any song sung to a dog is a good song (unless it's like Hitler's dog)

Thank you autocorrect - I really did want to ask my wife "how's of going?"

Snugglebums

Chevy Madox Chevy

NO SUCH THING EXISTS

People who spoil TV shows should be shot to death like Chelsea and Rick in The White Lotus season 3 finale.

FYI, If your child falls into an enclosure we get to keep it.

cowboy who stubbed his toe:

My niece is bringing her new baby to my house for Christmas dinner but my dogs have never met a baby before. Does anyone have a spare one I could test them out on?

I’d use one of my wishes to go into your dog’s body when I wanted to hump your leg but then get out before the whole licking my own ass part

They call me Two Bag Johnny…

Went to the zoo and saw a duck duck under some humping camels.

BLOYCE!? That's a major appliance, not a NAME.

Don't tell anyone but Queen Elizabeth didn't die. She lives with me now. I just heated up a 7-11 burrito in the microwave for her and we're going to watch The Young & The Restless.

*humblebrag incoming* After today I am off work for FOUR WEEKS!! I didn't use all my vacation time this year so I added a week to either side of our Christmas break. I haven't had this much time off since I was last unemployed about 15 years ago.

i used chatgpt to raise my baby and in their first year they tried to kill me eleven times

I can't remember how many times my mom would say, "Don't leave your room until you've transcended this realm!" I'd be in my room for days and I'd say, "Mom, I can't transcend!". Then Mom would tell to just tell me to pick up my dirty socks.

Is this: a) A Toronto commuter train station? or b) Grandad's tombstone?

That old “monkey see monkey do” thing is a buncha horseshit. That chimpanzee watched me fix my Oldsmobile for six hours and all it did was tear off my face

With the skills and abilities I have at talking myself out of bed in the morning, I should be a hostage negotiator.

it wasn’t all that

be careful out there today the static electricity is really bad some tacos just stuck to my mouth

Peeling a burrito like a banana

[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady

A nurse taking my blood told me I have really nice veins. I suspect she tells this to everybody, but it really made my day.

'You're taller than you sound'.

What’s the weirdest compliment you ever received? Someone once told me that I looked really cool while I was taking a nap. They said I had a bitchin’ rest face.

“And what is the charge? Eating a seal? A succulent Chinese seal? GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY PENIS!”

Strapping a roomba to each foot and vacuuming off into the sunset.

Crowdsourcing, but it’s just me stealing drinks out of peoples’ hands as they pass me overhead at a rock concert.

It’s that time of year where my main source of vitamin D is the yellow on a traffic light.

They have affordable payment plans if you need. Call the main office and ask for Dot.

Ok. Time to be productive. Gary threw some wood on the fire, laced his boots, grabbed his tools, and rummaged in the fridge for half an hour.

In a fun coincidence, my dentist himself is a little prick.

Does punctuation cost extra here?

my tailor shortens pants in earnest cuz that’s his hemming way this isn’t even today’s worst i have more 😬

Give a man a fish. Now give him another one. Now another. Keep going. Are his hands full? Good. Now take his wallet and car keys.

Mrs. Santa’s Erotic Revue and All You Can Eat Shrimp Buffet

How come so many people have wolves inside of them? Was there a sale at Yellowstone that I missed?

I don't think I breathe enough

People think I’m an alright kinda guy until they hear me pronounce the word gum with a soft ‘g’.

I've got half a mind to get this lobotomy reversed.

Who is Harold and where did he get his angels?

I can no longer send "tips" to the FBI because they figured out I was just tricking them into listening to my demo tape

#topoli when did it become the norm to excessively salt residential sidewalks for even the faintest trace of snow? I swear the salt companies and the dog bootie manufacturers are in cahoots.

I saw the virgin Mary’s face in a porkchop but I was too hungry to take a picture.

at custody hearings you should be able to chose between the kids and a big mystery box which could have anything inside it

This is the time of year, when all deadlines have been met and there just a handful of small projects to work on, that I have to keep myself amused at work. I had to shoot some Russian enamel "sherbet cups" today and decided to drape myself over the table afterward for a selfie...