of bugs

I don't think Silksongs launch was malicious. I just think Team Cherry was excited to launch their game 7 years after hollow knight. It's not on them how other dev houses and publishers get pissy about the 20 dollar price tag when AAA publishers want to charge 80+ for base games.

cursed pac-man tattoo roams my flesh at night, gobbling moles and freckles, whispering "you're next, blinky" in my ear

Growing up surfing the world wide web unsupervised, finding websites with photos of you in places you've never been next to people you've never known. A pop up ad showing Jeffery the Toys r Us Giraffe strangling a man with a wire.

They won't allow me to fill a man with nails and send him through the MRI machine just to see what that would do. God forbid a girl be curious

You know what I’m taking from this experience? Nothing! My brain is a sieve. I will not recall a single moment from today if you try to reminisce with me in the future.

(fucks up quite badly in an obvious way, I'm grievously injured, with broken bones protruding from my skin in multiple areas) leave me alone, I'm doing a bit

Memento-ed up my body to compensate for a failing memory, and now I stare at a tattoo sea wondering what the hell they all mean.

You've seen shark tank! You've sat in confusion watching dragons den, NOW get ready for The Wolf Pack! Watch as your idiot cousin Terry gets ripped apart by wolves while trying to pitch his stupid HVAC business idea!

My problem is that I love bad bitches. Also that I drink gasoline I buy with credit cards I find on the old people I knock over and kick while in a "'oline fugue".

New podcast idea, The Gas Leak! In where several hosts gather around a table and talk until they succumb to the toxins. Given how most podcast hosts talk you shouldn't notice much of a difference

There should be more things for me to emerge from. Portals and shadows and weak sections of drywall. That sort of stuff. It would make my sudden appearance more fun for people.

A millionaire trophy Hunter by the name of Asher Watkins was gored to death by a 1.2 ton cape Buffalo. Hope the buffalo is okay

Roller, demolition, Kentucky... our derby scientists are slacking. Haven't discovered a new one in years.

i'm out in the yard goofing around with the family and try to somersault but accidentally summer sausage. it looks even worse than it sounds but the tragic event sees my misshapen body sold to Hickory Farms for a tidy sum and my loved ones live in financial security thereafter

New cross fit meet up in the old meat hook and chain saw factory. Run until you taste copper.

So if the Firebase bucket they were using had no authentication in place and was set to public then this wasn't really "unauthorized" access. They are making this sound like they are the victim of an attack when, in reality, they utterly failed their users and compromised their privacy.

We're slashing everything here, prices, tires, your mother, we will literally kill you in this Walmart parking lot

I bet he'd also stuff a recently dead squirrel in his mouth if Adam Sandler gave him a tenner.

I’m not afraid of swimming in the ocean because it’s none of my business what is at the bottom, it’d be rude to look, really

tonight's quiet rehearsal: a quick cover of Jackson C. Frank's Dialogue (I Want to Be Alone), vocal and acoustic

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his so he’ll hold it* Grim Reaper: quit it

Have you considered being a huge dumbass about it

In keeping secrets of the silent earth three. Coheed and Cambria

The employee graveyard is closed until we can stop the townspeople from stealing the astroturf for their home putting greens.

I went to planet fitness this morning and was disgusted by the false advertising. It wasn't a planet at all, just a single building. So mad right now

For every like I will erase something from your past. The pain of memory, gone, and with it your opportunity for growth. This is something that you want and I am capable of doing

I would have made such a great old-timey doctor. "Looks like you've got a real bad case of stormy skeleton," I'd say as I cleaned under my fingernails with a penknife.

Put me in a jubilee video with 20 people that yern for the melodic drone of The Wasp Hive, and I will fill them *with wasps*

Bark at the moon my dude. Rest easy.

It's 5pm and you know what that means! Time for me to go into an abandoned Kmart and think about Martha Stewart.

They don't put the fluoride in the water for YOUR teeth. They put it in to placate the giant primordial amoeba with a million mouths

If you sneak into our VIP Coors Light Zone at our amphitheater you will be forced to drink Coors Light.

Me (sick at heart, disappointed, scared, wondering if anything's worth the trouble, itchy): maybe another coffee

I'm running in the midterms elections on a platform of the fact I'm not going to do anything weird with your teeth. I promise.

Scowling at the moon. Just a big chunk of basalt. Doesn't even make it's own light, gotta steal it from the sun. Not impressed.

Mamdani just released this on X with the caption: This is what I will do to the small business owners of New York City if you don't stop me.

Breaking news: A new teen gang known as the "The Flayed Ones" are terrorizing local retirement communities. With flesh splayed like an open jacket they say "Ima take the batteries out of all of these mobility scooters"