Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!

This movie is slightly too boring to live tweet, but I must tell you all the big twist that just happened: When they ask the computer to take the mysterious code and remove all the numerals except six, it reveals that it says…. 666

We need backstory hardly ever and origin stories almost never. It’s so much more fun when the guy just shows up and everybody’s like “Oh no, here comes Dogface McGraul!” and we go from there.

Appropriate since snakes do not have arms.

That’s Smee in the corner

ARIES: It’s pretty funny how you were only trying to do some stargazing to keep up with the space program, and next thing you know you’re seeing your future. Life just is completely weird sometimes, isn’t it? Which coincidentally also explains a lot about your future.

Boy. Some people are really stupid!

OLLIONS

Trying to figure out invisible forces constantly skewing my monitor. Must be poltergeist.

Pumpkin Spice Madman

Pumpkin Spice Confederate States

Keep the LOST in Lost Causemas!

As the father of a middle schooler I have seen the rebellion against AI forming there — even using “that’s AI, bro,” not indicating something is literally AI, but that something is metaphorically so — it’s sus, it’s bullshit, it’s bad weird

Lord, venmo me strength

They are definitely giants

Excellent analogies 🧵

it's like VERBATIM that meme about adult Catholic converts except they're doing it completely without irony

And now it’s time for Fun Science Facts

BREAKING: Following the American threat of an “Avignon Papacy,” Robert Kennedy has begun a Diet of Worms

ROMEO: But soft, what light in yonder window breaks? It is some rough beast, its hour come round at last, Slouching towards— oh, not you again! BEAST: ’sup?

"sorry I can't come to your once-in-250-years party. I'll be busy doing something it would actually make much more logical sense to do four days later. I bumped it up on purpose so I could throw it in your face. eat shit forever, amen" there is no hater on earth like a hater from Chicago

For those confused: - Antipope: Exact replica of the Pope but comes from the mirror universe; if he ever shakes our Pope’s hand they both will blow up - Bizarro Pope: A low-level satanist who is fallible in every utterance - Counterpope: Martin Luther

dad: so whats the deal with the war me: *speaks for 5 min* dad: wow that is an impressive analysis me: thanks I took it from a person I follow online who is a subject matter expert dad: oh whats their name me: They are a cartoon dog wearing underwear as a face mask called Piss Prevail On Earth

Part of the problem is that it’s hard to say “It’s wrong to murder millions of innocent civilians” without sounding like Tom Lehrer

Mario, that story was so beautiful, I'm ready to barf!

HEEEELP!!! My life is over! I'm a prisoner of love!

ME: Okay the plan might seem a little complicated but hear me out. We give a parrot to the White House and tell them that it’s their new very best friend. But unbeknownst to anyone, we’ve trained the parrot to say, “Polly want a ceasefire” PRIEST: This is a plan for what again ME: Just hear me out

Lord, venmo me strength

THAT! is a bad idea. Now you can screenshot this and use it in the replies if ever someone posts a bad idea. Looks like my work here is done! [grabs bungee cord to swing off into the sunset but misses and falls to my doom]

Welkins the Rescuer really reached its peak after Season 10, when Leticia the Whisperer left the show and they added Jack Rabbit. It’s a shame they don’t let TV shows these days have a few dozen seasons to experiment and find their voice. With ten seasons most shows have barely begun their myth arc

It’s not my fault your grandma’s bad at karate

The most quietly savage put-down I’ve come across from Venezuelan Spanish is la inteligencia los persigue, ellos son más rápidoso. It means “intelligence is chasing them, but they are faster.”

All the best oracle are saying, Donald, if you invade PERSIA, a great empire will fall! We love our ORACLES, especially as regards to Delphi and Future! thank you for your attention to this matter!

Look! A taco stand!

At last, we can go back to posting normal stuff like, Why didn’t Beyond Burgers get Bart Simpson to do their commercials so he could say “Don’t have a cow, man”?

It's my Red-Hot Pepper Detector, and it's going off-scale!

Come on then, and remove him.

Political Commentary Bot Is Undefeated, cont’d.

Mario, I hate this plan!

when the Doomsday Clock strikes, does a little bird pop out and say "coup coup, coup coup"

The Moon: oh wow you guys decided to come back Artemis II crew: earth’s haunted

On second thought, mayonnaise-flavored toothpaste would probably be fatal:

I’ve got a casus bellyache

Good morning! Doomscrolling got you down? Here are the things you can think about instead: - The cheese - Pelicans - Henry Walden Thoreau - Cybersnacks - Goldenrod - the Most Merciful Cowboy - Elfs - One toothpick only - Welkins the Rescuer - Fish and chocolate chips - Bird head - Tomata - Molluscs

Congratulations to the Artemis II team, I hope they’re finally able to find out what sex the turtle is

#Artemis II lunar flyby images are showing up! 😍 A crescent Earth setting behind the Moon.

(Grandma Mario speaks through The Old Psychic Lady with the Evil Eye Who Reads Fortunes and Knows Everything Before it Happens, but with her voice instead of The Old Psychic Lady’s.)

Did anybody remember to set the Doomsday Clock back an hour