my high school self would be surprised I’m not here posting about a crush

How many people can you say you truly loved romantically?

*clicks on playlist titled Quietly Falling Apart*

making meatballs and resisting patriarchy

Charles Dickens was probably wild in the sack

*flirting* No, baby, you're depressed

I'm witty but I'm not intellectual and I doubt I needed to explain that

Kylie Jenner Photographed Wearing Amulet Containing Imprisoned Timothée Chalamet https://theonion.com/kylie-jenner-photographed-wearing-amulet-containing-imprisoned-timothee-chalamet/

new year, same me. still fabulous.

”I don’t normally post AI but..” how about you fucking don’t? Problem solved.

The only upside to AI is how ppl are gonna start realizing how much better fairytales & mythology are than all that mindless slop

The love of my life is out there squinting their eyes in the darkness on the way to the bathroom and running into walls

it’s just me and the music i decide to have on repeat all week

Some people use their power & money to make others miserable. …some make more Muppets. God bless Seth Rogen. #TheMuppetShow

My skeets are bad? No, no, no. This is what happens with no draft folder, my guy

god, there is never any time to recover from the world

My therapist just told me to limit my social media activity. I guess what I'm trying to say is, does anyone know a good therapist?

Jon Stewart: America's real "sanctuary city" is the one protecting elites from any accountability

Forgetting I have Apple Cash money is the closest I’ll ever feel to generational wealth

Ordered one thing online and now every ad is like: “HELLO. WOULD YOU LIKE 400 MORE OF THAT EXACT OBJECT”

what if I just disappear into the mountains?

LMFT means licensed mothman fanatic therapist.

I'll write you a love poem on the back of a McDonald's grease stained napkin because I'm a fucking romantic and...it'll be worth millions one day. You can look back at the framed grease poem and say "I knew him when..." You're welcome.

Oh, we don't go to that Coinstar. That's the haunted one

if you say mmmm I love it even though you don’t love it, it’s salad.

I'm feeling very bitey today

The rich and powerful would have you believe that it is impossibly difficult to avoid continual business and social contact with a known criminal and pedophile. "I mean, what did you expect us to do, cut Epstein off completely?"

As someone who has more issues than most magazine publishers, my sense of humor is doing a lot of heavy lifting lately

I will whisk you off your feet, but keep in mind that I will be using an actual whisk.

Me, during any work meeting

No, I don't need a hug... I just need someone to watch horror movies with me.

once they discovered you could make a Dorito into a taco shell the world was changed forever. things would never be the same

The freedom felt when not weighed down by extraneous crotch fabric

the long and winding road head

but are you “I still love you even after you burned the roof off my mouth off” in love with pizza

somewhere there’s a guy who passed around faces of death on vhs in the early ’90s, and i feel like he’s free tonight.

As I get older I've come to realize there is no position I can be in without some part of my body falling asleep.

It’s no coincidence that when you look at tree branches against a winter sky they look just like veins eagerly waiting to pump blood again

I can't even with you, only odd.

Feelings live in our skin

that unsent message will haunt me

Waiting for the moon to rise

The people that raw dog life without a screen protector on their phone scare me

My insecurities go back so far, they come with wood paneling.

Givin everyone only now finding out the Illuminati is real a lil forehead kiss cause they’re adorable

You’d think I would have found some happiness by now with all the shit I spend my money on