It would be funny if, at the last minute, Trump forced his whole cabinet into the cage to fight to the death. The last one standing gets to kick Vance in the balls.

Did my longest road ride ever today - 91.6kms (that’s 57 miles for you non-metric weirdos) and I can still walk! This calls for a beer or two!

What's your sign?

Instead of a smoothie, how about a roughiie? A glass of food you choke down whole?

My grandma always told me not to get hit by a Mack truck. Always a Mack truck. She was very loyal to that brand.

My feeding tube got a blockage so i destroyed my habitat again.

I think this company should hire me. I’d make an excellent tata consultant.

False Friday is the worst. I usually jam with friends on Thursday night, but due to other obligations we played last night so today feels like Friday but it's not and I'm sad.

It's watch photography day! 📷 Canon EOS 6D mkIII / Canon Macro 100mm #productphotography #commercialphotography #studiophotography #watches #auctionhouse

“Phone call for Amanda Lorian! Is Amanda Lorian here?”

One day, Ma, just you wait and see! One day I’m gonna make it, okay Ma, and then you’ll see - I ain’t nobody! One day I’m gonna be in a Skircle!

This looks suspiciously like the one in my pocket right now, down to the initials on the inside! 😁 I couldn’t be happier with it - an absolute quality piece from someone who took the time to get it just right. As long as I don’t lose it, this will be the last wallet I own.

Show us how you've changed. Me at 19 and me at 56.

Ooops! I accidentally deleted my anniversary post while trying to add this picture of my wife and I at Embassy Bar in Kensington Market after we couldn’t get in to the fancy hotel bar we wanted to go to. After this we went for fish’n’chips…

Ah yes, the unmistakeable sound of a WWII fighter plane on a Friday morning means Doug is listening to The Wall for the 2385th time.

A reminder that not everyone wants to have their own kids! Some of us are luring other people's offspring into confectionery-based cottages in woodland clearings to cook and eat them and that's just as valid

The trick is to have enough stuff going on in your life that you can go online and be like I don’t have time for any of this shit but not so much stuff going on in your life that it prevents you from going online for 17 or 18 hours a day

big fan of google's AI definition "well the meaning depends on if you meant an entirely fucking different word"

Thinking about an online encounter with a man recently. He was obsessed with the notion that bad things happen in public restrooms. It’s true! I was in a restroom once where three girls threatened to beat me up if I couldn’t name the members of Led Zeppelin. I did and they let me go.

Opening a portal at work...

Ten years ago today she laughed and roared her way into our hearts. Tonight, bring your bandoliers and join me and Chewbacca Mom at Hacienda for the tenth anniversary Chewbacchanalia.

You can just shout "my car's here" and run out of most social situations

GIVEAWAY! Dead Weight is coming out next week and to celebrate I'm giving away two copies that have been personally bitten by Uggi and will be personally signed by me and shipped to the winners wherever they live! To enter just like and share this post and I'll select the winners on May 26th!

I'm down to eat the rich, but to be honest, if I ever got that hungry I'd probably go for a poor person. They're much easier to catch.

Flute Manhawk reporting for lilac sniffing duty!

I use it to carry a shrimp for snacking on when I get hungry.

that tiny pocket in your jeans is to tuck away the insecurities for later

I’m starting to think I might get more respect on the road if my car’s horn didn’t play Chuck Mangione’s “Feels So Good” every time I honked at someone.

Ow! I just got a tortilla chip in my eye!

Seems like a disadvantage if you ask me…

Nothing like capping off a +50km bike ride with a nice cold shower beer.

Looksmaxxing? Not me, friend. Meet me at the library where I'll be booksmaxxing.

One of my co-workers just said I was "easily depressed".

Parker Posey? I barely know 'er!

People make fun of me for carrying a briefcase, but when I show them that it's filled with a series of incrementally smaller briefcases tucked into one another like Russian dolls they stop laughing, and start looking for an excuse to leave.

My new grumpy old man exclamation I'm going to be trying out is, "What in the corn cob?" As in, "What in the corn cob is going on?" or "What in the corn cob is that?" or my favorite, "What in the corn cob is going on?"

If we all lean back really hard at the same time we can make the train pop a wheelie

Heads up to all the busy authors out there working on your books: if you were thinking of embedding in your novel an overarching and insightful allegory of some kind, don’t bother for my sake — I never notice.

The internet went down while I was right in the middle of clipping my left big toenail with my new smart nail clippers so it only got halfway done and it just ripped a hole in my sock.

Gary appreciated having the opportunity to choose his own ad experience while simultaneously delaying continuation of his favorite show.

I told my mom I want to be born again and she looked so terrified.

Writing tip: Before submitting your manuscript, read it aloud to yourself from beginning to end. Then go to the refrigerator and open its door. If the manuscript is good, all the potatoes will have turned into birds who fly out singing your name.

My pal Eerie Gary told me that when Sir Isaac Newton discovered dinosaurs he wanted to call them ‘Gravity Monsters’

The Pink Floyd song ‘A Pillow of Winds’ is about my butt.

How does a motherfucker keep a shirt tucked in?? It keeps untucking itself!

learning feng shui to blame the furniture for my issues

if you’ve ever had a hawk circling overhead and you heard them screech it’s because they looked at your hair

Got a bit of peanut butter on my shirt and I'm thinking of submitting it for consideration to the Venice Biennale.