I hustled too hard and now I’m being accused of slack evasion.

I jumped out the bathroom window when he shouted "Here's Johnny" and now I'm being accused of axe evasion.

Just when you thought things couldn't get worse they started saying "welcome in" at stores

I tried staying off of joke bsky and now I’m being accused of cracks evasion.

I let my body hair grow and now I’m being accused of wax evasion.

Me: you're probably going to hate yourself if you do that Also me: way ahead of you

You are not fully developed at 25. You are fully developed when the lyrics to “Against the Wind” make sense to you.

why does my brain want to start the day in the middle of the night

This is not an inspirational account. Punch someone if you need to

I like to welcome the holiday season by turning off the voicemail function on my phone

I got things to ignore and people to avoid.

clothing: hand wash only me tossing it into the washing machine: may the odds be ever in your favor

What am I doing for the holidays? I don’t even know when I’m going to bed

Big Sad is wild because it convinces you getting out of bed is a side quest you’re under-level for

The fuck is a jingle horse

Can't..I'm in a situationship with myself.

The creation myth of cats is called Genesispspspsps.

Unfortunately, it appears I’ll survive this year.

hearing a crunch as I sit "I found my glasses"

Words can hurt, so choose your words wisely you fuckin piece of shit

Thinking about kissing the side walk from a high rise on NYE. Idk. What are your plans?

I don’t “rise and shine.” I regain consciousness and immediately regret it

Hibernating through the holidays.

My resting heart rate is “did I leave the stove on?”

DID MY MIXTAPE MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?!?

I like to scare people away with the truth.

im unhinged from time like a good Exile

Is it righty-tighty or do you just see more in them than they have to offer you?

That Monday night mixtape though

Oh yay, another week to make it through

What’s a good water to have for beginners? I’ve never had a water before

they can all be bangers if you people would just lower your standards

Sometimes, you have to lay in a ditch about it.

There comes a time as a 40 something year old woman where you have to ask yourself do I need a decorative holiday shower curtain and the answer is yes

Hey sis, if you used a lighter to warm up your eyeliner, it’s time for your mammogram. 🩷

Please feed me to a carnivorous plant.

Screaming "epiphany" every time I have a thought.

Burnt my finger tips cooking a perfect time for a crime spree.

What doesn't kill you, make you darkly sarcastic.

The guy who invented the word ‘gobble’ should be allowed to invent more things

gimme yule gimme fire don me now with gay attire

I don’t hold grudges. I just never forget anything ever in my entire life.

‘Nonplussed’? You mean, moreminussed?

lolololol is also known as an internet chortle

idea: we skip straight from tomorrow to january 1

"Home Alone" is a "Die Hard" movie.

Bread monkey. A monkey that brings you bread. Maybe he bakes it too, we'll come back to that.

stretching my brain after a dormant period fucking hurts

my compulsion to keep a tidy feed means I don't just reskeet you, i meticulously place each of your skeets on display. ⭐️👌

How do I monetize my indifference?