save the bees, plant more trees, clean the seas, titties

i don’t know how but there’s a fucking bug *inside* of my monitors display panel

just burped so loud that my airpods noise cancellation turned off because it thought i was speaking, so that's something. how is ur day going

i want to start a youtube channel just so i can do those frightfully stupid youtube poses for the thumbnail but always pointing in the wrong fucking direction

whatever happened to that mf kony

welp got banned from r/photography for posting this so i guess i'll do it here: on a whim, i did a google reverse image search on some of my photos. turns out multiple companies had been using them without permission or payment i built imalume.com to help me collect money from these fucks

at the doctor getting my irony levels checked. they say theyre dangerously high but i think theyre being sarcastic

I just need someone I can slap on the ass every morning and say go get ‘em tiger

welp got banned from r/photography for posting this so i guess i'll do it here: on a whim, i did a google reverse image search on some of my photos. turns out multiple companies had been using them without permission or payment i built imalume.com to help me collect money from these fucks

do u think trump and hegseth have explored each others’ bodies

Me: you a real one Square Root of -2: ACTUALLY…

what are u talking about babe, *you're* the one who told *me* that gaslighting isn't real

it is a known fact that a car wash adds 10hp to your vehicle

kristi noem(ployment)

[guy who’s about to invent club soda] guy: i wish this 7-up was made in a factory of despair

the sag awards but my balls take home best picture for the 3rd consecutive year

we should add an 11th $1m millenium prize - solving the “reasoning with teenagers” problem

another day of getting into arguments. with people who are wrong on the internet. they are Always wrong

showing my dog the same grace she shows me and waiting until she goes for a nap and then farting directly into her nose

fifa peace prize: am i a fucken joke to u

the wicked witch of the west:

a dating app for people who have been through airport security at least once in their life

Mine ass has seen the glory of the farting of the butt

that feeling of pure terror when u have been on hold so long that when they finally answer the call, u forget why u were on the phone in the first place

need someone to explain to me like a moron how 4 years later, we’re still able to apply sanctions to russia. like wtf is left that we haven’t already done and why haven’t we already done it

if you think im going to let my plants die just because i forgot they existed youre absolutely right and im sorry

everyone wants me to "learn from my mistakes" but what if i just kept making them louder

if the illuminati wants me to join theyre going to have to slide into my dms like everyone else

the word "drugs" in spanish is spelled "drogas", with the "a" indicating that drugs are feminine, which makes sense because drugs, like women, are evil

Bring back volcano sacrifices!

This is ridiculous

Canada Canadians in Hockey ER triage 🤝 Gotta wait 4 years

who up who excited for the hockey game

at the grocery store. a toddler looked at me and started crying. finally someone who understands

throwback to when i made a mashup of bo burnham and a track by lipless and friends soundcloud.com/dj-jt-smith/...

i want to slap a girl’s butt cheek with some purple glitter but can't because of woke

the year is 2026. i am still updating java because a popup told me to and i dont know what will happen if i dont

at the dentist trying to explain to them that my teeth are supposed to be this color. they are not convinced

my astrological sign is "printer low on ink" and my horoscope says i will have technical difficulties today

hell yeah baybeeeeeee

Oh Captain! My Captain!

I don’t hate people, I just add their pics to my dart board

Olympics are fine but nothing beats the thrill of watching the map with the little car carrying my pizza

normalize paypalling me $100 every time u see one of my posts

refusing to contribute to the growing landfill problem by flushing my plastic wrappers down the toilet

just spent 45 minutes trying to find the end of the tape roll. i have been owned by adhesive

my favorite thing about being alive is that eventually it stops. but until then, more content

i just called my bank and said "i'd like to speak to ur manager about my account" and they transferred me and i just started screaming. i don't even have an account there. i'm at the wrong bank. i've been going to the wrong bank for 6 years. fuck u give me my money

they want me to stop calling 911 "the snitches and stitches line" but words mean things