Some of you think you still have time; I thought the same when I was your age.

ugh, my dashboard is gas lighting me

My elderly mom is getting confused. Her pet name for me now is Princess which is also the name of her Shih Tzu.

Any holiday playlist missing Nat King Cole’s A Christmas Song is chestnut the same.

Final Score, Wicked For Good Nothing.

Not now baby. I’m watching videos of baked goods rising in ovens.

Felt cute. Feeling healthy.

Don't tell me "you'll really like these people".... I'll totally prove you wrong

It's the Mission Impossible theme tune except it's just me trying to get from my car to my house without being trapped for chit chat with a gossipy neighbour

Finger guns, clapping, violent hugging. Like I’m trying to take you down.

I’m bored. The only solution is to purchase a bunch of random shit off the internet.

My therapist challenged me to host a get together in my actual home and now I’m nauseous.

If you're going to use AI to make music, at least make your own new music, not this kind of shit.

Bank of America proudly introduces the Heirloom Mortgage: so good, you'll hand it down to your children. If they qualify.

Having sex in your sixties requires you to become an expert in low-impact aerobics.

My headboard doesn't bang against the wall anymore. It just occasionally knocks my pill organizer onto the floor.

My wife could give a TED Talk on the clitoris. It's about location, location, location.

A beard ride would fix me.

*sitting on his beard* I’m just here for the ride.

the first 24-48hrs are critical for finding Waldo

the important thing is that Waldo finds himself

Him: Tell me something you’ve learned in the last six months. Me: Jerking off with coconut oil is fuckin awesome. Him: I don’t think you’re a good fit for this position. Me: No problemo. But try it, seriously. Like, wow.

Do I need a puffy vest? I feel like I need a puffy vest.

If you keep saying that your life was on inside out the whole time you're gonna start believing in tags

I don't wear any intentional fragrances, but I just passed a dude who smelled like a library, so I'm reconsidering.

I live in mortal fear of mispronouncing pecan in public.

*sees the light* *goes to the light* *turns on the light* *sleeps with the light* *the light goes out* *the light won’t return my texts*

I'm packing up my crayons and going home

I don't open Adult Content links because I know what adults contain

Revenge Of The Sith/Seven

Happy No Nut November to all those who celebrate.

Limbering up for the annual avi change.

more like serotonOUT amiright folks

The Sin of This Sunday is calling you spouse by your side piece's name...

If you are not willing to meet me in a hotel room, there is no reason to DM me...

please dingleberry was my father’s name call me dingus

I'm never at my best this early in the millennium.

is it take a nap, it’s take a nap isn’t it

According to my bank account, lol get fucked

I just went back and read a couple weeks of my posts and I’ve got to say you guys are lucky to have me here.

The only thing that stands between you and your dreams are all the things you suck at

Once you have over a thousand followers here, you can die a success. You guys go first

Clinky clinky mother fuckers.

Girls night out obligatory selfie. Happy Saturday friends ❤️

Me: Hey man, congrats on getting laid last night! *goes up for a high five* Banana slug in a diaper bandage: Fuck you.

maybe she needs a tourniquet, or maybe it’s Maybelline

Listen. Real talk. If you don’t dip your bacon and/or sausage in your pancake syrup, are you really living a full life?

do you guys think I should update my pfp to something more seasonal, like a closeup of my turkey neck

Sick of the rat race man. These rats are fast as shit. Tired of losing.