Relationships come and go. OSHA compliance is forever.

cat: ok, we’re getting out of here, I’ve got an escape plan baby: ok, I’ll tell the dog cat: no! don’t tell the dog, he’s a snitch

As if things didn't suck enough, I made the coffee too weak. The hits just keep on coming...

Advertise your accent with a gif (I guess?)

It has come to my attention that I am awake. Let me be perfectly clear - I do not want to be awake. I will be drawing up articles of impeachment against my brain.

The Imposter Syndrome is kicking my ass today. Well, lately. Well, all the fucking time.

BEWARE These innards are a dark and haunted space. BEWARE

She was rare, like a billionaire that isn't a pedophile.

Me: ugh, I don't want people noticing my moobs My moobs: NIPPLES, HERE! GET YOUR POINTY NIPPLES HERE!

Indiana Jones and the Quest To Have A Normal Day

Over on the threads, I just replied to a *checks notes* Taylor Swift cover band? But listen it's 3 AM and it was to bash the orange POS so I'm justified in my actions.

Must be nice to be sleeping right now, huh? Huh?!

I've never listened to Bring Me The Horizon, this vocal cover has come to my attention, and damn, this woman's voice is amazing. Quite the vocal roller-coaster. youtu.be/r6L-GUOAhGo?...

WHYYYY

Every day, Bane and Thanos seem more and more reasonable.

Things I wish I could do at my desk at work instead of actual work: - "Play" guitar - Read a horror book - Pet a dog - Pet a goat - Avoid the beckoning penance stare of a goat

I think it's time for people to start rebelling against going into fields that do not pay well because they have a good heart and want to care for people. The backbones of this society aren't actually paid well and will never be financially wealthy. It's actually counterintuitive.

I don't know who the OP was, but this is perfection.

be ungovernable

Most terrifying things on Earth: 1. Opening the front camera by accident. 2. Saying “you too” when the waiter says “enjoy your meal.” 3. Someone holding the door for you when you’re 40 feet away.

do not go all willy-nilly into that good night

"Everything comes to he who waits. And I have waited so very long for this moment."

celebrate President's Day by impeaching the president

Dude has a chance to make this the funniest Presidents Day ever

To make matters even worse, this new headshaver thingy is not really working out... ...because there is no g0d and we are all alone in this infinite darkness.

Always a bridesmaid, never a pulsating orb of light

dread Dread DREAD D R E A D D R E A D

“Persist one more time, motherfucker!” - Me addressing the horrors

I'm just quietly banging my head against the wall while asking, "Why?" repeatedly and rage eating peanut butter by the spoonful about it. You?

Being sad as fuck is a full time job.

on this nominally day of Jesus or whatever I'd like to nominate Saint Brown of the Hoodie

Hello! I have a pimple...on my nose! Shall I guide your sleigh tonight? Serious inquiries only.

Normally I'd be stressing about the coming work week, but I have a small social thing today, so a lot of my stress is about that. But no worries, my work related stress is *right* there. And of course all the regime related stress never goes away. So in summation - stress.

Guys, it's okay. You're safe now.

FYI, according to Walmart we've moved on to Easter. Please adjust your calendars.

Bad news bad guys. If I had super powers, people who leave shopping carts in parking spaces would suffer almost as badly as actual criminals. (insert dirty look here)

Well a Happy VD to you...

I am but a mere vessel for cream cheese.

I feel kinda bad when I see new followers. So you make mistakes too, eh?

Been saying "uh oh" a worrying amount lately

If you say "my skin is so dry" people might recommend a lotion but if you say "my skin is so wet" no one will help you

Yes yes, I have the day off, but still

[not listening at all] You've given me a lot to think about

What's the best type of lair? 1. skull shaped space station 2. deep sea volcano 3. ancient hollow tree 4. interdimensional library

Friday the 13th, eh? Jason Vorhees has a chance to do the funniest thing today... FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 13: JASON TAKES WASHINGTON DC

mental illness is like Lay's potato chips: I can't have just one

Holy shit. It me...

I have a headache and that's gonna be a problem for you now...

Now children, gather round and listen to the story about how in my day, ghouls haunted graveyards and feasted on human flesh, and I really think we were all better off that way.