When mom’s favorites are in town but she can’t find a babysitter

ME: If a woman has a baby in her stomach and she eats food, how does the stomach tell the difference between the baby (to keep) and the food (to shit out)? RFKJ: It just knows

If the pizzeria man is mean to you on the phone, his pizza will be very good

I have once again pulled off the perfect Chicago style pizza

Loved the video you took at the concert. Almost as good as your pictures of the full moon

Friend: I found your doppelganger *shows you picture of the worst looking person you've ever seen in your life*

COACH: Doug, you cover the little guy. Alex, you get the tall guy. And Cyrus, you guard the guy with the boner

It’s shaped like this so you can form a tight seal with your stomach, hips & thighs

“Do you follow Jesus this closely?” No. Does Jesus know what a fucken shitty driver you are?

[at my second rodeo] listen up you ignorant sack of shit

As an Eileen, sometimes I’m paranoid someone just wants to sleep with me so next time they hear that Dexy’s Midnight Runners song they can say “I did”

Should I bother getting dressed on Rapture Day, or just show up in heaven naked?

ME: I wish people would stop quoting the Knights Who Say Nee scene GENIE: Your wish is granted; I’ve replaced them all with people who say “this is just like the movie Idiocracy”

Me: *makes a single small purchase from a brand* Brand: We are now betrothed

It's with a heavy sigh that I follow you back.

idk why the winner of a ufc fight has to talk to joe rogan they should make the loser do that

Rude hitchhiker won’t share what he’s cackling about.

[girls group chat] MY WIFE: I just want mine to stop saying Jeepers!

I love a thrill... like when you hold down backspace and it starts erasing like 10x faster fuck

Studying for my gang initiation

of course it’s a banana in my pocket why would i be happy to see you

gimme the pisswich (mike’s way)

Gray Camry seems to be the hot new choice for assholes

Seniors born in 1979 are turning age 46 this year

Clearing my calendar indefinitely because the movie ad said it’s “from the guys who wrote Deadpool”

Lame.

Orthodontist, periodontist, endodontist, and the dentist who recommended them all

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven? Me: Once a coworker said "supposably" 7 times in a meeting and I just let her St. Peter: Get in here

The price of porn is going up again

Watching videos now is like HOLY FUCKING CHRIST—oh it’s just AI

I only followed you bc you're pretty stop asking me for money

I was kind of hoping more than 3 food items would be delicious here, but I do appreciate the heads up.

A deal like Brewster’s Millions would be easy to win today: [at the aquarium] “Two adults and three kids, please”

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say "oh, I thought she was already dead"

My dream date

Doctor: Your wrist pain is from repetitive motion. Can you stop doing it at work? [Cut to me doing the jerkoff gesture thru every conference call] Me: Sadly, no

So the Lowe's guy who cut my glass panes told me to be careful because the cut edges were sharp but let me tell you something: I was not careful

The number of times today I’ve had to answer, “Which Ozzy?” or “Ozzy who?” is pathetic. You people should be ashamed of yourselves

ME: it’s just hard for me to trust people bc I’ve been hurt. you’re in love with me now, but how will you feel next week.. what if it’s just sexual infatuation CHATGPT: i would never lie to you

my favorite part of every wedding is when they have all the couples dance and say to the singles “you see? you see what you could have, you slut???”

Mechanic sliding out from underneath Lightning McQueen: yep, I found the problem. this car's got a dick

big dick energy drink

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top] GHOST: Booooooo—OH sorry ME: It’s fine, go on GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

pussy pussy pussy pussy pussy pussy pussy pussy ok, now that I've got your attention... pussy.

I'll worry about my job when an AI can come up with a subhead like this.

Steal their ideas right out of their heads with a claw hammer and a wet vac.

Shout out to Abel, world record holder for being dead the longest

i think they’re being overly optimistic regarding the canine literacy rate