Going to see these guys tomorrow for the first time! Been a fan since the 90’s so they’d better be good! ;) #dirtythree youtube.com/watch?v=NzoA...

Death by a thousand cuties

Look, don't take it personally, but fuck the USA.

my neighbor says that he is not a genie yet every time i rub his house he comes outside

If the Iranians really want to fuck with us they should offer to open the straights in return for Trump’s resignation.

In real estate terms, is an apocalypse a buyer's market or a seller's market?

Ran into my ex’s new guy while hiding behind a tree near his office.

What channel is the apocalypse going to be on?

Has anyone checked in on all the millionaires that fled New York when Mamdani got elected to see how they're doing?

This day in history. 1996. Subhana Barzaghi became the first female zen roshi teacher in Australia. At the time she commented "Was in the dunny when I got the word and fuck yeah I was so excited I had to lay a second cable."

There's nothing like a bag of fresh dog poo to warm your hands with on a chilly spring morning.

Has anyone opened a weed shop called Insta-Gram?

Who up roasting they nuts?

My son Grand Moff Bob just tried his first oyster and gave us two thumbs up!

In order to be a bit more informed about soccer (football whatevs) before World Cup madness descends on Toronto this summer I need clarification - I know the players can’t touch the ball with their hands but can they carry it in their mouth like a dog? #worldcup2026

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. But it’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.

My least woke opinion is "I should hit the snooze button again."

many people are trying to assassinate me for my controversial views (i 𝘤𝘢𝘯 believe it's not butter)

The whole save the turtles thing was really the last straw for me.

Is it weird that I really enjoy washing my hands? I love the feeling of water - hot or cold, doesn't matter - running over them, and can almost bliss out in front the sink when I'm cleaning them. 😐

Lol-ing in the office thanks to @rubenbolling.bsky.social today 😂

Goddammit! I busted my feather roach clip and won't be able to get another one until the fair comes to town at the end of summer. 😢

61% horn, 39% swoggle

I met a girl named Ariel yesterday. She said her parents told her that if she had been born a boy, she was going to be named Antenna.

*quietly beatboxing as the sales assistant cuts me out of a pair of skinny jeans

My two most used phrases when walking my dogs are “Let’s go!” and “What the fuck are you eating??”

When I say "Gitchee!", you say "Gumee!" Got it? Let's go! GITCHEE!

I'm a busy cosmopolitan on the go, I don't have time to make a salad. So when I want a salad, I just bite into the head of lettuce like it's an apple then squirt the dressing directly into my mouth.

*174,908 b.c.* caveman 1: it came to me in a dream last night, so i built it. i call it the automated teller machine. theoretically, it can be an easy way to deposit, withdraw or transfer money. caveman 2: why does it say insufficient funds?

🎶I want a girl with a small head and biiiiiiiig earmuffs🎶

WAITER: You're married with a kid when you could be having fun with me. So, what'll it be, sir? CUSTOMER: Can I hear the specials again?

Hmm, my teeth seem to have stopped working.

Star Wars - The Empire Strikes Back: X Rated version (1980)

I don't fault my wife for taking wintertime lovers as I hibernate. She is a hot blooded woman, any wife of mine must be, and I am at rest. I do dislike like the cheeky ones who still try to get a visit in when I've already started waking from my torpor. I have risen, begone until November Casanova.

All my tattoos are AI.

My favorite childhood memory is remembering why I walked into a room.

Every night I must tune into the gurgling of the bog to go to sleep and every night my Orc husband must drown it out with the sound of his incessant trudging and scraping of his stone club along the ground 😒

Upgrade to paid? Sorry, that sounds like the opposite of an upgrade. An upgrade would be making it all free.

Vocal fry so bad you offer the Heimlich Manoeuvre.

This is who runs this account:

The Council of Mamas vote unanimously to knock you out

March 18th, aka Dodging Puddles of Green Puke on the Sidewalk Day.

The eyes are the windows to the soul but the soul is a fetid alleyway.

William Tell shooting the apple off the sun's head.

If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough, you can pretend you have laser-eyes

Current earworm... Hen Ogledd - Sky Burial youtu.be/mBA5QY1SyGU?...

show even more dominance by pooping someone else's pants

*God making the handfish* Handfish: please stop why are you doing this