what idiot called it a wave and not standing water

a nutri-grain bar is just an uncircumcised fig newton

i’m not just good at sex, i’m a

ME: can i take your picture MUSEUM CURATOR: what no

coworker thought that Michael Jackson covered Alien Ant Farm’s Smooth Criminal

I have never wound up on Threads on purpose.

man: i bet she’s thinking about other guys. me: arby’s is pronounced rb’s which stands for roast beef.

why yes, I happen to know all the struggles of today’s modern women. - me, after accidentally buying a pair of sweatpants without any pockets

“AI is gonna take your job” I’d like to see AI drink a little too much and text all his friends about how cherished they are

that’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, fighting with a pigeon

fix your hearts or die

me: *holding a devil’s food cake* satan: me: satan: give it back…

[trapped inside a volcano] Me: Toddler: Me: Toddler: Be Careful... Me: *sigh* Toddler: The floor is lava...

What did this person think saying this in my mentions would result in

Can a headline alone be eligible for a Pulitzer?

Me: What’s your favorite farm animal? Owen Wilson: Cow

Me: So is Panic! At the Disco saying it’s better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality, or poison rationality? Doctor: I meant questions about your surgery.

i do not trust birds that stand on one leg. what are they hiding

Me: So is Panic! At the Disco saying it’s better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality, or poison rationality? Doctor: I meant questions about your surgery.

if I had a boss I would simply jump on their head three times to defeat them

You ever go back and watch episodes of your kids favorite shows just to fill in all the plot points you missed? Just me then?

Who could have guessed that Neil Gaiman’s greatest work of fiction would be his kind, gentle persona? Devastated

you’ll never guess what this is in response to

coworker thought that Michael Jackson covered Alien Ant Farm’s Smooth Criminal

little disappointed blue sky doesn’t do anything like the balloons on your birthday, not gonna lie

Once again I am being punished for my competence

Ask yourself, "am I harder to kill than I was 8 years ago?"

it’s getting too cold for this shit

please stop suggesting I solve my problem by changing my behavior. I do not want to do that

I haven’t seen any naked breasts in my feeds recently, which is kind of odd. Put them back. I want someone to go through my likes one day and be shocked, then attempt to sabotage my future mayoral campaign

Misread sexual favors as sexual flavors, and now I got an idea for an adult Baskin-Robbins spin off.

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume? me: that’s where i forgot what happened

Me: What’s your favorite farm animal? Owen Wilson: Cow

[watching two towers with my son] me: did you know that scene when aragorn kicks the helmet— son: yes everyone knows— me: —is when i got your mom pregnant

36 year old coworker just realized Funyuns are onion flavored

The first hour of the morning is when the day really starts going downhill

once you have kids they will subconsciously do everything in their power to prevent you from creating any more

Misread sexual favors as sexual flavors, and now I got an idea for an adult Baskin-Robbins spin off.

on the oregon trail you can die of dysentery, but on the organ trail you run the risk of tripping over a random spleen

ME: do you have any specials PHARMACIST: what

jokes on you New Year’s Eve, I drop the ball all the time

jokes on you New Year’s Eve, I drop the ball all the time

slightly disappointed napkins have nothing to do with sleeping

tired eyes? try new folgers eye drops

NOSFERATU (dir Robert Eggers 2024)

My child, when there was only one set of footprints we were masking our numbers

Share a crush with no explanation

me: coworkers wife smashed his phone for looking at instagram girls my wife: how long has she been cheating on him? me: how’d you...