replaced all my CPAP parts tonight

Toddlers when you ask them if they pooped their diaper

this is who they’re selling the 50 yr mortgages to

The Amish should sue her

Imagine being these people and choosing to be in the public eye every few years. Imagine being these people and wanting to be perceived by anyone at all.

Pluribus good

*3yo, through tears* I’m running out of poop

I’m always saying this

would be more like The Long Talk if it were women right

baby woke up at 4:30am again

this song came on the random Christmas playlist we were listening to tonight and my 3yo said this song “has soul”?? I asked him to clarify several times and he said “soul”. Son what the fuck are you talkin about

this is what Andrew Cuomo looks like to me

such a fine line between being comfortably caffeinated and what I call the🚨 heart attack danger zone 🚨

Here comes Lynne Cheney

anybody got eyes on Klum

3yo says he wants his s’mores “raw”. Hell yeah son. That’s easier for me.

unlocked a memory of drawing the godsmack symbol around my belly button in 6th grade

doing pelvic floor therapy and my woke therapist said I can’t piss hard and fast anymore

Think I saw this one at a Cracker Barrel

I don’t know if this is true and what I’m about to say will never happen BUT: picture in your mind’s eye if you will someone winning an Oscar for playing Kevin Federline.

Wendy’s promise that it’s always fresh, never frozen 🌈

god he’s sleeping with it

hell yeah

3yo wanted this

It’s crazy to me that kids are doing the 6-7 thing because is 69 not the funny number anymore? I don’t know what 67 means but I doubt it’s funnier than what 69 means.

3yo keeps misgendering the Chucky animatronic at Home Depot

kinda wild they said this is a lion

don’t remember making this

Raccoon Facebook group really paying off

It’s Dude the cat

bout to go rice mode

I’m a little stoned trying to get my kid to go to bed and he keeps saying there’s a monster in here and I’m like… what if he’s right

Me: can I take your picture by this cabin? 3yo: yep

ᵃ ᶠᵉʷ ˢᵐᵃˡˡ ᵇᵉᵉʳˢ

I’ll be your father figure I drink that brown liquor

well ok

October 1st is the day I will watch Ma in my Ma shirt

3yo loves listening to songs from the Disney haunted mansion ride. I hated it at first but now I’m kinda

Tom Cruise circling the White House in a chopper again

he was so old that when he was born it was the church of early-day saints

My 3yo may not look like me but every time he threads my phone charger through his toes I’m like…that’s my boy.