I hope Dennis Quaid makes it to the Manhattan public library in time to save his son.

Every privacy policy update: We have found new ways to monetize your data !!

THE CHICAGO BEARS KNOCKED THE GREEN BAY PACKERS OUT OF THE PLAYOFFS. WE ALREADY WON OUR SUPERBOWL.

Idk but I'll bet they have a Taco John's.

The world is an onion article.

I actually prefer thick mints.

What would you do if this guy arrived at your doorstep out of the blue?

Everyone will be trying to run you down if you make a habit of putting yourself in front of a moving vehicle.

Doordash brings all my milkshakes to my yard.

The hardest part of posting a dick pic is writing the caption.

Her: are you a grower or a shower? Me:

I think I have a pretty good poker face unless you cough around me in which case I’m gonna immediately react.

What I love about living in East Tennessee, Part 1

Sure did miss you this year, my sweet little man.

Why is it called a nursing home and not an oldphanage?

Thank fuck I didn't try to attempt dry January this year.

Glenn Danzig fingered me in the Flying J bathroom just East of Omaha after losing at a game of tiddlywinks back in 1992.

All I want for Christmas is a look at the naughty list.

I hope anyone who reads this has a very happy holiday. To my old Twitter family, thank you for continuing to be in my life. To all my new friends, I thank you for your friendship. To all the trolls,I want to bestow the same wishes. I know it gets cold under that bridge you boldly protect. ✌️ and ❤️

I got fired as the senior centers' events coordinator for calling a seniors mixer an afterlife pre-party.

Just closed out a meeting by reminding people that I am off on friday and if they need anything to "pretend that I am deceased"

[ After redacted Epstein files released] Conservatives: See? It says ■onald ■rump. Donald isn't named anywhere! Also, conservatives: but when we get our hands on this Ronald Crump fella, there will be hell to pay.

Car salesman: this particular model goes from zero to sixty in under seven seconds. Me: this will make an excellent tomb. Car salesman: what? Me: make it go vroom.

internal dialogue: Me: hey your phone is going to die while you’re working and you’ll be mad Me: fuck you

I'll bet Mike Tyson can pronounce Ibiza perfectly.

We should not move on from quiet piggy. We should fry him for that alone

Groomba the official robot vacuum for pedophiles and overall creeps. What it can't pick up it will try to sweep under the rug for you.

YOU REALLY CAN MAKE A BONG OUT OF ANYTHING.

I just yelled at a robot for two minutes because they asked for my age. I didn't forsee something like this happening for another forty years or so.

Anyone that masturbates has basically been in a friends with benefits relationship with either their right or left hand since puberty. Think about that when you're about to get the cheaper pair of gloves.

Mom's been living with us for 2 years and has known I'm atheist for 20, but for some reason she threw a fit today when reminded that not everyone believes in god.

I'm going to start saying this whenever I have to pee.

I just read that Ghislaine Maxwell wasn't allowed to bring her Groomba to prison to clean her floors. How rude.

That one dentist that never recommends any of the products is probably the busiest.

YOU REALLY CAN MAKE A BONG OUT OF ANYTHING.

Chandler voice “could they be anymore redacted”

I have underestimated how nice it is to have an ice cream cake in the freezer to chip away at.

Someone at work called me a Pinche Gringo and everyone laughed. But when I tried to pinch a gringo nobody laughed and the people in HR definitely didn't laugh.

Some days, you just feel califragilisticexpialidocious. And that's super as well.

Sorry if I came off as being facetious. I was trying for superfacetious.

Bring your daughter to work day must be awkward for exotic dancers.

This administration is trying to lull is into a false sense of social security.

I recently got twenty-one likes on one of my posts. That's like 210k on Twitter/X when you consider the exchange rate.

A new joke format. You say "I order my steak...." and then you list something that's considered rare. Like a conservative who isn't a complete asshole.

Introverts have social insecurity numbers.

Do you know what the world really needs? More than food for everyone? More than shelter or medicine for everybody? An earwax museum.

I order all of my steaks "Alabama Liberal".

The DOJ just had to put down their black magic markers.

I love it when I get notifications, and it's someone else reposting someone else's post that I reposted.

Only FA's hate ANTIFA. [ Fucking Assholes]