In 2026 give up on your dreams of being a rapper. You’re 40 and we need more plumbers

My ex once told me no one would want me with two kids. And I had to remind him that people actually wanted me with two kids AND a husband. He stfu real quick!

My sense of humor is like covid. Either you get it or you don’t. Period!

This man’s name is Jesse. But what I heard in my early morning brain was juicy. So I did call him juicy and now I need a new identity so I can restart my life in a cave somewhere

Saw someone making dessert pasta with Nutella. And all my worst instincts have surfaced

Told this guy he has the same name as my dog. And now he’s trying to show me his bone. So I guess it worked in a way

Last December I was single, angry, with a fluffy belly. This December I’m also single, angry, with a fluffy belly. Consistent AF bro!

The first born son is the male version of his mother. I don’t make the rules

Nothing beats having a conversation with the oil change guy while “Feel like making love” is blasting on the background

Monday motivation: No one can stop you, if you stop yourself first

I can’t decided if I’m the kindest shitty person you’ll ever meet. Or if I’m the shittiest kind person you’ll ever meet

Be like pubic hair and come back stronger after people try to get rid of you

Him: I like older women Me: I watched porn in VHS

GenX is the first generation that the parents are more fun than the kids

Whoever made the portion size 5 needs to be sued. Everyone knows it has to be an even number

I’m only gonna genuinely like you once. After that’s broken, you won’t get the same version of me again

Need anyone to turn your life into chaotic hell? I have arrived

You’re never alone when you have C-PTSD

This made me laugh 😂

MAGA coming to the comments to say that Clinton is in the files too

If you’re not ready for the attitude, don’t even approach

I’m more and more convinced that tough macho men, who have the need to show their “alfa” masculinity, are actually trying to hide their gay tendencies

Pretty cool how maga elected the first LGBTQ president

Never thought that Bill Clinton’s dick would end maga

Kinda bored. Gonna text him “Missing you today. The big ones actually hurt”, then ghost again

My hobbies are: wasting my time on the wrong MF and sharing it online with thousands of people. I also like drinking

According to my ex I’m a total monster for not letting him cheat anymore

Please go vote!!! Yes to prop 50, Mamdani for NY, or whatever else is up for voting today. Please show up!!

Me: Not to be an ass about this (loading the final boss of ass comments)

🎶 And I’m freeeee. Freeballing 🎶 Or whatever tf Tom Petty said

Gonna block people randomly just so they start wondering what they did wrong

Due to the economy, for Halloween this year the kids are getting thoughts and prayers

Oh look! It’s FTS o’clock! Happy Friday mofos

Therapist: Tell him what you love about him Me: *Makes eye contact* I love when you don’t speak

I have a lot of gay friends and love everything about them. But what I love the most is that they’re brave and courageous to be exactly who they are! Instead of liking men and marrying women, just to treat them like crap bc you hate them

I know exactly who I am and what I want. Until I have to pick the color of my nails for the next few weeks. So stressful

Fuck the prince! I’ll keep the frog 🐸

Your Honor, in my defense I had an urge to sing along to Bohemian Rhapsody and was looking it up, when this man decided to ride his bicycle right under my car

I really need to stop flirting when I’m bored

Talking about Jesus and acting according to his teachings are two different things. You can pray all you want and still be the most demonic hateful reflection of what he stood against during his existence

Everyone hush up! Hockey game is on and you’re being too noisy

Wipe your hands on your pants after you shake people’s hands. To show you have hygiene

I’m looking forward to next year. It’ll get really ugly before midterms. But I’m hopeful

To everyone I offended this year: Do better next year, so I don’t have to do it again

My healing journey is going great. I’ll be trying to compromise and use my “I statements” one minute, then digging out your dead cat to use it for Halloween decoration the next

I swear that the first MF that answers a presidential debate with “your mom” has my vote

Midterms are approaching. Things will start getting really ugly. Everyone who didn’t vote last elections better get their asses to the voting booth this time!

I’m 95% peaceful these days. But when that 5% mentally unstable superstar comes out, it comes to shine

I didn’t make the rapture for a good reason ~ Me flirting

Your favorite ray of sunshine checking in. Hope your day is as pleasant as you are