some more wedding pictures with @christofbogacs.bsky.social and i!

dropping in real quick to announce i got married today 💖

i am an innocent, lord of the rings loving gal, and they commit violence by releasing tales of the shire

i do not want to feel things i want a collection of interesting rocks

Can someone lend me a hundred bugs

i just think it's unfair that some people are biologically better at sports than me and i think they should all be banned from sports until i am the best at sports

such world wide webs we weave

sharks store love in their teeth this is why they bite

come with me if you don’t want to live

it’s night time, time to make out with ghosts

for @jonhendren.com this is the beef barbacoa and cochinita pibil i slow cooked on my smoker for 8 hours on the weekend

there are several frogs disappointed in you

stuart little women

And then I was like, Roald— make the peach GIANT. No one gives a shit about a normal ass peach

Babe come over let’s destroy our natural habitat

I bought you a sword please respond.

Rounding up all my worst tendencies and throwing them into a raging bonfire

don’t worry about the noises that’s just my bones settling

oh no, it’s menace time

stuart little women

your secrets are not safe with me. Bitch

a religion where they shoot your body out of a cannon when you die

i have two modes: baby girl and goblin freak

Some kind of animal should live in the woods. Seems perfect with all the trees and bracken and stuff. Just a thought

please enjoy my bachelorette party. it was lord of the rings themed and i made everyone wear pyjamad

using my work break to breed my tamagotchis like a freak

my fiancé keeps calling our wedding “Smooch Saturday”

pete “lgb” buttigieg

I absolutely believe in ghosts amd their mission to stop Pac-Man

“are you still watching” yes netflix shield me from the horrors of reality

Please don’t provoke our penguins into a fight or flight response. You're only going to get one of those.

people who go to the grocery store for one specific item and leave with only that one specific item are built way different than me

checks tamagotchi watch: oh look it's time to be morbidly depressed about nothing in particular

also i am an alcoholic in recovery and it’s actually hilarious how much my tamagotchis have helped

no one actually knows what dinosaurs sound like. we just guessed. they could have mooed we don't know

Stop trying to fucking make me learn who streamers are

cat ran headfirst into my foot and then looked at me like I'm the dick

gluten free. gluten happy. gluten finally live life with family.

HOW CAN I BUILD A BEAR I’M NOT GOD

dried pinto beans in my pocket in case anyone wants to make a deal

Unclench your jaw. Relax your shoulders. Breathe. Reclench your jaw. Lunge wildly at passing traffic. Take a huge bite out of a wooden coffee table.

i am but a chimpanzee who has learned too much

*builds a bear in my own likeness*

My posts may seem a bit psychotic but I'm really a very nice, normal woman, sitting outside your window, eating rocks

“Wow, Jason, that’s truly heartbreaking. Well listeners, this episode of The Obituary Podcast is brought to you by Squarespace, the all-in-one website platform…”

Hello sharks, today I am asking for $100 so I can buy 75 Kit Kats

hey alexa play whale songs until i feel something again

me when my alarm goes off and i am expected to engage in capitalism

one day i will do a little dance and it will fix me