i feel like being controversial so i am just gonna say it: the fruit-flavored tootsie rolls are better than the chocolate ones

When a woman says 5 minutes, think like 5 minutes left in the 4th quarter and both teams have all of their timeouts.

my love language is you giving me the coupons from your cvs receipt

i don’t want to earn a living, i just want to pet cats

all the hot girls are so so sleepy but can’t sleep for some reason

the feeling of joy when your annual is over and you don’t have to see the gynecologist for a whole year

the most peaceful moment of my every day is when i delete all my notifications

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

a little sad that the colonoscopy center didn't send me a happy birthday email this year

Werner Herzog Sleep Sounds App

taking portrait-style photos of the biscuits at cracker barrel

hate it when i’m too busy doing chores to play my nintendo game about doing chores

i need you to know that there is a nutella ice cream and it is even better than you think it is

every time i fix something in my house by myself i feel SO PROUD. like i am a CHAMPION, i deserve a tv show

i’m reading a book where the author constantly fat-shames the narrator then reveals she wears a SIZE TWELVE and also glorifies her for betraying her female colleagues to become “one of the guys” and it is WRITTEN BY A WOMAN, listen i am SO ENRAGED

those birthday cards from cats are the funniest thing to me. a cat wouldn’t send a birthday card. a cat would step on your boob and vom on your favorite rug.

Every city's a walkable city if you're Godzilla

just yelled to my cat that he's missing a really good bird

watching the willful and steady destruction of respect and faith in all three branches of government is kind of depressing not going to lie

the teenage activity that most prepared me for adult life was listening to music extremely dramatically

in 1980 ted turner made a video to be played on cnn when the world ends. it's a bunch of military band members playing "nearer, my god to me" in front of cnn headquarters and it is one of the creepiest and weirdest things i've ever seen. it haunts my dreams. you're welcome.

the local headshop has, bafflingly, become Kim’s Amish Traditions

"Kennedy Continues His Push For Disabled People To Die Instead"

my tragic flaw is that i will buy any weird tshirt from old navy. i don’t care what’s on it, a mustache or a crab or the word “fun” floating over a boat, i do not care. get in my closet immediately

cannot believe we’ve already been through four years of 2026

olive garden didn’t have to make their salad that good. but they did, for us. never think you don’t matter 💫

reading an article about how having a pet lowers your blood pressure and stress then looking over at my pet, a cat, in the middle of a battle to the death with the air

inventing a time machine so I can get a blurb from Guy de Maupassant for my next book

wrote a poem a day for the month of april and now i have a notebook full of 30 certifiably insane poems i can never show anyone

whenever my grandmother had us girl grandkids over she’d give us special permission to paint our nails and then tell us to sit for at least 30 minutes to let it dry and it took like 20 years for me to realize she just did it so we’d calm tf down and be quiet

hyperfixating on the concept of hyperfixation

oh just a stretch limo with steer horns on the front and a “yahuah” license plate at the alabaster alabama walmart, completely normal for a tuesday

the ocean is crazy big

on day seven of covid and let me tell you i am not live laugh loving it one bit

we don’t give flo from progressive enough credit as an actress, like judi dench wishes she had that range

You don’t realize how fragile your sanity is until your sock slides halfway off inside your shoe and you can’t fix it.

ok but like … if you wanted a normal answer was i really the right person to ask

a teenage boy just made it clear to me that he thought the shirt im wearing was advertising the two separate concepts of guns and of roses

this was in my spam, oh my god who is PATRICK and why is PATRICK all-caps, what has PATRICK done

if our pets had smartphones do you think their camera rolls would be full of photos of us

I want to be a cicada so people will be like, “well, yeah, he’s supposed to scream like that.”

i never do Fun Things but this weekend i’d planned to watch the bts concert livestream at the movie theater and i was so excited and then yesterday i got a sore throat and today …

this is just to say I have had an issue fetching the posts that were on the timeline and which you were probably hoping to doomscroll forgive me the takes were so hot and so rate limited

Repeated shenanigans are called shenanagains

someone asked me what kind of cat i have and i was just like … the kind that gets found in a sewer?

ever finish a book and want to send it to all your worst enemies

honestly i have survived this day only by promising myself i can have cup of noodles tonight and i am not ashamed of that fact

did we ever figure out how the moon tastes though

you know that we are living in desperate times when i decide to watch a kdrama where a girl turns into a chicken nugget just to disassociate for a while

lately i’ve been thinking a lot about taking a nap