[opens book and takes a deep sniff under a flickering lamp post] Literacy? I haven’t heard that name in years

Seeing a bat is so exciting even more so when it flies out of your underpants

America first, but Argentina firstest

Starting to develop a pavlovian response [violent retching] to the word unprecedented

Government shutdown? More like government shut up AM I RIGHT FELLAS HAHAH PLEASE WE’VE SUFFERED ENOUGH

I love telling people in their 20s that I’ve lived many lives like a melancholic vampire

Pete Hegseth would rather make everyone in the military be beardless, skinny, and spiteful than just admit he’s into twinks

truth or dare or a secret third thing

Invite your crush over and trap them in a magic painting

Those are my tears chat

The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.

I’ve decided I want to go with the traditional approach and have my skeleton turned into a xylophone after I die

you should probably clean up all this existential dread, we’ve got company coming over later

[at my second rodeo] listen up you ignorant sack of shit

Took a vow to be mediocre.

petition to get more people to agree with me

Call your senator and crawl out of their phone like Samara from The Ring

biblically accurate gas station pizza

Those aren’t dirty dishes in my sink that’s A.I.

Hot people are now banned sorry hot people kick rocks

Sent a pigeon through the tube at the bank. Boy were they surprised

Okay I’ll bite what’s a gym?

My self-care is sitting on the edge of my bed wrapped in towels for 45 minutes air drying like a sad gargoyle

I would like a stick of TUMS where I could whittle a little slice.

Im gay because my mom drank vodka sodas while she was pregnant

Those are my emotional support keyboard crumbs

Thrilled to report I’ve just about had it

My favorite excel shortcut is the one where I smash my head into the keyboard until I pass out and forget I’m using excel

I don’t like being passive aggressive I’d rather tell someone exactly how I feel with letters cut out of a magazine

near-death experience but with ads

[on my deathbed] i really wish i had sat very still and not been bothered more

The haunted doll I got at a flea market has killed again, but it's so darn cute I just can't stay mad at it.

And for my next trick I’ll disappear but not really I just get overwhelmed texting people back

Dillydally would be a beautiful name for a baby girl

If you’re in line to be raptured, STAY IN LINE!!!

Going to bed early tonight so I can get a solid 8 hours of self-diagnosing in

Jigsaw in 2024: I want to play a game. Live or die the choice is yours. Deciding is as simple as choosing your next meal which has never been easier thanks to this video’s sponsor HelloFresh

Rt if you have an ass that just won’t quit. It refuses to be forced out for demanding a livable wage. It’s unionizing.

Hot girl walk is a really ineffective method we should probably just stick to stop drop and roll

*sweaty, out of breath, shaking a sparkling cane and sequined bowler hat in both hands* So I’m good to go? Cashier: Not that kind of tap.

"well aren't you in a good mood," he complained.

Science question: I’ve been in Hell for 8 months—why do my hair and nails keep growing?

I wish I knew the difference between heartburn and a cardiac event

The good news is that we'll never know the truth about anything ever again