The only good thing on the internet right now are libraries and coffee shops doing skits on tik tok.

The only people I can trust are those little sprites that swim around my field of vision after I blow my nose too hard.

They’re mostly my drawings of dragons kissing. A few short stories.

I was gonna release 20,000 documents today but I guess I have to wait now.

Sorry I denied you of the cross you bore that I gave to you. I shouldn’t have denied you of the cross you bore that I gave to you.

“Then, in the ruins of the explosion, the little bits of James Bond melt into tiny puddles of testosterone and he T-1000ses himself back together into the shape of Michael Stuhlbarg.”

Every time a Sidney Sweeney movie flops, her eyelids get a little heavier.

If you’re encouraging your employees to use AI to write emails or presentations, you’re acknowledging how little value there already is in business communication.

You’re telling me they made a movie based on Chili’s Wicked Margaritas?

Boss: You really brighten up the office Employee:

My family could really use a pick-me-up, thanks for the rec!!

Tfw you’ve tied for The Very Worst for another year.

If I'm doing the math correctly, Musk's big pay packet yesterday could have made each of these now-dead people millionaires instead. He is among the sickest men the world has ever produced.

my dog on the daycare webcam

(Luther Vandross voice) Here and now / I banish you all to the moon...

And this is what they call “the ole Chappaquiddick Farewell” in the Kennedy family, dude couldn’t help it, it’s in his blood.

Rest now sister. We have the kente. I'll see you in Wakanda.

I love to go to a Web-Page and fight for my very life just to view the content therein.

Snuck out to sit in my car and feel hope for a sec don’t tell the fellas.

NFL Commissioner Curtis Sliwa

The DHS honored Dick Cheney today with a 21 Acts-of-Racist-Cruelty Salute.

Quote-skeet this with “I’m thinking about having a wrap for lunch” if you’re thinking about having a wrap for lunch.

Laura Bush eavesdrops outside George’s painting studio. She hears soft crying, followed by the sound of furious brushstrokes, then ripping canvas. “No no no NO,” she hears him say. “For him, this has to be perfect.”

Kamala’s not answering her phone. Does anyone know how she’s doing?

can’t tell if my antidepressants aren’t working or if they just weren’t built for this. like, zoloft was introduced in the 90s it barely needed to work then. if you got sad you could just buy a house.

The Amazing World Of Tomorrow

My mind is reeling trying to imagine the vitamins and animal effluents RFK Jr is recommending to cure Dilbert’s stage 4 cancer right now.

This boat is the marine incarnation of Allison Janney in a beautiful white suit

“Douse me, O Lord, in your healing sky diarrhea.”

Having pets is great if you love being looked at expectantly.

Columbo is coming to Mortal Kombat

Singing “Louvre jewels” to the tune of “Stool boom” from Waiting for Guffman.

On the left, the refurbished Lincoln bathroom. On the right, picture I took in Saddam Hussein's palace in Basra in 2005.

Quote tweet this with a story about riding your skeletal steed across the misty moors.

"You there, boy! What day is it?"

“I vaant to … know vat makes you tick!”

If you’re so insistent that men wash their bodies, why won’t you make a bathtub that looks like the cockpit of an F-18?

…and the buffalofication of the chicken continued unabated.

Cookie Monster’s date: Can we talk about something else

Trump could come out today and say actually you know maybe Odin is a better god than Yahweh after all and 70 percent of U.S. Christians would become pagan

David Lynch: You're not just trying to get on the show are you Frank Silva: (creeping around set on all fours like a little demon) No sir

Heard today that the sweet young man down the block who shovels our walk in the winter has had some success upon the baseball diamond.

The thieves put those Louvre jewels up on the Marshalltown, Iowa Facebook marketplace. My cousin Cory lives there and helped get them caught.

I have Tim Burton trapped in a well. It was easy, I just told him there was a black-haired actress down there.

Maybe this would work better as a Don Martin cartoon in a 1974 issue of Mad Magazine.

Back Hair Rapunzel

Doing 100 mph in the carpool lane with a 12-foot skeleton in the passenger seat of my Miata.

if you don’t spend several hours a day on your phone you’ll miss all the Crap and Bullshit

Oh you don’t like seeing queer and BIPOC characters on TV? Well the Manning brothers’ faces make me sick to my stomach but I DEAL WITH IT.

haha you guys should be on SNL