1991 Record Producer - "How long can you extend the word 'door'? Axl Rose - "Dooooooooohoooooooowoooooooooooor"

I have a milestone birthday coming up and want to do something special. What's the most number of people I can reasonably include in a murder/sucide pact?

I'm going play pinball for three hours and none of you can stop me

I don’t like to be the 1037th person to like a post, so if one is doing well, I send an edible arrangement. It’s just me in pants, but whatever

ALERT! ALERT! I was called cool by a youth. ALERT! ALERT!

I could eat a small sailboat of chicken It’s important that you understand it’s a sailboat not a motorboat I need you to get that it’s a small boat not a large one Small Sail Boat Of chicken Good talk

Nobody talks about how satisfying it is to unsubscribe from an email you’ve been deleting for four years. This is what victory tastes like.

But do you finish their NEXT sentence…?

me: correct me if I’m wrong- the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right

I need an old-timey tetris on game boi

one time i awkwardly called someone “dawg” and i still have night terrors about it

i’m such a tradwife that i can’t climax unless i’m fantasizing about churning butter

Two thirds of ten is so zoomer gen. After 6.6666666 it eventually goes 6-7

Windows update is a cunt. If I left my laptop on overnight it was on purpose. Updating and restarting on me always always always kills whatever reason I left it on overnight to do some work.

I have two wolves inside me. One ate Red Riding Hood's granny, and he won't stop boasting to the other about it.

A dog’s sense of smell is commonly estimated to be about 10,000 to 100,000 times more sensitive than a human’s. What I’m saying is that your dog can definitely smell your fart.

Skeelo wished he was a baller because a baller is two thirds of the way to a ballerina

after columbia house screwed me over on the 15 albums for a penny thing I went and sent in 30 or 40 more penny offers for multiple fake named people in my building just to screw them back. I'd still be doing it if they were still offering that shit.

If you listen very carefully you can hear the Mario shrinking sound whenever I get my feelings hurt

Being annoying and irrelevant should be an Olympic sport

It’s confusing to me that there’s no word in the English language for waking up in the middle of the night to eat ice cream

Ask me my body count and I will legit tell you how many people I’ve killed.

You can be an idiot, you just have to believe in yourself.

[235 years ago] America: say what you want America: carry a gun America: protest the government [today] America: CHOOSE ONE!

I just discovered that you can buy anyone if the price is right, and it turns out that I'm available for a bacon sandwich and a quarter bottle of rubbing alcohol.

reasons why I can’t meet up for coffee or attend your event/party: • organizing post-it notes • alphabetizing random shit • making lists

Mother, I am well. The captain continues to dismiss my suggestions. It is not easy being the only Klingon. I do enjoy poker nights. Worf

People complaining about being back to work on Monday aren't trying hard enough to build a time machine so they can go back and make sure their mom marries a rich guy

Being an adult is just being able to afford a bunch of candy you can't eat

What do I do for a living? Performative yawns mostly

2026 is the year we tire of AI’s saccharine sweet cheeriness

I just wanna be a magnet on your fridge and watch you eat string cheese at 3am

2025 has been such a clown fuck of a shit circus that i bet almost none of you remember they released the JFK files

My 2026 resolution is to sleep until 2027.

Manifesting peace, love, and a little go fuck yourself for the new year

I'm dreamy in that I don't make sense and people forget me five seconds after I leave line of sight.

A brand new year ... in this economy??

paper whites open delicate petals, nature’s origami yawns

McDonald’s: Any sauces with that? Me: do you have béchamel?

One time I had a package delivered to a porta potty at new construction next to my house. Bro was like huh these people must really live in a porta potty.

Learned all of the music and feelings you should have as a human being just from a television experience so now I know that I am a sad and complete kind of person, I'll take it because it's closing creditsable

ASS SKEET?!??!

Wife: he's so quiet, where is his head right now? Me: I'm a 100% sure that it would be impossible to barbeque a Phoenix

I wonder what people in the year 87 BC thought C stood for

why count sheep when I can count my troubles

Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking makes you cool

the dream but not the drive

Titanic is my favourite movie about a lady who disposes of some jewellery she doesn’t want anymore

You only need 3 ties. Wedding, funeral and job interview. That’s all the ties you ever really need.