Javier, our new CEO, wanted to thank everyone for a fun and motivating first week. You all have made his transition process enjoyable. He has much to do but insisted on relaying that his initial numbers indicate that the dogs are all very good and will likely continue to be ❤️

Merry everything.

Let it Joe, let it Joe, let it Joe!

come get a surreal sandwich at Salvador's Delí

This is Bandit. He fell asleep while getting out of bed. We've all been there. 12/10 sweet dreams buddy (u/yarntist)

wanna scare somebody with Punisher insignia all over their jeep? easy, just ask them to punish you. c'mon big boy, i wanna be punished. yeah not so tough anymore are ya?

Saying ‘let’s get this done before the holidays’ should be considered a hate crime.

A show set in Brooklyn in the 1970s with a charismatic, streetwise detective named Sodomy Smith.

A special holiday bukkake: you, twelve grandmas, and a blizzard of Christmas cookies.

hey girl, are you hiring? cuz i would love to apply within.

IDK, being thrown under the bus sounds nice.

i like how people tell you to drive safely like you weren’t planning to but then you’re like ‘ok, fine’

Sorry I'm late. I met a dog.

Perfect office holiday party: bring your dog, host it at your house, tell absolutely no one.

He looks like he’s trying to stop his dog from leaving him

Never apologize for treating your dog like a baby. In a world that forces you to be tough, having a creature that lets you be soft, nurturing, and vulnerable is a blessing. You are lucky if one loves you, you are luckier still if you love each other.

I bet Rudolph is sick of your shit too.

Lord, please give me the strength to be as relentless and petty as 50 Cent.

You should be able to get rich being silly online instead of being evil online, that would solve a lot of problems

If Thanksgiving taught me anything, it’s that I need an unimpeachable excuse to escape Christmas with family — medical, dramatic, or both.

My Elf on the Shelf told me he doesn’t do mornings, overhead lighting, or angles below the chin. Same, honestly.

My Elf on the Shelf isn’t watching me. He’s rehearsing. For what? Unclear. But there’s choreography.

You can tell the difference between “gay” and “guy” by the two D’s. Obviously.

a Se7en remake with justin timberlake would be a christmas movie

i could draw a sideways eight forever

ME: i’m going to jump in the shower real quick WIFE: okay [5 minutes later] WIFE: hello 911 my husband jumped in the shower

it's illegal to drive stick without needlessly jiggling the shifter

muting just raises the bar

The satanic farmers almanac is calling for ALL HAIL.

giving everyone custom gifts they can bring out once a year with my face on it and calling it a christmas ornameanttocallyouback

🎶 icicle, icicle, icicle I want to drive my icicle, icicle, icicle I want to drive my icicle I want to drive it in your heart🎶

a Battlestar Wars Trek could fix me

I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.

i’m always appreciative when players include jr on their jerseys so i don’t confuse them with their father

Bought an at-home blood pressure machine just to feel a little hug.

wrapping these taco bell gift cards with toilet paper

this is pretty crazy but you know what is actually a great stocking stuffer? a foot. it's literally the exact same shape as the stocking, it's wild

day 2468 of hitting the pizza button on the microwave and still no pizza

The Nobel Prize committee should announce the World Cup winner tomorrow

late night shenanigans

Touching base is cool, circling back ain't too bad, and putting a pin in it does the trick, but you know what really gets me going? Running it up the flagpole

Thankful I’m not a cruise person — I like my vacations without the risk of being trapped in a floating mall with magicians.

When someone spells “stationery” correctly.

murder, she peed in the snow

if your burrito has red rice and they DON’T give you lime, they’re depriving you of extra happiness

reverse mortgage cowgirl

*seductively* sooo.. is there a mama roach?

Funniest part of an NFL football game is when the defense gets a turnover and very briefly the football team turns into the theatre club and they do their little performance they rehearsed that week.