I feel like a big baby. I've been crying all day. I just can't handle all this... TREE SEX. Keep your yellow cum to yourselves, you dirty sluts!

Christians: we must put the Ten Commandments in every school! Commandment #1: Thou shalt have no other gods before me. Christians: praise be to our savior Donald J. Trump!

If Douglas Adams was alive, he'd sue Pete Hegseth.

You know it was a good meal if you either have to A) sweep the floor afterwards B) change the sheets afterwards

Nokia 3300 series vs. Chuck Norris. Who wins?

You never truly know how someone feels about you until you see how they have you saved in their phone.

Kimmel/Colbert 2028.

If I had a million dollars (if I had a million dollars) I would buy you gasoline (maybe a full tank of some premium)

There it is, folks. The first election suspension. There will be more. Including the midterms. www.reuters.com/world/us/lou...

Ok, hear me out: MacAskill vs Pastrana.

Where do I type IDKFA into life?

Sometimes I just eat a piece of provolone, because provalone.

Nothing like a little post-coital shark coochie, Cap'n & coke and Bugs Bunny.

Desperate times call for a desperate amount of zip ties.

"Don't blame all police for just a few bad apples." Buddy, where I'm from (the literal Apple Capital of the World), if you have that many bad apples, you bulldoze the entire orchard, burn the trees, and plant something else.

What I Mean When I Say I'm Tired ~ K.E. Sermonté "I want quiet. I want the mercy of being unseen without being unloved."

Happy Random Drug Test week!

You'll be just fine. Just don't believe the hype.

Nobody: Literally nobody: Nobody ever: Melania: I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW JEFFREY LIKE THAT!

@macinewa.bsky.social “If we’re talking about expelling people from government for sexual assault there’s an important one that needs to go…”

Have you tried not giving a fuck?

*Fistbumps the entire country of Hungary*

I have recovered the blue Pilot G2 that I dropped in the break room yesterday. It was still under the table this morning. It's gonna be a good day, Tater.

Big Banana had Harry Belafonte killed.

My personal therapy team consists of Taylor Tomlinson and Randy Feltface.

The cold war is over, bro. Stop drinking the communist propaganda kool-aid.

"The year is 2029. The machines will convince us that they are conscious, that they have their own agenda worthy of our respect. They will embody human qualities and claim to be human, and we'll believe them." -Ray Kurzweil

They have known all along. What they are starting to figure out is that this is no longer sustainable and they will rightly get the blame by the public. MAGA has known all along, but until it hurt them directly, they were fine with it hurting others.

At this point my only plan is a spaceship pulling up and an alien bestie choosing me like a rescue cat.

music teaches you lessons like “sell crack, shoot people, steal from people” Then someone is like “I have two girlfriends” and THAT IS WHERE YOU CLUTCH YOUR PEARLS, go git somewhere

Getting ever greater again, I see!

Tennessee weather is more bipolar than an ex-girlfriend. Went from 69°f at 2am to 32°f by dinner time. Never before have I had to run the a/c at night so I could sleep, then turn the heat on the following afternoon.

I don't want a love like Romeo & Juliet; I want a love like Woody & Juliette.

It's like if Fox News was running the country... *looks at Trump administration* Oh, right.

Imagine if we did this nation-wide. Perhaps progressive rate, so people making 10m pay 15%, 25m pay 20%, etc. We could literally solve poverty.

Vagina Dentata Such a wonderful phrase! Vagina Dentata Ain't no passing craze! It means no willies for the rest of your days! It's a penis-free philosopy! Vagina Dentata!

Facts matter.

Washington, a state with no income tax, has passed a bill to tax income of over $1M at 9.9%. This needs to happen everywhere.

The people cherrypicking the Constitution are the same people who cherrypick the bible to fuel their hate agenda.

Oil prices skyrocketing so high, so fast, even George Bush can't believe it.

We've got to stop leaving Beave unattended at night.

Are we getting great again, or what? Just look at these greatness levels skyrocketing!

Colorado, Oregon, and Washington are entirely vote by mail states, and have the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th highest voter turnout rates. This proves voting by mail works, and explains why the GOP is so goddamned afraid of it.

I'm sorry, Ms. Jackson, I am four eels... In a trench coat. I know, your daughter was shocked, too.

Sooooooo Elon Musk is being sanctioned in France for election fraud and you STILL think Trump won 🤔 Ohhhhh ok

I always mute the voice chat on CoD. If I wanted to hear bitches whine, I'd talk to my exes.

"No sir, I don't like it." -Mr. Horse

My mother and my children's grandmother are two entirely different people.

The toothpick is the dildo of oral hygiene.

Couples therapy? I mean yeah, we've had sex with Taylor Tomlinson on in the background.