the best things in life are payable in four easy installments via klarna

my favorite AI bro tweet format is the "welcome [new agent version]" as if they did anything more than add a line in a config file somewhere and press deploy

[tapping her on the shoulder and pointing at the tv] that's the pluribus

i did not, repeat not just dip my sushi in my tea cup because i wasn’t paying attention. u must have me confused with someone else.

so help me god if any of u brits check ur wipers today

please don't do this. MAGA hats are made from an acrylic blend, which will release toxic chemicals when set on fire, potentially harming you and downwind woodland creatures

i accidentally opened a single "AI cover" of a song on youtube a month ago and now that fucking hellsite thinks that all i ever want to listen to 😭😭😭😭

me: hello, i have a structured settlement- jg wentworth: go on me: but I don’t need cash now jg wentworth: i am going to have you killed

Well well well if it isnt the Blowjob Brothers

That's crazy.

react devs: no bro i swear please i just need one more provider

a senior women’s christmas choir called silver belles

I remember one time my wife got mad at me for accidentally stepping on a spider so I said 'calm down PETA Parker' lol, and you guys, that did not help. At all.

a “Space Force”, if you will

curling up on the couch for a nice evening of cinema

terrified of sneezing while scrolling because i don’t want the algorithm to see that i spent a couple extra seconds with a post about stacking onion rings on it visible and then have my feed full of stacking posts for the next month

opening a dm from a scam bot just to feel desired

waking up to 19 notifications and pooping myself a little before realizing ennui accidentally added me to her favorite jokers list

Donald Trump’s approval rating has tanked and Republican suffered heavy losses in last week’s elections. There’s never been a better time for Senate Democrats to cave on the ACA extension.

Internet feuds are hilarious like sis you work in IT and mentally rehearse your takeout orders while standing in line, why do you have a mortal enemy?

SORRY THESE ARE LATE I TOOK TOO MANY EDIBLES AND COULDN’T ESCAPE THE CORN MAZE

what do u mean there's no boobs in this movie? it's in french!!!!!

this looks like a trick daffy duck would put up to get bugs bunny into "the oval office"

VP Cheney will be honoured with a 21 gun salute accidentally aimed directly at 21 of his friends

For the 6th year in a row, a player named Will Smith has won the World Series 2020 - Will Smith (C), Dodgers 2021 - Will Smith (RP), Braves 2022 - Will Smith (RP), Astros 2023 - Will Smith (RP), Rangers 2024 - Will Smith (C), Dodgers 2025 - Will Smith (C), Dodgers

Halloween: like Christmas but with boobs and candy

to my new york friends, remember: vote early and vote often

Wanna follow some fun accounts? Here are some of our faves with under 10k followers *pls DM if you'd like to be removed go.bsky.app/CW9mrXb

lmao

my only comment is that i have a brain problem where if something can be sung to the tune of "Buffalo Soldier" i will sing it to the tune of "Buffalo Soldier"

I am the undispoted kong of typos

HOW CAN I BUILD A BEAR I’M NOT GOD

my unexpected word association when i hear "lawrence of arabia" i do not think of the movie, i think of billy joel's song we didn't start the fire (which, obviously, was referencing the movie)

giving up a fastball middle middle to freddie fucking freeman is certainly a choice

i have achieved the impossible i just poured myself the perfect amount of soy sauce while eating sushi please contact my representation for interview requests

*Adobe takes a drag of a cigarette* I love making people’s days worse

I remain defeated when it comes to battle with a wasp.

no kings includes draft kings

Here I am. Rock me like a Burger King.

the show must goon

If you leave your car parked across the sidewalk I’m going to phase through it and I’m going to steal everything I can while I’m in there

a captcha but for verifying that you understand what a joke is

time to go upgrade to 5g (flu shot)

the fact that “slough” can be pronounced 3 different ways and all be correct is fucking bullshit

working on a new unified theory of american reality i'm calling "everyone is twelve now"

trying to explain to my wife that this is like our world series

reality tv producer: and how would u describe ur dancing style? me:

I’M NOT TRANS I JUST POST GOOD

u can’t shoot a man from 20 paces because of woke

People don't say va va voom enough when someone is showing tons of leg anymore, because of woke