If you see this, post something you saved because it's funny.

Existential bleh.

Why do they call it a "restroom" when it's where I practice karate

Wait - are they called Boys II Grampas now?

What's your favorite space color? 1. sunset on Mars 2. weird nebula 3. dark matter 4. Io, the pizza moon

up and avoid ‘em!

Share a preacher, nun or priest.

JFC That's it. That's all I got...

There is no McTry.

If the old blooski is really dying I'm just proud that I've never called them skeets.

Nobody: Nobody at all: Melania, 4:35 on a Wednesday: I ain't eat no babies and whoever said I like butter on roasted baby is a goddam liar

For the record, I support sex workers, just not low-life skank criminals who aide, abet and protect pedos.

Good to know that nobody what's going on in the world, the democrats are still emailing me for money.

I might be Cuban but I consider my English to be very good. That said, I will always pronounce it, "organIZation"; never "organEYEzation".

sorry if this is controversial but i prefer when things are good instead of when they are bad

According to the Word of the Day, I suffer from, or maybe practice, misoneism.

woke up feeling a little feverish, if someone else could please haunt the moors around the village this morning i’d really appreciate it

I eat nothing but garbage, but stopped eating actual sweets a couple of years ago. But with everything sucking the way it is, with no end in sight, why not just start eating whatever I want? Why not?!? 😭

Good news is that WWIII didn't start (in earnest) yet. Bad news is that we gotta work.

When you get mad at me, this is who you're getting mad at

I hope that "stupidly religious" people pray extra hard to ensure any nuclear fallout dramatically bypasses their homes when it happens.

Armageddon is terrible, but our only other option was diversity trainings at work.

Seems like a great day for this entire regime to be removed* and replaced with normal people who can hopefully start reversing all the damage. *by any means necessary

SOS! SOS! SOS!

Told a guy I liked him. He scrunched up his face and shook his head. 4th grade,Mrs. Jones. Fuck you, Derek. Haiku Tuesdays.

There is a very summer-like torrential downpour in Miami right now. Early April, one of our drought months. But no, no, climate change ain't real, yo!

I love that when I'm nervous, my voice goes up at least an octave, and becomes about 100 decibels louder. Love that for me.

I love this scene

I'm in a bad mood. It must be another day that ends in Y.

Despite my typos, I will never lead you ashtray.

about time someone called that motherfucker out

Calm down responsibilities, I'm over here trying to be sarcastic on the internet.

I wonder how many parents are pranking their kids by giving them Easter baskets overflowing with tinsel and when the kids clear the tinsel away there's just a mirror underneath and they look into the mirror and know the moment and the means of their own death

happy easter! 🐑 🩷

I know alcoholism is a very real illness, but I hate when used as a trope.

Chick-fil-A is leaving so much money on the table but not being open today to serve bunny sandwiches.

This is apparently real, so why is this man still president? Hell, why is he still alive?

i’m evil (complimentary) but some of y’all are evil (derogatory)

Do you ever black out for 48 hours and come to near a freshly filled grave?

God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI. Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad, I misheard you.

Hi. It's me, the dude that seriously needs Anger Management control. Damn.

I've been at work for at least 347 hours today. Not good after all, Friday. Not good.

So I got an email from Red Lobster. Yeah, yeah, I know. But the subject line kills me: It's Fish Friday! Gotta capitalize on the one day christians don't eat meat.

We need your help. The Trump administration is dismantling the U.S. Forest Service. 193 million acres of public land (bigger than Texas) is being handed over to political operatives and industry insiders.

Any Friday when you’re getting nailed is a Good Friday.

Who's your favorite person who was crucified? Mine's Jesus

I know we’re all waiting for It, but It can’t happen on Good Friday, otherwise they’ll be all “IT’S A SIGN! HE WILL BE BACK ON SUNDAY!”

Clara might not have been the best drummer to respond to the Craigslist ad, but she was the only one that brought cookies to the audition and promised to make everyone in the band matching sweaters.