This made me laugh 😂

MAGA coming to the comments to say that Clinton is in the files too

If you’re not ready for the attitude, don’t even approach

I’m more and more convinced that tough macho men, who have the need to show their “alfa” masculinity, are actually trying to hide their gay tendencies

Pretty cool how maga elected the first LGBTQ president

Never thought that Bill Clinton’s dick would end maga

Kinda bored. Gonna text him “Missing you today. The big ones actually hurt”, then ghost again

My hobbies are: wasting my time on the wrong MF and sharing it online with thousands of people. I also like drinking

According to my ex I’m a total monster for not letting him cheat anymore

Please go vote!!! Yes to prop 50, Mamdani for NY, or whatever else is up for voting today. Please show up!!

Me: Not to be an ass about this (loading the final boss of ass comments)

🎶 And I’m freeeee. Freeballing 🎶 Or whatever tf Tom Petty said

Gonna block people randomly just so they start wondering what they did wrong

Due to the economy, for Halloween this year the kids are getting thoughts and prayers

Oh look! It’s FTS o’clock! Happy Friday mofos

Therapist: Tell him what you love about him Me: *Makes eye contact* I love when you don’t speak

I have a lot of gay friends and love everything about them. But what I love the most is that they’re brave and courageous to be exactly who they are! Instead of liking men and marrying women, just to treat them like crap bc you hate them

I know exactly who I am and what I want. Until I have to pick the color of my nails for the next few weeks. So stressful

Fuck the prince! I’ll keep the frog 🐸

Your Honor, in my defense I had an urge to sing along to Bohemian Rhapsody and was looking it up, when this man decided to ride his bicycle right under my car

I really need to stop flirting when I’m bored

Talking about Jesus and acting according to his teachings are two different things. You can pray all you want and still be the most demonic hateful reflection of what he stood against during his existence

Everyone hush up! Hockey game is on and you’re being too noisy

Wipe your hands on your pants after you shake people’s hands. To show you have hygiene

I’m looking forward to next year. It’ll get really ugly before midterms. But I’m hopeful

To everyone I offended this year: Do better next year, so I don’t have to do it again

My healing journey is going great. I’ll be trying to compromise and use my “I statements” one minute, then digging out your dead cat to use it for Halloween decoration the next

I swear that the first MF that answers a presidential debate with “your mom” has my vote

Midterms are approaching. Things will start getting really ugly. Everyone who didn’t vote last elections better get their asses to the voting booth this time!

I’m 95% peaceful these days. But when that 5% mentally unstable superstar comes out, it comes to shine

I didn’t make the rapture for a good reason ~ Me flirting

Your favorite ray of sunshine checking in. Hope your day is as pleasant as you are

My not so smart watch decided on its own to call the last person I talked to on the phone while I was in the shower

Sometimes you find people who put up with your shit. And you keep them

It’s not my job to make anyone happy or comfortable

Ends up Puerto Rico is not one of those “3 Mexican countries” Fox News talked about Lol

Gas price is astronomical. Food price is obscene. 5 mass shootings per week. People’s biggest concern: Bad Bunny speaking Spanish at the Super Bowl. SMH!

Can’t wait for the weekend ~ Me at 9:30am on Monday

I’m not a morning person. I’m no longer a night person either. I think I’m just a staying in bed person now

Sush weirdos! It’s hockey time 🏒🥅

If we ever date and your bathroom has a mirror facing the toilet, I’m breaking up

Some days I’m Wonder Woman. Some days I’m Patrick from SpongeBob

Took my clothes off and went to the driveway to wait for the rapture. All I got was someone calling the cops

My phone put together a compilation of sunset pics I’ve taken over the years. And I’ve never realized how many I’ve taken, and how privileged I am to have seen them. It’s the small things for me

There are many things that you can’t control. But focus on what’s your most powerful asset that you CAN control. And it’s your spending money. Be intentional. Don’t feed the pockets of those who don’t like you. Financial boycott is power!

It is mind numbing that they put a heroin addict with brain worms in charge of national health. Now he doesn’t understand that autism has spiked bc it’s finally being diagnosed. Meanwhile, people are dying daily of drug OD and he’s out there trying to dehumanize people on the spectrum instead

The lack of luck that I had in my love life, I had in friendships. I have some of the best friends anyone could ever ask for, and for that I’m really grateful

Looking for a man who sends sympathy texts every morning before I start working. Like “I’m so sorry you have to go through this, beautiful princess”

I think I heavily underestimated the level of mental illness of people on the other platform. It’s actually bizarre

Life is too short to be boring. Cheers mofos!