Story of my life

Wet tshirt contest? More like brown tshirt contest because I spilled coffee down my entire chest😭

If I was a man for a day I would grow a killer stache and just sit there and twirl it all day

can’t rn, drafting a bad punny

Please🤞

Sorry about the chalk outline on your bed It really did look like you were almost dead

Batch liking everyone's skeets because I wasn't on here all day

Not once have I been given a blow job in an interview and I’m starting to think women getting stuck in dryers is a scam too.

Making out with chocolate. Also known as eating a handful of Hershey kisses.

Nakeder 🤭

Its been a year of a day.

Just over here filling up my draft folder so I have bangers every day for the next month

Understand this

being a tree would fix me

currently making a date with my bed for valentines day

We need more support in this world

"I don't have the energy for this (gestures at everything)"

I don’t have seasonal depression. I have a reasonable depression.

Can't we all just snuggle up in bed and maybe cry a little but together

calling in sick of life today

Thought I was falling into a deep depression, but turns out I just forgot to eat chocolate for a couple of days.

Woke up to a note I wrote myself at 4:42am. Anyone want to guess what I meant because I have no clue

Feeling sexy today. Did I say sexy? I meant sleepy.

Me, flirting: [opens your beer bottle by trying to twist it but then realizes it can't twist then frantically looks for bottle opener and laughs nervously and almost drops your beer bottle and now starts panicking until you just grab the bottle from me and open the bottle yourself]

I need a snuggle

Feeling sexy today. Did I say sexy? I meant sleepy.

Aioli! I'm walking over here.

My brain is tired

Changing careers and becoming a professional shrub

Yahoo drafts! My notes app will be so thankful

Filling up my drafts instead of talking to you jerks

My body bluescreened (napped) and now it feels like there's a corrupted driver (depression).

Men, what's stopping you from having a sexy stache like this???

What color do you wear the most and why?

Men, what's stopping you from having a sexy stache like this???

At the end of the day, don't we all just want to read books and eat pastries?

ok fiiiine I’ll try to have a good day geez

Can't tell which is hotter, me or the coffee? ᶦᵗ ᶦˢ ᵗʰᵉ ᶜᵒᶠᶠᵉᵉ

Past me is a dipshit for not taking today off

A Pringle man would probably solve all my problems

Ok but like if you be dreaming and remember it, you got to tell me. I love hearing that stuff☺️

Congrats to everyone that made some good money tonight 🏈

Also *kind of turned on. *heavily

Samesies

Well, well, well 😏

If Bad Bunny can instantly heal the Bluesky timeline, what can't he do.

A Pringle man would probably solve all my problems

Bad Bunny winked at me

Might be my favorite half time show to date🔥🔥🔥

Also *kind of turned on. *heavily