9-YEAR OLD ME: No I don’t know how to play guitar MY AUNT’S BOYFRIEND: It’s easy—see, each note has its own personality. For instance, C is a jolly fat man. Me: what Boyfriend: And D is like a scheming widow Me: what B: E is a traveling magician… Me: what B: Now F, he’s a troubled mayor Me: what

it’s hard for me to watch current tv, honestly. the easy access to cgi has basically killed my favorite genre: Sci-Fi Shows Featuring One Or More Actors Slowly Dying From Exposure To Toxic Facial Prosthetic Glue

someone I had previously described to my partner as "one of the cooler slay the spire streamers" just started talking about his favorite lichens while she could hear

in middle school I considered myself a discerning music fan with refined taste because I enjoyed the title track from Sisqó’s ‘Unleash The Dragon’ much more than the infamous ‘Thong Song’

notifying/warning my girlfriend that this evening I will be giving a short, informal presentation on the recent discovery of extremely significant and widespread correlated RNG effects in slay the spire 2.

years ago, when I was young and happy to waste my energy arguing with bigots, one of them said she felt unsafe around trans women and I responded that we are entitled to *be* safe, not to *feel* safe. which now feels like the exact opposite of what our culture insists is true

head office afforded some generous latitude in giving me a long leash and a wide berth to fulfill their clear mandate, but the vast purview of such an expansive brief and commensurate broad remit has inevitably and unfortunately left me with a pretty sizeable bailiwick

notifying/warning my girlfriend that this evening I will be giving a short, informal presentation on the recent discovery of extremely significant and widespread correlated RNG effects in slay the spire 2.

easy life? nah, we’re all out of those. what we *can* give you is a *hard* life—hard, but filled with *endless convenience*. good enough?

Give it back imo

Tuned in to the middle of UNSTOPPABLE on AMC for a couple of minutes and Denzel made both of us cry almost instantly. The official best.

Troubling reports out of England of 30 year-olds being socially transitioned into same-sex attraction without parental consent! One can only hope that the UK bans coming out as gay until a child is at least 35!

Been dropping the word “ludonarrative” in conversation. But, like, playfully.

Been dropping the word “ludonarrative” in conversation. But, like, playfully.

my barista claims the only way to make a truly good brew is to crack into the beans with a techno-organic extractor grown from an old type bar for the ninth letter of the alphabet. I don’t buy it, but he insists there are coffee drills everywhere, for those with I’s to seed them.

“I really can’t afford tickets… But it’s looking like this might be her last tour!” KLARNA, PROUD SUPPORTERS OF HEALTH AT EVERY SIZE

I just used the original AI, the human brain, to ‘generate’ an imagining of a freshly baked apple pie cooling on a windowsill. Unfortunately, the LLM in my mind also hallucinated a pie _thief_. I now understand all too well the dangers of this powerful and frightening technology.

HIRING MANAGER: Can you explain this gap on your resume? ME: I was going through an alchemical process. HIRING MANAGER: Which one? ME: I don't think you're allowed to ask me. OWNER CRACKING HIS KNUCKLES: Was there purification with water?

“I’m a spokesman for a bicycle company.” “Oh, I could never do that—I’ve got a huge fear of public speaking.” “What does that have to do with fixing wheels?”

can we stop down for five seconds for a quick chat?

playoffs? oh boy—huge game, nail-biter, absolutely everything on the line, make no mistake. still, satan can put up all the points he wants, our side’s got a “hell” of a dunker! and I think the ref might call a few fouls, wink-wink. …no, I know you were talking about basketball,

Getting rid of the headphone jack is up there with legalized gambling, re: the dissolution of society

just walked past a member of the nirvanna the band the show team as I was hoofing it home down roncesvalles, which is the most uninteresting, fork-found-in-kitchen celeb sighting ever, but it was still a nice “remember, you made it back to your city!” moment for me

I can't be the only one who finds this all really bizarre

[yelling to onlookers as I’m torn to pieces by two aliens—one a jagged, crystalline creature stabbing at me with sharp points, the other a gelatinous orb dragging my skin off of me by pawing at it with huge round limbs]: “am I crazy or is this really Kiki/Bouba-coded!?”

I don't care how many black mirror episodes show something bad happening because of it, I'm so excited to stick that little technology dot on my head

Read my new book, "I Went Hunting For Bigfoot, But I Found A Friend: How A Stranger And I Bonded Over Murdering Bigfoot."

bought a few more years for my feng shui consultancy, but at the cost of working exclusively on the home studio setups of popular video game streamers after pitching this ancient and beautiful practice to them as “optimizing the loot path for your chi”

He is referring to the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Sir Keir Starmer, who is a pig, a slob, and a wretched dog

the picture my girlfriend paints of what happens to our bedsheets during the night—and my role in proceedings—is nothing more than a pack of lies and a frightening inversion of the real situation on the mattress

we could be living in a post-climate crisis utopia right now, using dynakov’s process to shunt excess carbon into the past and isolate pollution to specific points in history, but the government stopped further research because it kept spoiling important people’s birthdays

I know we all know money is fake but the idea of a single individual being worth a trillion dollars really shines a light on it. like, if the system has put that much “value” on someone who isn’t actually worth a single cent, the system must be fundamentally wrong. “money” as an idea must be wrong

imagine being one of the non sean davis guys who has to deal with the fact that they made sean davis's picture slightly bigger than everyone else's because he's the headliner

we should have reserved the term spreadsheet for something hornier

something nice maybe about being able to say that, regardless of the quality of the material or reaction of the audience, the things I write—small and throwaway as they are—have the increasingly-rare value of being made by a person, a real person thinking in the distinct way only humans can

ME [SUSPENDED FROM HOOKS AND CHAINS]: you like this too, yeah? like, hurting me is a good time for you? PINHEAD THE CENOBITE [WINCING]: am I not being enthusiastic? I said all that stuff you suggested ME [FLESH STRIPPED FROM BONES]: I’d just love to feel like this was your idea

“yeah I just wanted to flag that if we’re really worried about capacity there are billions of wetware data processing centers sitting idle for eight hours a night”

not naming names but the person in this apartment who pays for the TCM subscription just asked me “has spielberg made an alien movie before?”

[You have been added to Lunch Chat] Thinking about eating an early lunch today [You have been removed from Lunch Chat] [You have been added to Brunch Chat]

not sure if this is intended behavior but I can’t pull off Settled Stone when I’m wearing my granite+ charm. I imagine it’s a conflict with mineral attunement slots, but my statue-self needs the rocksmith glamour buff to pass as a labyrinth centerpiece or it won’t trick the lich

i’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe, elmo’s eyes glowing blue with cherenkov radiation

I think a lot of people miss that I’m always the very first victim of these, please remember your ring theory and go comfort in dump out when at all possible

“I Don’t Understand How Or Why I Would Even *Have* Complex PTSD” Reports Friend On Fifteenth Year Of Life Being Ruined By Complex PTSD

close to calling the cops on this guy with the teletubby avatar getting in my mentions to drone humorlessly about how the vatican arranges scented dried flowers when visiting france’s capital. yep, it’s the po-po for po-faced po posts re: posed paris pot pourri popery

I’m actually pretty well-known around court. you’ve heard people say “at twice, my liege” right? yeah, I’m the one who suggested that. “‘at once’ is not enough!” I said to our liege. he *loved* it. very tight with him now, barely even have to call him “liege” anymore

first day on the yard at tesseract prison you need to go up to the biggest guy who’s also the smallest guy and entangle him with a decaying neutron until you get sent to the singularity holovault universe—I can hide a cake with an infinite number of files in it there

This might be one of the most insane scandals in game history When Pokemon Go players scan PokeStops, theyve been unknowingly building a detailed visual model of the world which is being sold to a military contractor to build a no-GPS positioning for the new generation of unmanned killing machines

OLD LAW & ORDER OPENING Garbageman: My goil keeps telling me not to be so colorfully New Yorky, but I tell her… eyyyy, there’s a dead body here NEW LAW & ORDER OPENING Killer: I am the worlds richest & smartest man, also I created a new religion. Now to kill you with ultraviolence Victim: Nooooooo

We DO NOT ACCEPT Haunted Coins! This Means: • NO Currently Haunted Coins • NO Previously Haunted Coins. Sorry—Can’t Risk It • NO Haunted Coins That ‘Your Guy’ Says Are ‘Barely Haunted’. If Your Guy Loves Them So Much, He Can Buy Them • OK To Possessed Coins, That’s Different