I'm made of stardust, but I still have to do chores.

if you call it being “in progress” instead of being “a real fucken mess” you’ll still get zero interaction on your linkedin profile

He’s surrounded by such wormy little losers at the White House that I think he was like wow a cool guy

Mamdani looking down on Trump like you’d watch a dog try to open a locked door with their paws

I’m gonna implore everyone here to take the W if only to experience the feeling again.

The squirrels will tell my story.

Restaurants, five ravioli is not enough to qualify as a meal – especially if you’re asking $20+ for it. I speak for everyone. You’re on notice.

She saves you at first, then slowly and steadily she destroys you.

Before I got married, I never realized you could sneeze like an asshole

Oh no! Please, Mr. Artist! don't make me reflect on the part I play in this capitalist drama!

Of all the ways you could spend 34 minutes today, this is one! We're crapping on AI (as it should be) in gaming and entertainment in, giving a side-eye to the cringe-y sidekick in the latest Metroid Prime 4 preview, speculating about Steam Machine, and more on You Like the Worst Stuff 582! Booyah! 🎧

go away responsibilities, nobody likes you

For every “can’t stop, won’t stop” there is an equal and positive “straight up, gave up”

A lady called in today with a complaint that was totally valid and I completely matched her outrage in agreement. She seemed to enjoy that and I did, too.

“Men only want one thing.” Not true. There’s like three things.

oh dang, did your biggest sale ever just get bigger?!?!?? wow man

Dr. Barr from the TOP FUCKNG ROPE

Drinking coffee until I turn into The Great Cornholio

Trump and Cheney both probably responsible for upwards of one million deaths but one of them is a patriot because most of the people were brown foreigners and he wasn’t openly tacky on tv

It's around this time each year the familiar feeling of neglect descends upon Mrs. Claus.

Choose a lane, whale sharks.

As the dogs and bees continued their attack, I tried in vain to remember my favorite things.

Crayola taste on a Rose Art budget

Do you know what’s awesome? Nothing

I miss when wars were fought wearing coordinated outfits and were settled using choreographed dance routines

AC/DC comes over the loudspeakers and I start to sing Five whispers something in daddy’s ear. Daddy to Five: All old people know this song, honey.

You do not need AI to "punch up" your email. Just send it and move on with your life, Dostoevsky.

The bon jovi rest stop is "halfway there" between my house and my mom's and I think that's beautiful

“Quiet, piggy!” he oinked.

The vibe I bring to any function

Things I’ve learned from my first time substitute teaching: • I do not know how to use a Chromebook • Subs without logins make for sub-par tech support • Some classes are more about survival than sticking to the lesson plan • Art class is an absolute gift assignment, teacher left great notes [1/2]

I’m going to turn into a piece of cardboard, you can use me for a craft or storage or a gift for your cat

Queen of leaving the one comment on a post that doesn’t get a like

sometimes i think people must not be on bsky bc i’m not getting many likes but then i reread my posts and am like oh yeah right

Is there a belly rumblings interpreter in the house cos i'm pretty sure mine has something urgent to tell the world

Like it or not this technology is here to stay and if you don’t use it you’ll fall behind in your industry

Woke up and chose passive-aggressive. Maybe I can explain that to you when you find the time

friend: whatcha thinkin about me: shouldn’t it be giving a dump instead of taking a dump friend: I knew I shouldn’t have asked

stockpiling wishbones for political reasons

Don’t bullshit me i read every Encyclopedia Brown scholastic had to offer

As we get stupider, socks won’t just be marked R and L but also FOOT

What’s wrong babe you’ve barely touched your tranche of incriminating emails this morning

You can top my sweet potato casserole with your marshmallows if you wanna

Vile Weed

I haven’t deactivated in 5 days. Please clap

"Your life has no direction." "Yes it does." "What?" "Untoward."

He said I was arrogant, so I set about him with my sceptre.

Therapy isn’t enough. I need to fight God.

Kid hurt his toe at the park playing soccer when he kicked a tree root he didn’t see. Why can’t he just sit on his computer all day like a normal kid. I bet they don’t come home with a sock full of blood.

just remember, lettuce gets recalled all of the time due to e coli. bourbon never does.