Q: Why is it "hanged" and not "hung?" A: the dictionary contains many crimes. you will discover this numbers amongst the least of them

"I'd like to see AI do THIS." The camera pans down to reveal I've been cracking raw eggs directly into my gas tank.

the cacophony of the hostile marimbas has boosted your spirit, granting you + 𝟓 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐝𝐞𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧 (𝐮𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐥 𝐦𝐨𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐭)🌈™

Tom Foolery was the first man to act silly - this was so startling to his contemporaries he was hanged by the neck until dead.

Enrobe your toad in dough that's cold and roll him to the oven - a crunchy crust's a winter must so give your toad some lovin'

Feast your eyes, gorge your ears, stuff your cracks,

Predict the future wrong too many times and the Fates cut you off. They start exclusively sending you visions of a maiden holding a big sign that says "LMAO"

my volatile cousin, Pogrance Fistwilliams

Come in and take a load off. Been saving my top-shelf posts just for you

saw a group of scientists looking at my posts and they were all nodding their heads emphatically

anything can become a slurry with enough elbow grease

Grasp your animal and gently squeeze to extract the beneficial drippings. The animal is not harmed by this.

Director on the set of a dying earth movie: languid! More languid!! Use the whole divan! You’re not grasping that chalice weirdly enough!!

Fig-mongers really don't like you asking questions about where they get their figs from. Tell me the location of your secret grove, cowards.

Lobster souls secrete a kind of "primal essence" that stunlocks angels, rendering them unable to pass judgement for several moments.

built to trundle, forced to trudge

"Lads," I say, waving my hands. "Lads, let's think this through." "Enough talk, warlock" rasps a swineherd, jabbing me with his pitchfork. "We hunger for Holy Crystals and I reckon you're lousy with 'em."

I bring a combative energy to the olive garden that the other patrons don't appreciate

When the affible old men in your life start chuntering towards the billiard room, it's time to call it a night

Out here juggling bags of red liquid. Really putting in the work to make my community a place where red liquid can be juggled.

don't throw away your empty gestures. they can be boiled for stock

it's called a toasture oving because it oves the food by producing toasture

i do NOT want to be handled! leave me on the asphalt and let me melt !!

humanity knows 26 ways to fold a tortilla. if we discover the 27th angels will permanently close shut the way to paradise

"hot takes?" you bet i got "hot takes." i takes it when its hot cause mama aint making no more

If a secret cabal of vampires were truly ruling over humanity, people would start popping up with inexplicably flavoured blood. I'm talking "cream soda" or "blue raspberry"

Pleasures of the flesh? Trite and overdone. Wake me when we're doing pleasures of the bone.

dipping my fries in borax just to feel something

Running late to the Big Meeting cause I was tattooing associates behind the water cooler

my large adult son has heard tell of the medium adult son movement and become incandescent with jealousy. while i might fear for his sanity, the white-hot glow emitting from his core is the perfect beacon to guide my trade fleet home! they return with a bounty of exotic fruits and spices! hooray!

Chicken Nugget: apply directly to the forehead

wife: your life insurance premium paid up? me: yeah wife: good me: why? wife: no reason me: ... wife: ... me: ... wife: here, taste this

We're sorry to hear you have been cast into the outer darkness. Have you tried weeping and gnashing your teeth?

what is up, my good chad

greasing up the lads and letting them loose to scurry about the catacombs

i showed you my soft pale underbelly pls respond

"there is too much slop in my hellhole!" I say, turning up the slop faucet. "i will not stand for it! i will not!!"

grandmother has perfected the "slow pupusa"

The eighth deadly sin, jaundice, slept in and missed the big reveal so God had to kind of shoehorn it in later

They don't tell you this but the tenth dentist has turned their back on enamel and instead sworn service to the Cavideity

Recipes that call for smooth peanut butter are written by gormless cowards. I'm gonna use crunchy and your supple hands can't stop me

preparing my patented fungal unguent. my funguent, if you will.

(pounding table) i am a low information voter and i have confusing contradictory needs that must be addressed

when i sit at my desk i phase shift into a hagraven posture with instant productivity boons

Some of you haven't expressed your glands recently and it shows.

From the locked stall I can hear my boss furtively slurping his second bowl of cream of wheat.

Dentists must remain celibate, like priests. In both cases, this is to stop their powers over teeth and teeth byproducts from passing to the uninitiated.

People keep asking me to defend my views. I don't have views. I'm a vessel for the spirit.

eating the delicious goop that kills you

The beasts of the forest hate it when I activate my crucible