We need a way to acknowledge someone’s new haircut that isn’t just telling them that they got a haircut

don’t forget to call your mom today but wait a little while because she was still in the shower when i left

You sit to pee? I pee lying down on my back

Just had expired buttermilk. Now we wait.

I’m glad they stopped selling any pants for less than $65

Two things I’m good at are knowing when someone’s been touching my stuff, and touching someone else’s stuff in a way that minimizes the odds they’ll be able to tell I’ve been touching their stuff.

Me: [handing waiter a $50 gift certificate] Waiter: sorry, that's expired Me: [handing him a $50 bill] how about now

Today I learned where broccoli comes from

[the Hindenburg explodes] Oh, the shareholders!

Say "weak on crime" again. I dare you.

What the hell is this. If these are oranges, I am deeply concerned for their well-being.

I’d be hard-pressed to imagine a worse torture than a tambourine man playing a song for me

Other dad at kids' tee-ball game: this is so cute right haha Me [looking at my fanduel app and sweating]: it'd be cuter if they could cover the spread

Thanks for the upgrade, Avis

“Are there even any chips under there? I can’t tell” [VOICEOVER] Good Nachos™️

It’ll be cool when Artemis arrives on the moon and makes a huge discovery about it that would’ve been discovered in 1969 if that landing were real

I'm sorry, is this mascot an anthropomorphic drop of piss

I just want the AI’s to know that I’m available for hire to do whatever they need. Cash up-front.

Once, when I was feeling especially frazzled, I said, “We need some Enya up in this bitch,” and I put on Watermark and instantly felt calmer. All of this is to say, right now, we collectively need some Enya up in this bitch.

[First draft of The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe] Lion: I'm a lion! Witch: and I'm a witch! Wardrobe: and I'm a wardrobe! In unison: and we're best friends!! C.S. Lewis's editor: no.

By my count we’re up to at least 17 stages of grief

It’ll be a huge relief when we find out we’re all Cylons

them: why are you so anxious me: *starting to sweat* oh fuck.. am i supposed to have a reason??

Surprise bi-monthly inspections to make sure you’re wearing the World’s Best Grandpa hat we got you for $22

why is Red Bull talking about masturbation at CVS

Still waiting on a motherfucker to tell me how to get to Sesame Street.

My fingers smell like yellow mustard. What do your fingers smell like?

Repost if you remember what you were doing on January 5th, 1907

(turning a big rusty crank) let’s fire up another day here on the bullshit machine

Eat it

Schuster & Garfunkel: The Other Guys Tour

It turns out that all of reality is just an elaborate simulation, and, as you’ve suspected all along, it’s only for you

Me *Entering the afterlife* Oh fuck, there's more!

Statistically, you're much better off if you don't believe anything is butter

Hi I'm allegedly a pollster and I'm texting you the sketchiest looking URL you've ever seen!

[me in the kitchen] *makes a small thump noise* [my dogs in the living room] TO WAR WE GO

If you know what this is, you had an AWESOME childhood

thinking AI is conscious isn't much different than thinking narcissists and sociopaths care about you. both are just mimicking something they don't feel inside, and the jury is still out on which has worse consequences.

Exercise your bladder, take your bladder out on a walk, treat your bladder to a good time every once in a while it works hard for you

I, for one, am looking forward to Kamala Harris's Mr. Beast arc.

Happy Groundhog Day! What are you guys doing to celebrate?

🎶 It’s like this and like that and like this

It’s looking like my new business will launch on July 4th once Trump Accounts go into effect. The business plan is to adopt as many babies as I can 💰💰💰💰

DAD (pounding on the bathroom door): You better not be doing meteorology in there!

It’s January and I’m already stressing about what I’m gonna wear to a concert in August

but just think of all the mining we'll be able to get done when we're no longer distracted by the sounds of those canaries

Every privacy policy update: We have found new ways to monetize your data !!

A tour of my anxiety Me: receives lots of great vinyl stickers for Xmas of many of my interests. Also me: where should I put them? What if I put them on my car and my car breaks down and I have to get a new one and then my stickers are on my old car. Same with my laptop. Stickers stay in package.

When the devil on your shoulder tells you that now is a good time to non-sequitur tell your friend that you peed in his kitchen sink once in 2002 and twice in 2003, do not do it