What do you call an orgy with people and their lookalikes? A doppelgangbang.

What do you call a glass of champagne and orange juice wearing chaps? A bottomless Mimosa.

I'm an Easter basket case.

I really need my dog to MOVE but she’s like 13 so I guess I’m just gonna enjoy my four inches of leg room for the rest of the night

Fuck it, I’m going to be kind.

I'm a parody account. A parodeeeeeeez nuts. Boom! Gotcha.

The only thing you're missing on Twitter is everyone asking AI if everything is true or not because they're too lazy to look it up.

I HEARD YOUR FACT AND I'M NOT HAVING FUN. I'LL SEE YOU IN COURT.

I assure you sir, that's the goal.

dO tHe CaRpEtS mAtCh ThE dRaPeS? Why yes, I always shampoo and condition my pubes when I wash my hair.

Rebelling against my teen going to a baptist church by blasting Chappell Roan when I pick him up from Wednesday night youth group

I follow more animals than people on Instagram.

A thing about me is even if I'm having a great time I can't wait to go home

The dog farted in his sleep and wagged his tale 3-4 times to deliberately distribute his funky stench directly at me istg

Mike's flaccid Lemonade was a horrible seller.

I can't get one lousy fucking like? 😫

Has anyone checked Chuck Norris's grave for a clenched fist coming out of the dirt yet?

Has anyone checked Chuck Norris's grave for a clenched fist coming out of the dirt yet?

the maga idiots where i live don't know what to make of my camo pants. lesbian? ex-military? it's wonderful

What do you call Spiderman's underwear? Peter parkers.

I had to stand guard between a potty accident kid changing clothes and a daddy long legs. It was touch and go.

Milkshakes sound like a symptom of lactose intolerance.

What if Jesus did come back as an image on a piece of burnt toast as a sign and someone slathered it with butter and ate it with the yolk from their poached egg and ruined it for the rest of us?

Did you hear about the bank robbery a pod of killer whales pulled off? It was perfectly orcastrated.

For My Dog, Larry In the summer, deep in grief, I didn’t think of much at all. As the flowers you watched me plant bloomed, I cut clippings to put in tiny vases by your photo. When the fall came and the leaves plastered the sidewalks of our neighborhood, I did not walk them.

Greeting card that says I'm sorry for talking to your child like it was a dog

Back in my day, only old people made back in my day posts. Fuck.

My buddy from New Mexico? I think you mean, my palbuquerque.

Remember when water was the only brand of water?

My latest post has one whole like. I'm back, baby!!!!

RFK has finally accepted a brand of vaccines that are cut with a healthy dose of street level smack. So don't be alarmed by the golden amber hew in the syringe. That's uncle Bob's happy juice.

Conservatives reading the redacted Epstein files: Just wait until Donald Trump gets his hands on this Ronald Crump fella. He's gonna wish he was never born.

I hope Dennis Quaid makes it to the Manhattan public library in time to save his son.

Every privacy policy update: We have found new ways to monetize your data !!

THE CHICAGO BEARS KNOCKED THE GREEN BAY PACKERS OUT OF THE PLAYOFFS. WE ALREADY WON OUR SUPERBOWL.

Idk but I'll bet they have a Taco John's.

The world is an onion article.

I actually prefer thick mints.

What would you do if this guy arrived at your doorstep out of the blue?

Everyone will be trying to run you down if you make a habit of putting yourself in front of a moving vehicle.

Doordash brings all my milkshakes to my yard.

The hardest part of posting a dick pic is writing the caption.

Her: are you a grower or a shower? Me:

I think I have a pretty good poker face unless you cough around me in which case I’m gonna immediately react.

What I love about living in East Tennessee, Part 1

Sure did miss you this year, my sweet little man.

Why is it called a nursing home and not an oldphanage?

Thank fuck I didn't try to attempt dry January this year.

Glenn Danzig fingered me in the Flying J bathroom just East of Omaha after losing at a game of tiddlywinks back in 1992.