Thinking of naming my son Grand Moff.

my friend told me about how his daughter broke up with her boyfriend when he said, “i know someday you’ll break my heart” and her response was “why wait? let’s make it today” i think about that a lot

mushroom guy coming home late from a long day of decomposing fallen logs in the forest and getting radicalized into anti-slime mold conspiracy theories on the mycelium network

The new neighbour in the adjacent house is RCMP, so I've just renamed my bluetooth speakers to "Oubliette Muzak" and "Secret Underground Monorail PA".

SERPENTINE BILLY SERPENTINE

Happy Valenpines Day to all you pine cones.

Reverend Morton Meat

ZZ Top in the streets, ZZZZ Top in the sheets.

Thursday. The ghost of Abraham Lincoln emerged from an old green penny and demanded Gary make waffles.

Slowly replacing the microplastics in my balls with tiny bits of coconut shell for more crunch.

Thinking of naming my son Scatman.

I met a professional French masturbator named La Goon.

Sven Eleven

my dream is to grow vampire fangs so i can bite ankles more efficiently

Potato Rocher

*Charlton Heston voice* I’ve got a piano bench full of wires!

Yes, I've been accused of sealioning. And no, I will not stop eating whole cod in the break room.

Hello friends, I don't normally do this but my dear old friend Anna, who is retired on a very tight fixed income, needs a bit of help covering the cost of euthanizing and cremating her beloved cat Casper. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you. gofund.me/e64e13610

That's a very international haircut you've got there.

I like to think I’m prepared for anything life throws at me but I get the feeling that those dudes that wear convertible pants must REALLY have their shit together.

In my ~20 years of photographing jewellery (among other things) for auction, today, for the first time ever, I shot someone's solid gold Medic-Alert bracelet. I guess whoever owned it no longer needs it.

You're a better man than I am, Gunga Doug.

Death sits in a corner at a Starbucks and tastes a pumpkin spice latte for the first time. “It’s actually quite good,” he muses to himself. The name written on his cup says “Derp”.

Saw the Melania doc last night and it was surprisingly fun, just her and the Jackass gang doing dangerous pranks. I didn’t even know they were all friends! Anyway Mel burned her left arm off but was a great sport about it.

Carrot Club

It’s like listening to a snot choir on this streetcar. I’m surrounded by people snuffling their runny noses.

I went to a costume party dressed as a ticket to the Melania movie but nobody's buyin it

It was always obvious that that little robot with the Dorothy Hamill haircut was fucked up on meth but naming him Twiki was a bit too on the nose.

Sometimes I touch the unknown stain on my coat and then touch my eyeball just to see how it all works out.

Seeking to console Greg Bovino, J.D. Vance offers to let him deport his next child.

*flicks cigarette butt after taking a long drag* here’s the thing- [there is a massive explosion because i forgot i’m at a gas station]

🎶Ch-ch-ch-chino Ch-ch-ch-chino pants!🎶

This day in history. 1980. Canadian diplomats working with the CIA rescued six American diplomats from Tehran during the Iranian hostage crisis but seven-year-old actor Ben Affleck somehow took the credit.

BREAKING: Border Patrol Cmdr. Gregory Bovino has been carried away by a small Minnesota owl, reportedly used to patch tiny hole in nest

I just got interviewed by the French arm of the national TV broadcaster while I was out walking the dogs in the snow. I’ll probably come off as a complete dork but at least the camera guy got some good shots of the girls. If I catch the broadcast I’ll try to get some stills to post later.

a giant toilet named the Post-Kool-Aid Man smashing through your wall and yelling "it's PISS TIME"

When is Mel Lastman calling in the army? #TOpoli

Little bit of snow…

I read so much book I became book.

What if you had to order french fries by the exact number of fries you’d like, not just large or medium.

I’ve lost my thesaurus. I've lost it. It's lost.

My dream job is to hold up poorly lit gas stations with a fossilized megalodon tooth

#photography #stilllife #tudors #photographersonbluesky #studiophotography #art

Actually, murder hornet was the name of the doctor.

Three croissants

It’s kind of a ripoff that clean sheets don’t feel any different than they did before you washed them.

Sure I go to church if by “church” you mean sitting on my couch picking my nose.

Buyers on Marketplace are nuts, man. I’m selling a guitar. In the listing I put “price is firm”. First offer was a lowball offer. I told him to fuck off. 2nd guy asked if it comes with a capo. Did I put “comes with a capo” in the description? I did not. What the fuck are people even.

The best way to discourages ppl from riding a bike is to make the infrastructure so dangerous you just give up. I can’t fathom a reason why my elected municipal rep would tolerate placing vulnerable road users in this much harm other than to stop people from choosing a bike to move equitably #BikeTO