Liquid Plumber sets a grim precedent. Soon they'll be grinding up electricians and maybe even carpenters for their dark concoctions. Where does it stop? Liquid Lawyer? Liquid Postman?

YOU CANNOT GRIND THE BONES OF YOUR ENEMIES INTO DUST TOMORROW IF YOU DO NOT TAKE YOUR MEDICATIONS.

Maybe history repeats itself because nobody heard it the first time and it gets annoyed in a matronly barkeep-type way

Who up planning for Nigel

ocean's elevenses

It takes just 24 clams to power my clam-powered contraption. Clamtraption, the lab boys call it. That's seven and a half clams better than the clampetition

Been plying Grover with apple juice from concentrate and he's finally tipsy enough to reveal the path to the Muppet's secret moonshine cave

Hold my calls, Margaret. I've begun ascending

Yes, it's true. My nickname in college was Wainwright Basilfingers - for the obvious reasons

As I wander group-to-group at this party, my mystical orb conveys insights that guide me in how best to navigate the social landscape. "This person is ignorant of portals", "This person has middling interest in portals", "This person cares not for portals"

Influencers want to tell you that variety is the spice of life but this is simply not true. Scientists in the 80's rigorously tested this and determined that it is, in fact, nutmeg.

the small crack at the base of my skull has been producing a fluid that I've taken to calling "idea milk"

Gently hooking my claws into Independent Horatio

bro. dogg. be of good cheer. haven't you heard? there's a tourney at Ashford Meadow. Brankum's good-sister Scamella tidies up for the maester. she stole us some milk of the Poppy. we're gonna quaff a bunch and enter the melee. shall be a mummer's dream, it shall

Your disguise kit contains a pair of galoshes for Swamp Activities

No point in getting fresh with me, son. I'm only prepackaged or frozen nowadays

Hello, I don't mean to pry but this crowbar isn't good for much else

This is a reminder to PLEASE keep your Tiny Cowboy indoors. They may want to go out but the tinned bean population is critically endangered

[mortician cutting into sonic’s body during the autopsy] my god this guy must be six thousand years old

Always kept my bolts in a big bucket. Now the kids are telling me it's "insensitive"

I've got to chew this gum, officer. I'm training for the gnashinal exam

i think we should rename the solar system to the Gravity Circus

my domestic clams have raised a fine clutch of pearls this year

haven't met an emoji I couldn't wrangle

me: please give my compliments to the chef waiter: of course sir me: also give them this (hands him a small ceramic frog) waiter: lovely frog sir

Crazy day at the bone bank. Someone tried slipping me a stack of cartilage and I had to call security

when it's time to "accidentally" leave the gate by the stables unlocked and betray my liege 😈

⚠️nasa reporting large buildup of angels on the border of heaven

blasting frog noises through a powerful sound system

Suffering critical effect status by the siren's call. Negative resistance to the siren's call

Nothing like coming home after a long day and sinking into a nice hot obscurity

naturally-occuring hamburger formations in Lunch Valley

[smiling as I add carrots, celery, and onions to my soup] ah, the holy trinity [a cloud crosses my face when I drop a bay leaf into the pot] …and the sin eater

My hearty gams allow me to outrun most sergeants of the law, and several detective inspectors as well

auntie buy yacht pics

> be me > lifelong fan of bold flavors > find out bold flavors are now available in every bite, even on the go

Ladies love my multiple supple flanges

i'm using TechnoCoins at upgrade terminals to increase my body's abilities and moves

Sitting at the banquet table trying to guide a spoonful of soup through the breathing holes of my great helm

Maybe I'm like this because of my constant consumption of DESICCANT: SILICA GEL - DO NOT EAT

Tooting my grandpappy's heirloom vuvuzela on the eve of war

42-year old Caucasian stuns wait staff with perfectly timed flashbang

Coming to you Live from the Vulcanized Rubber Variety Hour

Cottage Cheese: Flesh of the Ancestors, Blood of the Future

scientists are releasing a new animal called Physical Tigers

No, you are not full of yearning. Take an antacid.

🎵 Carry on my based milk son 🎵

I perform beef alchemy for the villagers. Sometimes with beef substitutes too, if they are not as well off

Reserve half a cup of pasta water to toss over your shoulder at the next wedding

If you want Bluesky to be good you need to be weirder