I had a stroke the other night. Just one. My credit card was declined right at the beginning of a handjob.

I put my hair in a bun once. It tasted fucking awful.

Part of my problem is that I accept all cookies.

Part of my problem is that I accept all cookies.

Just me and my iced coffee against the world

Bring over some candles bitch. We're having a seance for Spirit airlines.

Bring over some candles bitch. We're having a seance for Spirit airlines.

Our fearless leader.

What's the correct ratio of gunpowder to essential oils? I want this bath bomb to be perfect.

What do tight pants and the White House have in common? No ballroom.

Desperate times call for a desperate amount of zip ties.

"Let's change the way we eat, let's change the way we live, and let's change the way we treat each other." - 2pac

What's the correct ratio of gunpowder to essential oils? I want this bath bomb to be perfect.

The last time there was an attempted murder at a correspondence dinner was when Barack roasted the absolute shit out of Donald Trump.

Due to personal reasons I will keep posting

You can be nice to me it’s not even illegal

How do people watch basketball with all those sneaker noises

I want to adopt a highway and name it " My neighbor Jerry borrowed my weedwacker and never returned the goddamm thing." Memorial Highway.

oh ok there was a shooting at the WHCA dinner uh ok 𝕊ℍ𝕀ℕ𝔾𝕃𝔼𝕊 𝔻𝕆𝔼𝕊ℕ'𝕋 ℂ𝔸ℝ𝔼

me: if i had kids, i’d be such a helicopter mom you: you DO have kids me: WHAT

Did you know that at the siege of Caffa, Genghis Kahn's army catapulted the corpses of his own soldiers who had died of the plague over the city walls? It was one of the first known example of germ warfare. Cashier: Why do you always have to come through my line?

[guy, waking up at the crack of dawn] Dawn. your ass is on my face again. move.

I tried helping this guy harvest mushrooms, but I stopped when I found out he was a sociopath. He had absolutely no morels.

I know what I'm about to say has already been said a bunch, but fellas it's OK to not be OK. End the macho stigma that we have to be tough and hold things in. Sometimes, being vulnerable and letting others in is the bravest things you can do. I love you, brothers.

I threw a no hitter once. Unfortunately, I was boxing.

Do you have anything that gets rid of the mouse in titmouse 🏆👑 Congratulations @destry.bsky.social from @prettyvulgar.bsky.social

women who hate men generally just hate what men have done to them whereas men who hate women mostly just hate what women won’t do for them the difference is crucial

Grammar police are you okay out theyre

Mowing the lawn and the bolt holding one of the drive wheels on broke. It fell off a few weeks ago and I fear I tightened it back on with too much enthusiasm. Guess I don't know my own strength.

bestie: where are you getting your colonoscopy done? me: in my butthole

i’m a little high and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem (i’m becoming a reply guy)

There’s strength in numbers. Take 69, for instance.

when did pepper become cool before or after med school

I gave some Prozac to a mourning dove and now it's just a dove.

Eat a bag of dicks? In this economy?

What do you call an orgy with people and their lookalikes? A doppelgangbang.

What do you call a glass of champagne and orange juice wearing chaps? A bottomless Mimosa.

I'm an Easter basket case.

I really need my dog to MOVE but she’s like 13 so I guess I’m just gonna enjoy my four inches of leg room for the rest of the night

Fuck it, I’m going to be kind.

I'm a parody account. A parodeeeeeeez nuts. Boom! Gotcha.

The only thing you're missing on Twitter is everyone asking AI if everything is true or not because they're too lazy to look it up.

I HEARD YOUR FACT AND I'M NOT HAVING FUN. I'LL SEE YOU IN COURT.

I assure you sir, that's the goal.

dO tHe CaRpEtS mAtCh ThE dRaPeS? Why yes, I always shampoo and condition my pubes when I wash my hair.

Rebelling against my teen going to a baptist church by blasting Chappell Roan when I pick him up from Wednesday night youth group

I follow more animals than people on Instagram.