just got my dad black belt by falling asleep to credence clearwater revival while wearing socks and sandals

i just hope taylor swift has a good time

[slips mortician $20] Great job he looks really dead

it’s the freakin weekend, baby i’m about to stare at my phone

the first roll of armadillo fight club is into balls

hamster kids: what’s for dinner hamster mom: toilet paper roll hamster kids: yay!

me: what do you mean i can’t have eggs today wife: *holding chicken head* we’re all making sacrifices

on you first day in prison walk up to the nicest looking guard and ask if he’ll let you out

the greatest trick the devil ever pulled is the one where you take your thumb off and slide it, there’s really no topping that one

i saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madden 13

everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about because you’ve been left out of yet another group chat

darth vader driving in a convertible: *harmonica noises*

a bookshelf that leads to a secret room with another bookshelf of books i’ve actually read

Trent the turtle claims he can predict who will win the Super Bowl. This is a scam.

english teacher: are you doing good or are you doing well me: neither

told my friend she was drawing her eyebrows too high and then she looked at me all surprised

accidentally crashed into chappell roans car and 30 chappell roans came spilling out

[bookstore] customer: can you tell me where the do it yourself section is? me: you are not off to a good start

my wife’s worried we’re eating too much plastic, but i normally don’t eat more than a five gallon bucket a month

oh to be a fly on the wall in a telepod created for a matter transmission experiment

on your last day of prison go up to the smallest guy there and smuggle him out

guy who won't stop talking about how he hates taylor swift gets upset when nfl shows her during games

me, quietly: they used to call me daddy long legs in high school son: because you were tall? wife, pretending to sleep on the couch: because he used to eat bugs

date: I hate when men try to woo me ric flair: *sweating profusely*

i didn’t vote for punxsutawney phil

had ai generate the perfect vampire girlfriend and honestly she sucks

my new year’s resolution to not change the oil in my car for two and a half years is still going strong

if you kill the groundhog you become the new groundhog

sauron passing out valentines to his nine closest homies

treadmills, but for cars

paying $4.99 a month for potatochip+ to get something other than air in my Lays™️

[cookie monster quietly to himself just before going on camera] it's just a job it's just a job it's just a job [camera rolls] (deep sigh) ME WANT COOKIE

[mary and percy shelley in bed, staring at the ceiling in silence] percy: so am i the doctor or the monster

scientists find skeleton in bog and suggest maybe our first ancestors were “just bones“

i hope the groundhog sees his shadow but more than that i hope he sees what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real

changing in the parking lot before a funeral, i hope no one saw me in lizard form

if a teenager asks you a question, it is definitely a trap

[flips tarot card and it's a picture of me flipping a tarot card] "Holy shit!"

*adjusts spectacles* hey siri, read me the internet

guy who makes those popcorn buckets for big movies: please i just want to see my family

one time i shotgunned a jolt cola and accidentally accessed the astral plane

BIG BAD WOLF: let me in 3 LITTLE PIGS: i mean, if your name was small good wolf maybe

had to stop doing the carnivore diet because it was making me sick, i got sick of lying about eating only meat

[auditioning to become an influencer] judge: this is some of the corniest, cringiest, fakest crap ive ever seen me: oh my gosh thank you!

telling the Benihana chef he's made a powerful enemy today but it's drowned out by laughter as he flicks a 7th shrimp into my shirt pocket

If you're at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back

While I’m away for the next few days please follow all these great jokesters, and when I get back, please unfollow them. go.bsky.app/3fCXec5

if a bat bites you, you become batman; if you bite a bat, you become iron man

the results are in

me: what kind of animal is that tour guide: alaskan otter me: ok, let me know what he says