if it wasn't for the fact that their very existence is itself unbridled hubris against the gods, birds should probably have made it into outer space by now

i begin typing on an old typewriter, "a werewolf is steering a submarine" but then stop. i crunch up the paper and throw it in the fire. the world isn't ready yet for Captain Harry McHowls, the submarine pilot who is secretly a werewolf hiding from the moon

ME: goodnight honey WIFE: goodnight EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit* BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog *happy ribbit ribbit*

[after robots take over] *drones crash into my kitchen* ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me? *fridge starts laughing* BUT U WERE MY FABRIT

Realized I never said "unquote" after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I've said since is Shakespeare

[1633 Vatican] State your full name “Galileo Galilei” Galileo Galilei? ♫I'm just a poor boy nobody loves me♫ *cardinals just go nuts*

Think you know guilt? *takes long drag on cigarette* I'm the wildebeest who killed Mufasa. *exhales* I hear Simba's screams every night.

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

An immortal wildebeest clatters throughout the ages. He has always clattered. He will be forever clattering. On and on and on he clatters.