[trying to get out of date] ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911 DATE: That's not how- ME: *mouthing* IT'S AN EMERGENCY

Swan Lake snow edition

There is one Caleb Hearon quote that comes to mind when I see something like this

Took these today no o’fents (Irish for offense)

I love new year eve - counting numbers, kissing smooch style, doing a yell

🎁💝

I covered the NFL for The Guardian for like... eight years? Including a stream of Super Bowls. This is 100% accurate.

BOSS: Your feminist agenda is starting to disrupt meetings ME: *tucks tampon behind ear like a pen* How

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it and I think if chickens were trying to steal my style I’d probably say something like “I like that boom boom pow, them chickens jackin' my style”

the worst part about doing laundry is having to eat all the lint from the dryer trap, I wish there was a different way

Me, my face. A facie they could call it but they don’t

Doctor’s office has the news blaring in the waiting room, can’t wait to see how normal and good my heart rate and blood pressure are

Personally I think it’s wrong that they’re launching Katy Perry into the sun. Let her hang out on the moon until the album chatter dies down damn

[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]

Like y’all even care..

My dad and uncle are having a complain off

You drink one sports drink and suddenly you’re kicking and throwing any sphere you see. Anyway I’m sorry about your baby’s head it’s just

report this woman for plagiarizing @caithuls.bsky.social's bit

Sometimes it’s like y’all don’t even care about using a dinosaur toy as a pillow anymore

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i'm like yeah. me know

You’ve heard of cast the verb. You’ve heard of casted the made up verb. Let me introduce you to: casteded. Now we’re all mad you’re welcome

[bird watching] when's the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet

I freestyle cut my own hair in the mirror the other day and it looks fine or good even women can do anything

Another day of being Eliza Caitlin Thornberry

Live from South Carolina it’s Birdnado

First things first, I’m the cutest

me: when is your birthday her: march 1st me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

Friend: Are you growing your hair out? Me: Honestly I have no idea. I never thought I'd live this long

I could have a really amazing panic attack in this thing

Obsessed with these emails. I don’t even know what I put on there buddy and I ain’t adding to it and it ain’t full

requested my ashes be spread at a water park. a logistic and legal nightmare for my family. one last chance to prove their love

YOU: What state do you live in? ME: Solid

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Capt. Jones and I'll be your pilot today and, uh damn that's a lot of buttons. That's a lot of fucking buttons

Twirling aggressively in the direction of my haters

Roses are red Violets are violet That's the color That they are

YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

Health insurance is awesome because you can wait on the phone for 45 minutes to hear that it’s actually good that your medicine costs $200 a month because it will help to reach your deductible faster

Punxsutawney Phil has declared martial law.

Not gonna lie I’m feeling quite vincible lately

Me: Oh no that trolley is going to run us over! Guy tied up on the track next to me who somehow thinks he's actually the guy holding the lever: Lol cry more 😂

[making pizza rolls] instructions: heat them up me: yes instructions: let them cool me: no

Ah yes the age old pastime of checking if a food is too hot for my mouth by using my mouth

Your depression is seasonal?? Well isn’t that quaint

I live on Swan Lake not that any of you care

I’m really trying to get the word out about Not Saying Things. Instead of saying things, you can just not say things and many still don’t know this