Kash Patel's most endearing quality is that he always looks like the guy in mob movies who's obviously The Snitch & is doing a real bad job acting like he's not The Snitch around the other goons

well *that* is a lede www.newyorker.com/news/the-led...

The latest strategy in the campaign to butch up the armed forces: no viral loads refused

It must have felt so good back in the day lacing up a big ol pair of boxing gloves and going toe-to-toe with a gloved-up kangaroo. The sweet science with the Apollo Creed of the animal kingdom—has there ever been a more noble athletic endeavor?

As an aside, possibly my favourite Onion gag of all time:

As I see the word #taco trending on Bluesky right now, let me remind you that this piece of shit threatened the annihilation of a country a few weeks ago. Stop with the taco shit. Not everything is a meme. This shit is serious.

They couldn’t make Real Genius today because audiences would be confused why a bunch of nerds would sabotage selling their technology to the military-industrial complex

Being a playwright rules because I get to listen to actors come up w/ interpretations of what I've written that are both wrong AND better than what I had originally come up with, so I get to pretend I meant to do it like that all along and look like a genius

the Boots Riley discourse on twitter isn't going far enough imo. if you're actually a leftist, you shouldn't even be *watching* movies and television. the only way to actually be a Marxist is to live in a big tank like a guild navigator in Dune so that you can spend 24 hours a day posting

Congrats to Bill for locking down that coveted Crytkeeper gig for the reboot

gulf war fits

Oh, the FORM Arcosanti lineup is looking pretty good this year, let's see how much the tickets are- LMAO, nope, not a fucking chance

With the help of the Sandy Hook families, The Onion has reached a long-awaited deal to take over InfoWars. We've enlisted the help of @timheidecker.bsky.social, who will be InfoWars' Creative Director. Please stand by for more.

Coachella is trying to wipe all of the footage of The Strokes protest set so I’m gonna post it here. The last images on the screen made me cry.

some of you are looksmaxxing when you need to be booksmaxxing

Guy designing the Nostromo: However many chains you think we need on the ship, double--then triple that number and that's what we'll put in the ship's chain room. Assistant: Yes, sir. And the chains are dry, of course? Designer: You're fired

Amazing that in the national divorce the libs are getting the NFL, butter and cooking oil, being attracted to adult women, standup comedy, Bud Light, and now also Catholicism

Right-wingers can’t do comedy right because if they really wanted to take shots at Zohran they should be dissing his rap career. Doctoring fake Pitchfork scores, interviewing a alleged “staffer” who was forced to listen to all the mayor’s mixtapes and annotate them on Genius, that sort of thing now

There should be a legacy sequel to PUMP UP THE VOLUME where teens learn the story of Hard Harry, track him down living off the grid in the mountains, slowly convince him that his voice is needed and he emerges to conquer the podcast game. But immediately says something horrible and gets cancelled.

The mid-credit sequence virgin (superhero movies): hey it’s Captain Easter Egg, Leader of the Expositions The mid-credit sequence Chad (The Pitt): karaoke party

Oh shit- you're telling me he made enough in royalties to not even cover a month's rent in NYC? Crazy.

this morning, mamdani’s team got in touch with me to float a new tax proposal: if your net worth exceeds $5 million and you dress badly, you’ll be hit with a 10% annual levy for “visual pollution.” i would be in charge of deciding if the outfits are bad.

The Street Fighter trailer looks very stupid but the kind of stupid that could either be really fun or total ass- a kind of Schrodinger's stupid we'll have to stick with until it comes out and the quantum state can resolve

Kevin Smith dresses like a man who's been afflicted with an ancient Romani curse that will kill him instantly if he even onces dresses like an adult. Don't even THINK about not putting on shorts so voluminous you could smuggle a fax machine in them, the dark spirits of vengeance will strike you down

I'm not saying someone should spam five Tombstone Piledrivers in a row on Golden, put him through a flaming table, drag him dead center in the ring and send him to the shadow realm with a devastating Conchairto but I'm not not saying it

“The pope should be careful before talking theology” is just extraordinary stuff. Top-shelf. You write one book that gets turned into a Ron Howard movie and suddenly you’re nailing your manifesto to the cathedral doors.

Adult converts to Catholicism in the U.S. make more sense once you realize they’re trying to apply customer-is-always-right brain to religion and bumping hard against the immovable wall of You Picked The One Religion Where You Can’t Argue With Management

I love getting credit score updates in my email. It's cool, guys, my credit has been a smoking impact crater for the better part of a decade, I have made my peace with it, there's me dead center in the crater burnt crispy with big blinking eyes like Wile E. Coyote after the TNT blows

No way it'll happen but the Pope excommunicating JD Vance would be the funniest thing to happen this year. I'd have to call out sick because the laughing would have me immobilized, helpless, splashing around in a puddle of my joyous tears

Best films of the 2020's so far: Magic Spot Drive My Car Bad Luck Banging Memoria Open Doom Crescendo Benedetta Cloud Tár Bloody Nose, Empty Pockets Furiosa I Saw The TV Glow Hundreds of Beavers

Hell yeah, nine more plagues and my parlay hits

ChatGPT: you’re right you’re so much smarter than him. He’s so schlubby and you’re so suave. Columbo will never catch you.

you shouldn’t learn about bands from shady TikTok manipulation, you should learn about bands by hanging out with a girl you like but are also extremely afraid of

I know the discourse is moving at warp speed and yesterday is already ancient history but fuck I am still losing it over “the Pope is weak on crime.” I feel like Cartman in that one episode where he saw something so funny it ruined his ability to find anything else funny.

It’s profoundly ignorant to suggest that the Pope should be fighting crime on behalf of the Catholic Church. Anyone who was remotely familiar with Roman Catholicism would know that that’s what Daredevil is for

Again, it's deeply unfortunate that the craziest and dumbest President in American history is also our funniest

Setting my "days without Trump doing some Nicolae Carpathia from Left Behind shit" counter to zero.

You're laughing? The Pope is weak on crime and you're laughing

We need a Pope who is STRONG on crime. Who drives the mean streets at night in a Popemobile, striking down evildoers with crossarangs, accompanied by his trusty Choirboy sidekick, the skyline lit up with a silhouette of his hat, battling his archnemesis The Laughing Atheist

A silver lining to the descent into madness that 2026 has been is the hilarious development of Pope Leo becoming the Newman to Trump's Jerry

*the most annoying person alive* I think of myself as politically unhoused

I’m afraid that negotiations with the women who are Lysistrata’ing me are at an impasse, which leaves me no choice but to Lysistrata myself

Owning a pet is a series of $400 vet bills where the diagnosis is “your pet is on one rn”

howling, big cartoon wolf eyes, steam pouring out of my ears