Will someone email my boss? I don’t like this job.

You can just add "tober" to the end of any word to imply a connection to Halloween. It doesn't have to be a spooky word. You can do Cuddletober. No one's stopping you.

Me: Is your person a gentle and generous lover, a kind and sensual soul whose capacity to love is matched only by their desire to satisfy in bed? Her: This is why I don't play Guess Who with you.

Tatiana Maslany in Orphan Black is outright incredible.

whats a tankie. is it not a slur for people who keep fish aquariums. please do not actually answer this

someone has had too much of the sauce 😏🤣💛🐝💞

Fuck man, what a day and it's only lunchtime…

My supervisor really does not like it when I refer to him as my little paypig.

I was held captive by a Mime troop. They…. They did unspeakable things.

Being scared to socialize because people might think you’re a commie.

Winning the war on drugs by not calling everything drugs

Assert dominance by cropdusting the grocery store checkout line

List 3 things you can talk about for 3 hours without preparation. 1. Horses 2. Dogs 3. Animals in general

Angelina 2014-2025 💔💔 Not mine, but mine enough.

me: ugh I have a bunch of shit to do later I better get stoned me later: I'm too stoned for this shit

who up quietly fingering their phones

“where’d that bruise come from” and other adhd tales

I hope I never get a case of the normies.

thanks to tylenol I became a skeetaholic

Stephen Miller’s wife Katie referred to him as a “sexual matador” so if you’re listening, giant asteroids, now would be a good time to hurl yourselves towards the earth and end our misery

my scream, your void

Me: I can taste and smell letters. Her: You have synesthesia? Me: No, I’m eating alphabet soup.

Fuck, Marry, Kill: Edit button, Draft folder, Locked accts

I thought the rapture happened in 2012 and this was hell. So, I’m pretty out of loop.

Unlock a random memory to show who you are: I used to hold gymnastics competitions for all my dolls and stuffed toys and I made and rewarded them with paper ribbons and I still have those ribbons somewhere.

My parents' dog is so very sick now, and I feel awful. I know I have paid excellent attention to her and been on top of everything but I still feel like I missed stuff or I should’ve acted faster. Was up all night, took her to the vet at 3:30 in the morning. Now waiting for the vet to call me.

We're all just doing the best we can right now, okay?

I’ve taken way too much Tylenol in my lifetime to give up my dumb hobbies just because we’re doing a fascism.

is it a bird is it a plane is it the loss of my ability to recognize everyday objects

We treat high fevers in the ICU with Tylenol and we don't make patients "tough it out" because that can be dangerous. Hope this helps.

Could you shut the fuck up? Sorry, that's not in my programming.

got my little treat a little treat as a little treat

Wouldn't you like to help a great poster out on their actual Birthday?? Get Kat to 18k or it's going to be everyone's problem

Guys, I might have taken too much Tylenol

Lacking moral fiber? Introducing Moralmucil. Ad executive: how did you get this number?

Let’s FACE it, Doris wasn’t going to lose her luggage, ever again

[spelling bee] Your word is 'bananas' Gwen Stefani: *whispering to herself* c'mon Gwen, you know this

when a group of shitposters hang out irl it’s a pooarty

Jesus Christ and the church of later boarding saints

Maybe we're just in a later rapture boarding group.

Come on Leela is only 5 away from 1k let this girl live already jeez!

I have the same reaction to a ringing phone.

Kimmy Jimmel is on again, and I'm still not watching. I just want to know that he is there, and able to speak freely.

Why you might want to question blindly following anyone, but in this instance specifically Mueller She Wrote.

Maybe she’s born with it Maybe it’s Tylenol

I realize that logistically this may be difficult

Something I think we’re not talking about enough with all this autism bullshit is how, no matter what, it’s always blamed on the pregnant mother.

You’re a fucking nerd. C’mere.