Are we witnessing a second impeachment caused by a Clinton blowjob?

When Trump is out of office, I hope they use his ballroom to host drag shows.

I don't know what's creepier. That Trump wants to fuck his own daughter, or that Eric Trump wants to suck his dad's dick.

"I have no idea what the fuck I'm looking at here." - Me, looking at the new Kreator album artwork.

State Farm doesn't know me at all. A good neighbor to me isn't always there. I want a neighbor that I never see.

I always knew that Coldplay actually meant to cause you trouble.

A gangster rooster is also known as a hard cock.

Elon Musk was wearing a shirt that says The Dogefather. That's why he got a black eye.

My non binary girlfriend is never more my boyfriend than when they give me a high five after I make a joke about them sucking my dick.

Happy mother's day to all the dog moms out there.

This really would be the stupidest reality if Trump actually became the pope. Like, nothing that could ever happen would be as stupid as that.

Beetlejuice 3 better be titled Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetleju-.

So... eggs are cheaper now, right? RIGHT!?!

When a bunch of ghosts jizz on your face, it's called a bookaka.

I would fuck my girlfriend wearing anything except for black face.

Why does this look like a dog sleeping?

My non binary girlfriend is never more my boyfriend than when they're finishing off a bag of chips.

A new episode of Cooking Mushrooms with Marty? That's what we have here! Watch, enjoy and follow the recipe. youtu.be/3gFUUFTl9WY?...

The mayonnaise at Five Guys is made of cum from five guys.

The phrase "boys will be boys" only applies to white men.

The newest episode of Cooking Mushrooms with Marty (that he can't eat) is available for all your viewing pleasures. Enjoy the silliness, follow the recipe for a delicious ass meal and subscribe to the channel. youtu.be/W05EcazOH7o?...

My brother drives a Tesla so everyday I text him just to make sure he didn't blow up.

Should hulking out be an impeachable offense?

I feel like we're not disturbed enough by how much ghost jizz is always just floating around us.

Time for a new Cooking Mushrooms with Marty (that he can't eat). Please watch, follow the recipe and enjoy a delicious pasta meal. youtu.be/lgokeRN5SZ8?...

It's been a while but Cooking Mushrooms with Marty (that he can't eat) is back with an all new episode. Enjoy! youtu.be/nvMsf4o6RWc?...

I feel like a lot of Trump supporters would have also voted for Tony Clifton.

There is no harmonizing duo as iconic as Mark Hoppus and Tom DeLonge.

I wonder if anyone ever told Elvis that he had the energy of someone who will die on the toilet.

"Wow, this guy has a lot of cool hoodies." - People watching my standup on TikTok

If someone says, "You look nice today," what they really mean is that you generally look like shit.

A store that sells anything you could want for your home and so much more at totally affordable prices, but if the staff doesn't like you, they will beat the shit out of you. It's an agreement you sign when walking in. They can call it Blood Bath & Beyond.

Men would rather blame their domestic terrorism on ISIS than go to therapy.

I'm a rare breed. A millennial that didn't start a podcast in 2020.

If men got pregnant, all births would be C Sections because no dude would ever subject his dick hole to that.

I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas is the Make America Great Again of Christmas carols.

I'm not sure which I prefer. Long showers while on drugs or long showers after a ten hour shift.

I know Willem Dafoe already played Nosferatu in Shadow of the Vampire, but I think it's bullshit that he's in the new Nosferatu movie but not as Nosferatu. Fuck this movie. Boycotting!

It's cute that he thinks Judas Priest has any thoughts whatsoever about his band.

Santa Claus having an orgasm like, "Oh oh oh!"

Episode 3 of the mini cooking show I do with my dog, Cooking Mushrooms with Marty (that he can't eat), is now available for all your viewing pleasures.

One time, I know you're all not gonna believe me, but one time I saw a commercial that Shaq wasn't in.

The craziest thing is that we live in a country with all these guns and this is the first time something like this has happened.

If they don't want your hand-me-down hoodies, they don't really love you.

It's like my grampa always said, if you're gonna do acid, do it in the morning.

Episode 2 of Cooking Mushrooms with Marty (that he can't eat) is now available for your viewing pleasure. This was one of the best meals I've ever cooked. Enjoy! youtu.be/HtHJraeA_9Q?...

When I get to 1k followers I'm gonna take a picture of my dick. I won't post it, but the picture will be taken.

The first episode of my cooking show, Cooking Mushrooms with Marty (that he can't eat) is now on YouTube and TikTok. Give it a watch and subscribe to the channel. youtu.be/_Jl9TaVsSTk?...

I feel like we should refer to Elon Musk supporters as Muskrats.

Oh hello, seasonal depression for no reason. I've been expecting you.