I didn’t ghost you, I never existed

*Slides into your dm’s to tell you that you have food in your teeth*

Let’s rendezvous in a dimly lit passageway and kiss as though the fate of the world depends on it

They stole my name!

Turning walls into bridges

I like my women like I like my pro wrestling; Still real to me, damnit!

The real friends were the farts we trusted along the way

Drifting along aimlessly, like a ghost stuck on Earth

Picasso depicted you perfectly

Middle of the night half asleep peeing with the door open… And the toilet lid down. Dammit.

Two hearts, beating as one Oh man, that blood is pumping waaay too fast! *Chest explodes* -Love

Big deal, I dropped an album today too. Shattered into pieces, and I’m not trending on the internet

FINALLY, it’s sweatpants with Juicy written across the ass season again!

I hate how songs I don’t like are twice as long as songs I do like

People who are nostalgic for the 80s have obviously forgotten how much Phil Collins we had to listen to.

Apologies, but the rapture has been rescheduled as a pizza party in conference room B

If I told you that you have a cute knife, would you hold it against me?

ME: *dies* DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife. ME: How do I get to Heaven? DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs. ME: What about Hell? DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs. ME: And Limbo? DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

Who wore it better? LIKE for the 1st pic. RESKEET for the 2nd pic. Option 3: Quote with your own pic for consideration. LET’S GO!

The crazy really brings out the brown in your eyes

Less Monster under your bed, and more Red Bull in your hands

Damn, no cake and no boobs for my birthday. Sad

Girl, you put the grrrr in granny panties

It’s weird seeing someone go from a caterpillar to a beautiful butterfly, to a vile asshole

Loneliness and nights are a powerful tag team

*Turns into a werewolf and just curls up in your lap to sleep*

Pastor: “Get you right with your maker” Bartender: “Get you right with a Maker’s”

Welcome to your 40s, where the easiest way to injure yourself is by relaxing

Not sure how Sisyphus tricked me into pushing this boulder every day, but here we are again

“Ball is out!” -Exciting during a football game -Less exciting when it’s dad’s loose shorts

Just looking for an ass to lay my head on. And maybe squeeze

I may have a race car bed, but I take things slow

Yeah she moans your name, but can she burp it?

Less of a breakdown, more of a crumbling

Stalking is so old school. Now, I just buy their identity from the dark web

It might just be me being older, but cars these days have too much tech. I tried shifting into reverse, and it played a video of somebody getting run over by a car.

Don’t give ‘em hell. Save that for us

Just a man looking for a connection in a world of distance

Keep up the good work! (threat)

Weird how the phrase “Kiss and make up” can me two totally different things

Depression is like being in a steel cage match with a gorilla. Every day.

In hell you’re always one minute late to feed the cat.

Bridges burn when you flee

Quantum Leap, but it’s just me trying to find the best sandwich

Doomscrolling is only reading Reed Richards’ tl in disgust

Just got an email that my gynecologist is retiring at the end of the year. I didn't even know I had one.

Pretty convinced that if I have a crush on/like someone, they are 100% not available lol

You went to another country to see ruins, when you could’ve just visited me

Someone called country music “farm emo” and I’ll never be able to unsee that

Mount Rushmore, but it’s just your ass and tiddies