I lose followers the old fashioned way by blocking people.

was it ever okay to do the macarena

My best friend who is 9 years younger than me uses her phone like an old person. She never checks texts, her voicemail is always full, AND she wants to talk on it.

the person who named the Woolly Mammoth should’ve been able to name more things

My school division’s main page’s URL starts with P-O-R and I’m just saying that’s a bold choice for a Catholic district.

we go together like kink and mental disorders

I put my ring on my index finger and now I’m bi.

Ok but we all agree that the boot shaped McNugget is the best McNugget right

The papers in my laptop bag are nobody’s business, least of all mine.

It’s my birthday I can use dark humor as a valid coping mechanism if I want to 🎶

Can't sleep, thinking about inventing a Christmas tree star with an attachment that's actually shaped for the top of the tree, which is generally a single tall branch and not cone-shaped. Do these manufacturers even know what the top of a tree looks like?

Murder She Wrote, which was impressive but also pretty terrifying bc she was a baby

I don’t care about verification but some validation would be nice as a treat

IT IS 3:30 A.M. AND I AM HERE TO ASK WHERE THE HELL ALL THE URINE IS COMING FROM IF I'VE GOTTEN UP TO PEE THREE TIMES BUT HAVEN'T HAD A SINGLE SIP.

no i'm not doing the heart hands thing i'm miming that i need you to bring me a burger

the world will burn your fingers while it frostbites your toes

Maybe the real rabbit hole was the rabbits we met along the way

[after sex] oh cuss, sorry I thought you were someone else

Last time that i was told that i had to fulfill the prophecy i was all nah man

I think the person who sends the Shein emails is in love with me.

I got 95% on my assignment!

I worked hard all day I did all the things I wore my grown up clothes AND I didn’t swear (around the children) where is my damn gold star

speed dating but it’s just a scholastic book fair for adults

i secretly want someone who is six years older than me

When the kids are old enough that the “Santa’s watching” threat doesn’t work anymore

Who up almost choking to death on they acid reflux?

Teach a man-fish to fish and he'll blblblblbl Teach fish-man to man and office job hate Mondays for big tiddy goth garfield

Imagine sex with me. Wrong. More Five Guys.

In the midst of a Thanksgiving food prep panic I accidentally called the Butterbean Hotline and a giant boxing glove popped out of my phone and knocked me out cold. 10/10, would recommend.

If I'm being honest I stopped circling back like 5 years ago

Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper...something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.

Orders a Xanax martini for breakfast.

How do people wear white shirts to work? I didn’t even make it to the kitchen before I had a smudge in mine!

It snowed today, a lot. Each winter morning, people who live in a land of ice and snow, get in their cars and drive as if experiencing winter for the 1st time. Today was that day.

Licks bacon grease off phone screen. Continues posting.

Never get involved in a land war in Asia, Charlie Brown.

you smell like blueberries and sadness wanna hang out?

There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.

the only crushes i have are orange

Hot singles in your area but it’s just me unwrapping cheese slices.

answering spam calls with the tusken raider battle cry

A “smooth criminal” is just a criminal who is well moisturized.

Kiss me, I’m an asshole.

Might fuck around and be an asshole today.

OnlyFans but it’s just me minding my own business.

If you’re wondering the kinds of things we are able to pick up when you donate to the #LittleWheelsBigHearts Venmo, tonight I found this huge and awesome Monster Truck track set for $16! Want to help us get more awesome deals like this? Donate here: venmo.com/u/Dale-Grant-3