Elton John voice: It seems to me / that you lived your life/ like a fuckin piece of shit

David Attenborough: brief as its life may be, in order to protect its fragile exoskeleton the Spirit Halloween must seek a vacant commercial shell

just clicked the Popular With Friends tab and it brought me to a page that simply said "no you aren't"

As a Canadian indy yarn dyer, my business is cooked when this happens

Old man, look at my life I’m a fuckin baller

stop asking if I named my sons after the drug. Fent is short for Fenton, and Trent is named after my father, Trentanyl

I'm actually good in most hoods. I'm valid judge: the court would like to stress that you are still under oath me: uuh. I can't go anywhere they all hate my ass

NFTs were a bubble, AI is a bubble, but small carvings of large hipped women have remained popular with unsettling lighthouse keepers for 200 years, invest with confidence

DOCTOR: your grandma has suffered a hip dislocation ME: lol hold on *pulls out phone* “what idiot called it a trendy rap battle venue instea

There's a cool special feature on the Nosferatu blu-ray where they detail Robert Eggers' famously meticulous research methods and there's even a thing where you can explore his actual Google search history

my wife: have you written to your dad since your uncle passed? me: I'm typing it out now what I'm typing: gimme da beans boys/fill my bowl/ top it all off with some guacamole (said like whack a mole)

why do I work out in jeans? easy. I like to swim in the pond before the gym, so I already have them on,

posing like I caught the arrow mid flight between my palms but my enemy can clearly see it's lodged in my forehead

(bragging coyly because I know damn well it's my turn) oh my gosh guys, do you hear the bell I wonder for whom it tolls

I love to show up every day for my job, which is standing around holding the front of my tactical vest and getting told to choke to death by thousands of passers-by while 11 of my coworkers handcuff a roofer on his way to work. Every night I drive 80 minutes home, thinking about nothing at all.

when I say "that's water under the bridge" understand that the body of water is a stagnant pond of grudge slime, and I live under the bridge

reporting on the spectacular demise of an enemy while visibly in the throes of ecstasy: it brings me no joy to say this,

making fun of a samurai I thought I beat in a sword fight 2 days ago when my torso starts sliding cleanly away from my legs

HAN SOLO: great band BARTENDER: that's jizz music. my cousin is the saxoboner player. he can really blow that thing HAN: excuse me? BARTENDER: oh, our lingo is a little different around here HAN: can I get a drink BARTENDER: one tall glass of cum, coming up

As a webcomic artist, my job is to provoke thought and inspire conversation. But the vitriol I received this week was beyond the pale. Black Nermal was meant as a celebra

ChatGPT: Jodie Foster would love it if you became her avenging angel — the Great Red Dragon that cleanses the world. Sic semper tyrannis. The scum and filth shall be privy to a great becoming. ME: is that true? ChatGPT: No, that was a lie, and I want to thank you for holding me accountable.

Bluesky is dy-[💙🇮🇱🇺🇸 𝗔𝗻𝘁𝗶-𝗠𝗔𝗚𝗔 𝗟𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗹𝗼𝗿𝗱 🚫👎🌮 𝘧𝘰𝘭𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶!]-ing. The only people here are ang-[☠️🚗 𝗘𝗹𝗼𝗻𝗶𝗮’𝘀 𝗣𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗶𝗼𝘁 𝗥𝗮𝗽𝗶𝘀𝘁 🇺🇸🦋 𝘧𝘰𝘭𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶!]-ry leftists. All thought outside of tankie logic is b-[🦋𝗟𝗜𝗕𝗘𝗥𝗧𝗬 𝗪𝗔𝗡𝗧𝗘𝗥 🇺🇸 𝗚𝗢𝗨𝗧 𝗛𝗔𝗩𝗘𝗥 ⛔️🦧🔫 𝘧𝘰𝘭𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶!]-anned.

I joined Bluesky exactly two years ago and I wrote a piece about my thoughts on the platform - how it's been coming along so far and where it seems fated to go. Thanks for reading.

“Be mindful of optics” - Daniel Murderwife

boss after hearing my presentation: was any of that fact-based? Me: all those facts were extremely based. Several of them are goated

(stoically chopping wood at a remote cabin) Subway franchise manager: strange place to find the world's best sandwich artist me: ..that's the past. I left that life behind

Youth is wasted on the young. Youth is fuckin’ gone off that young

HAN SOLO: great band BARTENDER: that's jizz music. my cousin is the saxoboner player. he can really blow that thing HAN: excuse me? BARTENDER: oh, our lingo is a little different around here HAN: can I get a drink BARTENDER: one tall glass of cum, coming up

Google search: career options google AI medieval response generator: thee path of monger hath but three doors; thee choyces be fish, war or whore

making fun of a samurai I thought I beat in a sword fight 2 days ago when my torso starts sliding cleanly away from my legs

Am I pro insane levels of cruelty and suffering for others? Well, it's complicated..

hiding under a flipped shopping cart arguing with a store manager and I've let the 4 rats out of my coat so she can't lift it off me

stephen dorff's stylist finishing their appointment by tying a little red bandana around his neck

Genealogist: I study the intricate lineage of entire family histories Me: oh cool, did you know you can just click "jump to recipe"

they have privacy booths at the farmers market where insecure tough guys can eat delicate fruit without hating themselves

I'm laughing all the way to the bank. Laughing in the steam of a sewer grate. Laughing in a full length mirror then punching it. In my joker laugh era

Fell on my ass at the tavern trying to show off and now a bard is writing a song about me, fuck. He’s calling my ass my gratuitous rump. He’s saying I whinnied like a mule on the way down.

do I know how fast I was driving? slightly slower than you when you caught up to pull me over if you want to point fingers

Text from a friend today

bonded with a coworker over "that horny district where you stare at nudes through windows' but I thought we were both saying 'noods' and talking about ramen in Tokyo

Follow Josh he's one of the best pure posters there is

standing at the edge of a beautiful canyon yelling Juelz Dip Dip for a kindred spirit to answer Santana Set Set from the other side

I stand enthusiastically with Mr Ben &Jerry, and encourage all delicious snacks to condemn genocide

imagine you and all your buddies die in a storm and everyone is like wow The Perfect Storm

It’s cool that streaming platforms are just getting AI to write songs for them. Musicians can finally kick back and have a few beers

in the first ad featuring the hamburger helper hand it wordlessly scuttled across a kitchen floor and slipped into a heating vent

my kid just came into the living room to say goodnight and closed with "fine. I will see you all on Wednesday"