When will my husband return from the war on Christmas

It takes a big man to admit that he was wrong when he stole christmas

Retail workers the week before Christmas...

I'm going to crack an egg in my bath tonight as a tribute.

I love getting gag gifts for the family at Christmas, it’s the only way I get any peace and quiet.

“Be sure to set me to ‘delicate,’ Alison. It’d be a shame to ruin that sweater, you know, in case it ever comes back in style.”

What if 2026 turns out to be two 2025s in a trench coat

"One day, son, all this will be oars" - Dad, gesturing to a pile of wood outside the oar factory.

Idea for a TV talent show: The 2 Factor, where contestants compete to see who can successfully access all their online accounts, without having to reset passwords.

Whatever make it 10 factor authentication.. I don't want to be able to sign into anything ever again

This day in history. 1971. Don McLean’s "American Pie" was released. Asked what the lyrics meant: "It means I don't ever have to work again."

Ten famous people with festive names… 10. Jon Snow 9. Holly Hunter 8. Spruce Willis 7. Oprah Wintery 6. Kim Kardashian-Through-The-Snow 5. Samuel Elf Jackson 4. A-wreather Franklin 3. Misteltobey Maguire 2. Michael Baublé 1. Snoop Dogg-Is-For-Life-Not-Just-For-Christmas

A recent photo of the river Exe and some trees in the mist. Sorry, I apologise for posting Exe/tree/mist views on Bluesky.

The only unbelievable thing about James Bond stories is that the government would try to stop rich megalomaniacs with plans for world domination, rather than give them tax breaks, subsidies or an office.

what are we even doing here? the human brain was not designed to have to memorize this many unique passwords.

honestly sometimes i wish the plot would thin a little

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Gambling debts, two divorces, and a cocaine habit had left R2-D2 nearly broke. One night, drunk on White Claws, he drives his Porsche through the front window of a Santa Monica Walgreens, losing both his legs. Finding himself on the street, he now takes odd jobs just to survive.

Driving home for Christmas, stuck in traffic. Watching some gobshite singing to himself in my Rea view mirror.

At what point do you switch her off? Because that will be down to you, and probably due to the yearly/monthly subscription increases. "I'm sorry love, but we can't afford grandma anymore, it's her or Netflix"

"there's a new serif in town"

“I bring you fun” “I bring you sunshine” “I bring you love” The Three Morecambe and Wise Men.

All super rich guys sound the same now. It’s all “I sleep four hours a night and spend the other twenty hours a day developing a product that’s going to bring us the best widespread poverty anyone’s ever seen.”

The Bic corporation was started by one man who needed to shave, write something down, and set something on fire at the same time

Earlier one of the judges on Strictly said that one of the contestants was a star “in every sense of the word” and I’m sorry but I’ve got a bit of an issue with that.

Sport FACT: Tennis star Coco Gauff’s full name is Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio Coco Gauff.

I think, therefore I...um...

Amelia Earhart has been missing since 1937. The odds of finding her now are Amelia to one.

My local supermarket just awarded me their new peace prize! Tremendously flattered, but it's only for this week.

Made Conservative advent calendars for the kids. They're just normal advent calendars, but I ate all the chocolate, and blamed it on immigrants and the poor.

life’s a numbers game and all i know is the alphabet

FIFA Hair Piece Prize

FIFA Hair Piece Prize

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives. Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war* Me: Dammit.

Didn't need spotify telling me I'm an ancient boring piece of shit today

One question into online job application and I'm already lying (I am a robot).

Crypto Leaders Call For Infusion Of 20 Million Dopes To Stabilize Market

The French for "Laters, Potatoes" is "Au revoirs, Dauphinoise".

When I was a kid, my grandpa caught me out back smoking a brisket, so he made me cater an entire wedding

I'd love to be Archbishop of Canterbury one day. Perhaps I'm being overambishops.

In case you missed it

If you look out of your windows tonight you might see her…

The US has some quirky traditions that are really important to Americans, but seem silly to people in other countries, like pardoning a turkey at Thanksgiving, asking a groundhog to predict the weather, or allowing the Electoral College to choose their president.

They should invent an email that doesn't find me at all

[charlie brown high fiving everyone after a funeral] good grief. good grief. good grief.

I wish I was rich enough to have Owen Wilson follow me around and say 'Wow' whenever I finish any routine task.

and then Pooh smothered little piglet until he stopped kicking