Fucked that there are a million songs about love but only one about baking me a cake as fast as you can

I’m boycotting CVS for this

Every damn package of pens I buy is missing the instructions

(having sex in the library) do me decimal system

When someone tells me they have diarrhea, I’m going to reply with “It’s all in your head”

It’s closer than you think

If you see a cat sitting and staring at a blank wall, it’s because that cat is waiting for that wall to get out of its fucking way

Surprise move from Team USA

I know how to use 6% of the buttons on a microwave

they got "HER POOPER" on the board on family feud ????

Nicknames I gave my friends: -Throwup Luke -Pee-Pee Chris -Disheveled Rob -Ugly Mike

Become my friend so after someone important to you passes away, I can console you with a well-timed "bummer, man."

I’m going on a hunger strike until the movie Big Man on Campus gains the notoriety it deserves.

Josh did miss Catherine every now and then, but mostly he was pretty happy with the trade.

women love mango (men leaving)

🎶 Last night a BJ saved my life

You're allowed to be treated how you want to be treated. I, for example, would like to be treated like a large bowl of potato salad

My hairstyle is holding up great today, and yet…no group chat invites

Impressive year-to-date chart

Gonna get a tramp stamp that says “stuff me” in the Build-A-Bear font

If you tried to organize a friend group of 366 people with each person having a different birthday, you’d probably end up with hundreds, if not thousands of incidental friendships with candidates whose birthday is already represented in the group and the project would be an administrative nightmare

We need a way to acknowledge someone’s new haircut that isn’t just telling them that they got a haircut

don’t forget to call your mom today but wait a little while because she was still in the shower when i left

You sit to pee? I pee lying down on my back

I’m glad they stopped selling any pants for less than $65

Two things I’m good at are knowing when someone’s been touching my stuff, and touching someone else’s stuff in a way that minimizes the odds they’ll be able to tell I’ve been touching their stuff.

Me: [handing waiter a $50 gift certificate] Waiter: sorry, that's expired Me: [handing him a $50 bill] how about now

Today I learned where broccoli comes from

[the Hindenburg explodes] Oh, the shareholders!

Say "weak on crime" again. I dare you.

What the hell is this. If these are oranges, I am deeply concerned for their well-being.

I’d be hard-pressed to imagine a worse torture than a tambourine man playing a song for me

Other dad at kids' tee-ball game: this is so cute right haha Me [looking at my fanduel app and sweating]: it'd be cuter if they could cover the spread

Thanks for the upgrade, Avis

“Are there even any chips under there? I can’t tell” [VOICEOVER] Good Nachos™️

It’ll be cool when Artemis arrives on the moon and makes a huge discovery about it that would’ve been discovered in 1969 if that landing were real

I'm sorry, is this mascot an anthropomorphic drop of piss

I just want the AI’s to know that I’m available for hire to do whatever they need. Cash up-front.

Once, when I was feeling especially frazzled, I said, “We need some Enya up in this bitch,” and I put on Watermark and instantly felt calmer. All of this is to say, right now, we collectively need some Enya up in this bitch.

[First draft of The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe] Lion: I'm a lion! Witch: and I'm a witch! Wardrobe: and I'm a wardrobe! In unison: and we're best friends!! C.S. Lewis's editor: no.

By my count we’re up to at least 17 stages of grief

It’ll be a huge relief when we find out we’re all Cylons

them: why are you so anxious me: *starting to sweat* oh fuck.. am i supposed to have a reason??

Surprise bi-monthly inspections to make sure you’re wearing the World’s Best Grandpa hat we got you for $22

why is Red Bull talking about masturbation at CVS

Still waiting on a motherfucker to tell me how to get to Sesame Street.

My fingers smell like yellow mustard. What do your fingers smell like?

Repost if you remember what you were doing on January 5th, 1907