Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve barely touched your cheatballs.

The mortician could do the funniest thing

I’m at the gym I’m at the horse race I’m at the combination gym and horse race

Would

ME: it’s boxing day SCHRÖDINGER’S CAT: oh shit oh fuck

Repeating “Demo Ootbi: the Best Storage for Veeam” over and over again like a mantra

I suppose this is a step up from the hot singles in your area ads 🫏

Could I have the gloup zero, please? I’m watching what I eat.

She’s green for an amazing reason* 🧟‍♀️ *weird bathroom lighting

GOD: if my commandments get 50,000 likes, i will tell Abraham to kill his son

“Dark Gary” is the name of my sleep paralysis demon

I bought some cheese

The birthday girl 🥳

Ok, hear me out… use these whistles at ICE protests.

New fear unlocked

AS WAS FORETOLD

Her whistle brings all the hogs to the yard And they’re like, ya got any slop? Damn right, we want to eat slop…

Acquiring the whistle that makes 30-50 feral hogs run into my yard within 3-5 minutes

Cannibalism

On my way to annoy you

Head empty, no thoughts

The aristocrats!

You: so you don’t have a costume? Me: wrong. Murder raccoon.

I met an owl named Goober. He still has some of his baby feathers. 🪶

It’s cat day!?!

I wish we could block people on Teams

you have to admit it’s funny that they cared about the Cracker Barrel logo as long if not longer than this

I’m trying to befriend the corvids

being afraid of the subway is so fucking funny. you mean the choo-choo train???

Face down Ass up That’s the way I like my ducks

Synchronized swimming 🦆🦆

getting a free abortion at the woke cracker barrel

I saw a rat on my way to the gym this morning and blurted out, “Ohh! Look! A rat!” in delight 🐀

*crawling through your doggie door* are you mad at me?

Taste the rainbow (meerkats) 🌈

feelin like this rn

How your email finds me

Primal scream 🙀

Go for it. I don't even care any more.

Genuinely trying to figure out what a VIP experience with the Xyzal owl entails

It happened to me: I went into a bathroom with 13 empty stalls*, and someone went into the stall next to me. *literally all of the other stalls were empty

I open Facebook. I see this. I close Facebook.

Trickle Down to Hell, bitch

Oh Lord

Can I direct y’all’s attention to the “disembodied hands and loaf of bread” altar decoration that is inexplicably making my internal organs itchy?

Wake up babe, there's a new book of Genesis

Su-su-sudiOH SHIT

Phil Collins baby jesus a boxer briefs guy, confirmed

Where is that drum break coming from?