A trap where Jigsaw makes you read the top news headlines from the day

Hamburger help us all

Red light therapy except it’s me lying on a krispy kreme conveyor belt

Lauren Boebert sounds like the name a kid named Robert would make up if someone asked him who his girlfriend is

can never spell acetopmehftemfphen right on the first try

The password for my rapture bunker is acetaminophen

first date idea: i explain all of my playlists to you

Dropping something is a classic gag. Whoops! Lol.

sprinkling crushed tylenol over your salad for a little extra crunch

Microdosing illiteracy by watching a press conference

Putting red dye 40 on my Tylenol before I relax in my seed oil bath

[t-shirt idea] Got raptured and all I got was this religious psychosis

Let me just check my calendar first [opens box of chocolates]

it’s not just his head it’s his whole body his name should just be mr potato

Time for my sleepytime tee [swallows shirt]

A hide-a-key rock except it’s human sized and for me and I never come out

i think jesus has too much merch

The best part of my nighttime routine is the extended 13 minute guttural scream into my pillow

Hit my step goal today pacing around anxiously at the thought of going to the gym

*double taps Congress* is this thing on?

You're talking about RFK Jr’s monster. RFK Jr is the name of the evil scientist who created him by banning vaccines.

[first day as a 911 operator] okay spill the beans I promise I won’t tell

klonopin zero sugar

Mentally I'm at a tiny table in a tex mex restaurant dreading the arrival of the fajitas

You're talking about RFK Jr’s monster. RFK Jr is the name of the evil scientist who created him by banning vaccines.

I’m actually a single strand of uncooked spaghetti that a witch gave the chance at being a real boy

chatgpt just reads everyones diaries and thinks it knows reality

[god making 2025] what if everything was super expensive and evil

try that on a small clown

Cute little purse. Be a shame if you had to get something out of it.

Sorry I can’t stay I need to get home and make up fake scenarios of everyone talking shit about me after I leave

Me: [as a ghost, watching chalk line being drawn around my body after being murdered] that is mostly water retention

Why would I need a journal when I can just talk to myself on dating apps

The inside of my EpiPen is a push pop

(pointing at my bed like sleepy Babe Ruth)

What do people with read receipts turned on want from us

I put on my pants just like everyone else: contemplating how one day everyone I’ve ever loved will die

deleting brings me closer to god

thing everyone likes is bad, says lame asshole

The lobotomy was unsuccessful so I’ve decided to start posting again

[first day as a 911 operator] okay now explain it to me like I’m 5

[flirting] yeah we can go back to my place I live in an abandoned Auntie Anne’s mall kiosk

I miss when we used to have those little automated coupon dispensers at the grocery store and a functioning congress

I’m one self-checkout kiosk away from a cataclysmic crash out

Best Buy’s layout is like “here damn have some electronics”

When Shakespeare said these violent delights have violent ends he was talking about flirting with a man in Oakleys and a bucket hat

let the record reflect that the stenographer is dead. shit. wait.

I’m trying to start a cheese based cult I envisioned in a dream

Its swimsuit season, I whisper, eating another swimsuit