Mr Darcy walking toward me in the misty sunrise only he’s just three bags of peanut butter m&ms in a trench coat

“It began with the forging of the great rings. Three were given to the Elves, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings” said Galadriel, an elf

One of my special skills is waiting to eat until I get hangry that you’re not feeding me

Anybody can interact, but will anybody interact? One like = one prayer, say amen and get a squirrel to cross your path

Idk man, if my mother was with apple cider vinegar idk if I’d BRAG about it

A Hot Pocket is also a ravioli

Talking to my nipples like “what is it, girl? What are you pointing at?”

I really don’t want to go to sleep in case it happens and I miss it

Based on what I know I just assume all British guys’ cum tastes like Worcestershire sauce

I just swallowed my coffee wrong and basically died at this coffee shop and the guy next to me got up and left. Life hack! P.S. new band name, Coughing! At the Coffee Shop

I hate being hungry in the middle of the night because I have to tell myself no, and myself really doesn’t like that

My hobbies include adding items to an online shopping cart at 2am

Just once I’d like to thrown down my enemy and smite his ruin upon the mountainside

In the Cars universe the reality tv show was called The Wheel World

Going to the dispensary after therapy is another form of therapy

I had a salad for lunch and then 16 handfuls of Cheetos for lunch dessert

Omg what if Korg from Thor called Thor “Thorg” Yes, I’m high

I’m like a dog because I want love but I’m just out of reach

I fought the nap and the nap won

If they’re so worried about a Muslim person in power, then they should be supporting the separation of church and state but lmao

Just looked at the clock on the microwave. It’s 12 seconds o’clock

Every yoga pose I see I’m like “I can totally do that” but lemme tell you I totally can no

I’m American. If I want to go for a nice walk I driver there first

I’m not like other girls. I didn’t discover the band The Shins from Garden State. I saw them on Gilmore Girls 💅

Gonna take a nap listening to Max Miller talk about Spotted Dick and hope I have some fun dreams

I hope God’s next test for me is "can she handle a ridiculous amount of money"

Just once I’d like to wake up to birds and mice bringing me breakfast

I thought there would be more farmers for sale at this farmers market

If you met on the internet, then you intermet

Happy Father’s Day to anyone I’ve ever called Daddy

Look I may be insufferable and exhausting and needy

Ending my day like I started it, in bed

Norway is how Australians say no way

I needed a hug so I watched Ted Lasso And then I banged your mom

a wendigo ate my baby

Light as a feather, smorg as a board

The Dark Knight implies The Light Kday

Puzzles should come with like a tiny separate bonus puzzle that you do with the extra pieces

I’m high and I just made a snack for myself tomorrow. I hope I like it 🥰

Sorry I accidentally liked your thing, I was trying to swipe a dog hair off my phone

If I was a real estate agent I would use different pics of me on each For Sale sign That way people could be like “we got The Eye of Sauron” house Or “we got the Michael Jordan crying meme” house

Severance only the outies turn into muppets as innies

What level of capitalism is it when you hurt a muscle in your neck trying to pull out a chin hair

Wishing on a star but wait it’s not a star it’s your butt

Me as a kid: Mom, watch!! Me as and adult: Mom, watch me do nothing with my life

Making my triumphant return the way I live my life, begging for attention

I don’t understand how architectural arches stay up and I don’t want to know

Just once I’d like to land on a dessert island, full of cake and stuff