I don’t need more groove toys, I don’t need more groove toys, I don’t need more… ooh shiny!

bet they stopped making those colorful iMacs bc too many giants thought they were gumdrops.

the cool thing about being an adult is when you use all the free will you have stored up. first of all fuck thanksgiving, I'm having dipsgiving where I feed my family a variety of hot dips with chips and crackers. also, fuck a turkey when you can have various cheeses????

If you assume that I am just that stupid then everything I do suddenly makes so much more sense.

Mornin' 🐾

The only way I would climb Mt Everest is if a helicopter dropped me off at the summit and then came back to pick me up after I took a selfie. I know that's impossible but I can dare to dream.

i've decided to dedicate my retirement to using up all the tins of tea i've been gifted over the last 30 years

My dad always jokes that when he dies he wants to be Claymated.

(Back to the Future if it were made in 2025) Marty: You're telling me you made a time machine... out of a Tesla? Doc Brown: Yep! As you can see it exploded into those two flaming lines on the street, in sixty seconds it'll be back! (ten minutes later) Doc Brown: Any minute now

Personally, I love music. I mean, sometimes I'll be listening to a song and I'll be like "hell yeah."

Taxman by the Beatles is a trip. When they sing “one for you nineteen for me” they’re not being hyperbolic - for every £20 they earned the taxman took £19 via a 95% income tax rate. Taxman really was taking the absolute piss.

I……… have become, comfortably numb

My coworker smells like farts and has the personality of a fart and for these reasons I will be going home early today.

The released Epstein files will have more black lines than a 19th century prison uniform.

It’s absolutely your responsibility to guide your eldest child to good music. After that they can teach each other. I got my lead from my older brother, who got his lead from our older sister.

I can promise you I never have and never will want to zig a zig ah

It's called gallows humour, ffs. Don't let the trapdoor hit your arse on the way out.

Strictly Come Wanking No.. that’s a shit idea. Next

sitting on my thumbs until they go numb so it feels like someone else is reposting my skeets

If I had to compare myself to any literary hero it would be Sonic because I always have the runs.

During the course of Dirty Dancing, Baby learns a total of one dance. It’s the same dance at the end that she learns for the hotel gig.

I feel like Inspector Gadget would be so much fun in bed.

I know October is over but listen, there’s no reason we can’t extend spooky season all the way to Christmas. Who’s going to stop us? Mariah Carey? The guardian of holiday cheer and all things jolly? Possibly… but we won’t know if we don’t try.

instead of a baby monitor we got the bebé an iphone so we can just facetime but the bebé never answers

Turns out saying “oh that was my childhood dogs name” when some introduces themselves isn’t the ice breaker I though it would be

*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*

imagine how good it must've felt for the first person to ever complain, i mean we haven't quit since

Elisabeth is just several shorter names in a trench coat.

Where does Han Solo go to get spooky tattoos? Tattoo-ween

There is never redemption any fool can regret yesterday ~ Richey Edwards

Every time there’s a birth on a tv show I point out that much like all tv babies it’ll be born 3 months old. I’m usually right. Sometimes it’s born as a cgi.

I loaded Street Fighter onto my Nintendo Switch 2 and like when tf did video games find it necessary to have these long ass intro videos? I think its been playing for three straight days when tf do I get to play the game?

so we can fit one thousand islands into a bottle of salad dressing but when it comes to human rights politicians are like ehhhh that’s a little too hard to figure out y’all.

Hotel Chocolat doesn't have hot chocolate you can make in a hotel. This is upsetting for a number of reasons. In this essay I will...

going to travel back in time to be a god until my battery dies

I took the dog for a wok. I don't know why. He can't cook for shit.

all of my retirement hopes now rest entirely with my partial collection of commemorative state quarters, a complete set of encyclopedias from 1974, some slap bracelets, a dozen slightly scratched k-tel records, and my final unused gwyneth paltrow vagina candle

all dolled up: i put on makeup all Dalí’ed up: i put on makeup without my contacts in

If it makes you any happier, you are the dumbest engineer I’ve ever met

Welp. It finally happened. Amazon drivers take note, if you deliver cardboard packages into my cardboard recycling bin don’t be surprised when the council take them to the tip before I get to retrieve them. Yes I will have a refund on that stuff thanks.

the rapture is tuesday which means earth will soon become the biggest thrift shop ever.

Me: Is that Elizabeth the Goth? Them: Whoa! It’s Black Betty.

was gonna plant a bunch of flower bulbs but they were too heavy so I switched to light bulbs

My nine year old: Are you cool? Me: I guess so, yeah 9 y o: You're a constipated, overrated, outright loser? and then he laughed for seven minutes

These days you say something weird once and thanks to social media, the next day everybody’s saying it. Y’all don’t understand what dedication to the craft really means. I spent 1993-1998 calling taking a leak “dropping an ace” until I heard a stranger say it in the men’s room line at a Red Sox game

Feels like I have the flu but like emotionally

I'd say I'm more of an Indiana Jokes