Ya'll are not ready for this conversation but the world treats children as sub-human.

[ Spelling Bee ] Me: Your word is gladiator. Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence? Me: The cannibal showed no remorse after eating the woman. In fact, he was gladiator. Spelling bee judge: How did you get in here?

I have a new girlfriend. You don't know her. She went to a different psych ward.

I was typing "Imagine Dragons is an example of pop rock " but I typed poop rock instead, and I think I was right the first time.

Taken 3 should have been called Taken 2 part 2. Or "Taken a Number Two" because it was awful.

I'm an internet uninfluencer.

This is a @mardigroan.bsky.social appreciation post. If you aren't following him, then you should be. He's a seriously funny, cool, and nice guy, which is a rarity these days.

Russian agent: With which bird-watching group are you affiliated? 007: Bon. Audubon.

You do have Medicare part A and B, correct? No. That's too bad. We'll call you back from a different number in about twenty seconds and ask you again.

Remember when actual people used to call you and you could ask to be put on a "Do not call list."? Now you have to answer a question just to be able to talk to a person, and when you do ask, they just hang up.

I misheard when they said disaster preppers. Who wants a shitload of jalapeños?

Is Garth short for Gartholomew?

Garth Brooks' full name is Gartholomew Brooks. Actually, his name is Troyal Garth Brooks, which is just as unusual. This is coming from someone named Destry Monteith Broderick. I love my strange name.

Donald Trump wants the new Washington Commanders stadium to be named after him. I would rather have them name it Charlie Kirk Memorial stadium because Donald would have to support it because they were SUCH good friends. I say this because Donald Trump would be so furious because he can't say no.

i really hate being the center of attention all the time *adjusts sombrero

I went to the doctor because every time I ejaculate the only thing that comes out is sand. The doctor told me not to worry. It's just a Baja blast.

ProTip: if your account is nothing but shouting about politics, imma block you so hard your momma gonna get a bruise on her taint. I said what I said.

You call them Kegels. I call them punani presses.

I've decided to be a genealogist. I still have no idea how I'm going to fit into a lamp, though.

Anyone can be a puff father. It takes someone special to be a puff daddy.

I don't want to "drill down," or "circle back" I want to go to sleep on the floor

Would you like to stay logged in? Okay we'll log you out

Date: I don’t believe in drugs Me, super high: oh they’re out there

Therapist: you’re your own worst enemy Me: makes sense. Fuckin hate that guy

Spoonman, all of my friends are in my phone

for $3 a month i will comment “derp” on random photos of your ex

*watching Floor Is Lava* Son: who are you rooting for? Me: the team of dads. You? Son: the lava

Boss: *shows me the ropes Me: those are some nice ropes

stick a fork in me, im a toaster

I've decided to be a genealogist. I still have no idea how I'm going to fit into a lamp, though.

CUOMO IS NO MO.

Imagine someone tells you that you won a prize and it turns out to be a loaf of bread.

I'm not a smart man. I mean...I'm honestly pretty dumb and ignorant. But doesn't it seem like we're getting close to living under a dictator?

Them: you can't make this shit up. Me: someone literally wrote the Bible.

I don't think it's a coincidence that kale rhymes with jail.

I'm sick of dudes asking if I'm a bear. I know I have a lot of hair all over my body, but come on...for one bears can't talk and for two'ne I already told you ripping your picnic basket and throwing the contents all over your campsite was a low blood sugar thing.

Imagine a bunch of dudes sitting in a basement having a fantasy Quidditch draft day. "I'm picking the orphan with the lightning bolt scar on his forehead. He's had to overcome a lot of adversities, but he shows a lot of promise."

Imagine a bunch of dudes sitting in a basement having a fantasy Quidditch draft day. "I'm picking the orphan with the lightning bolt scar on his forehead. He's had to overcome a lot of adversities, but he shows a lot of promise."

Razor blades in trick or treating candy? In this economy? I would have gone back for more.

Trump has successfully cut one thing in half, so far. My will to live.

Don't worry. I called in reinforcements.

What was the point of Oregon Trail? To see how miserable you could be when you arrive? Your favorite oxen died crossing the river. Your cousin and secret lover Jedediah died of dysentery in a filthy outhouse, and your fiancé was eaten by a bear. You have no money or possessions. Enjoy yourself.

I laugh every year about the police warning the public to make sure none of the candy your kid gets for Halloween doesn't have THC in it. Stoners don't share, and if they did, maybe your kid won't be such a little asshole anymore.

Boss: Why were you late? Me: I sharted. Boss: What? Me: I was working on an art piece while shaving.I call it a shart. Boss: Umm, ok. That's why you were late? Me: No. I was late because I farted and a little shit came out. I wish they had a name for that. Boss: So do i. I KNOW THIS IS AWFUL

What was the point of Oregon Trail? To see how miserable you could be when you arrive? Your favorite oxen died crossing the river. Your cousin and secret lover Jedediah died of dysentery in a filthy outhouse, and your fiancé was eaten by a bear. You have no money or possessions. Enjoy yourself.

I'd be a better writer if I were better at writing.

I fought a cactus and the cactus won.

The only way to win Oregon Trail was to die along the way.

Too fat to fly? I think the lack of wings kinda tops that.

Say hello to my identical cousin Destrina.