All I want is a chance to prove $163 million wouldn’t turn me into a bad person

My therapist: back when you were a kid, what adult would you have felt safe with talking about your emotions? Me: Mrs Potts from Beauty & the Beast

I’m guessing my vagina has a southern accent because it’s down south

I hate it when I feel like eating but I don’t feel like cooking

Does being an adult mean a perpetual tiny amount of heartburn or am I unwell? And other questions I don’t want to ask, more at 11

Why is it called Animal Crossing? Are they/you angry or are they/you walking by?

Why do we call them hot dogs when we could call them warm wieners

I don’t have any slutty clothes so I just have to be slutty on the inside

I think butts are cool because we just naturally have a seat where ever we go

If you’re consoling someone for using the wrong pronouns, you can give them their there there they’re they’re

I wonder if Annie was ok that she had been hit by a smooth criminal

Gonna get a rock and paint the word “party” on it. I’ll bring it inside at night and say “party rock in the house tonight”

It’s not a fancy restaurant if I don’t drop something on my shirt

I don’t understand garnish on plates. If I’m not supposed to eat it then put something better than garden trash. How about an iPhone or a cool pen?

Me when I’m feeling fancy but I’m still a work in progress

Water is great because if you see someone drinking it you can say “water you doing?”

Mr Darcy walking toward me in the misty sunrise only he’s just three bags of peanut butter m&ms in a trench coat

“It began with the forging of the great rings. Three were given to the Elves, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings” said Galadriel, an elf

One of my special skills is waiting to eat until I get hangry that you’re not feeding me

Anybody can interact, but will anybody interact? One like = one prayer, say amen and get a squirrel to cross your path

Idk man, if my mother was with apple cider vinegar idk if I’d BRAG about it

A Hot Pocket is also a ravioli

Talking to my nipples like “what is it, girl? What are you pointing at?”

I really don’t want to go to sleep in case it happens and I miss it

Based on what I know I just assume all British guys’ cum tastes like Worcestershire sauce

I just swallowed my coffee wrong and basically died at this coffee shop and the guy next to me got up and left. Life hack! P.S. new band name, Coughing! At the Coffee Shop

I hate being hungry in the middle of the night because I have to tell myself no, and myself really doesn’t like that

My hobbies include adding items to an online shopping cart at 2am

Just once I’d like to thrown down my enemy and smite his ruin upon the mountainside

In the Cars universe the reality tv show was called The Wheel World

Going to the dispensary after therapy is another form of therapy

I had a salad for lunch and then 16 handfuls of Cheetos for lunch dessert

Omg what if Korg from Thor called Thor “Thorg” Yes, I’m high

I’m like a dog because I want love but I’m just out of reach

I fought the nap and the nap won

If they’re so worried about a Muslim person in power, then they should be supporting the separation of church and state but lmao

Just looked at the clock on the microwave. It’s 12 seconds o’clock

Every yoga pose I see I’m like “I can totally do that” but lemme tell you I totally can no

I’m American. If I want to go for a nice walk I driver there first

I’m not like other girls. I didn’t discover the band The Shins from Garden State. I saw them on Gilmore Girls 💅

Gonna take a nap listening to Max Miller talk about Spotted Dick and hope I have some fun dreams

I hope God’s next test for me is "can she handle a ridiculous amount of money"

Just once I’d like to wake up to birds and mice bringing me breakfast

I thought there would be more farmers for sale at this farmers market

If you met on the internet, then you intermet

Happy Father’s Day to anyone I’ve ever called Daddy

Look I may be insufferable and exhausting and needy

Ending my day like I started it, in bed